The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok, so my A has never been an active drinker as long as I've known him but from a lot of the posts that I've read, it seems like a lot of the behaviors are the same whether he drinks or not. Behaviors such as he is right and I am wrong all the time, controlling things (i.e. telling me how to do things the "right" way), etc.
Am I really just supposed to accept that this is the way it is and will always be, learn how to deal with and live with it because I can't change him (which I do acknowledge)? I know that I'm new to this group and I certainly don't have all the answers but I just can't see how that is at all possible! I know that I can't change him but I don't how I can ever just accept not being respected enough to be listened to and not be "wrong" all the time.
Seriously, if I have to learn how to just live with it, I will be learning myself straight into divorce court because there is no way that I will ever be happy just saying, "well I can't change it and it's not worth fighting about so I'll find some other way to be happy." What is the use in being with this guy if I'm going to have to constantly change my definitions of what is going to make me happy to fit his disease and his personality?
kinda new here myself so I thought I would share my pov of AlAnon so far.
Everyone that comes here has an A in their life. (active, not active, or acts like it. ) We come here wanting to learn what to do about it. We all learn we cannot change the A but we can change ourself. AlAnon can help with this by encouraging and sharing with others who are in the same situation. Some people staying with the A, some people leave the A. This is a decision only you can make.
When I went to my 1st online meeting it sounded like lip service when everyone talked about working the steps. But I was determined in my mind that my situations has got to change. So I clicked on the step work board, started with step one. Haven't gotten very far yet, but now I'm a firm believer that if I stick with it, keep working the steps, I won't be just dealing with it. I'm doing something about it.
As we grow in alanon, we see things different than you are right now. We all pretty much start out like you.
When we take care of us, we look at the A different. We don't put as much stock in the A bologna. It isn't that we don't care, we just don't bother listening or trying to figure it out anymore.
We politely leave the room, after saying oh hmmm you might be right.
We don't argue or talk to them when they are rude or hurtful. We know it is the disease.
If a diabetic goes down in blood sugar, we don't take the stuff they say to heart.
Unless an A is on a program of recovery, He/she will act in the same way as using usually.
In a program they go to AA where they listen and learn. They are reminded not to complain all the time, to listen to their loved ones, learn it is ok for their loved ones to be sick too.
They follow the 12 steps and traditions. They work on being better people. If they don't, the aism pulls and pulls at them to be jerks. lol
It takes work to be on a program of recovery.
Your A is just not using, that is all. Not changeing behavior.
We learn to have boundaries. I will write mine down if and when my a comes home.
I won't allow complaining, negativeness, rudeness, on and on. If he chooses to live like that, then he can leave. I am not into it. I love my husband but will not allow anyone to treat me badly.
I promise if you work the program you will grow and understand so much more. It is so worth it, you are worth it.
We certainly do not encourage anyone to put up with things they find unacceptable, quite the opposite.
I'd think of it more like this - I hate rain. I live in a rainy climate. I can either decide that all the other benefits of living here make up for it and learn to let the rain slide off my back or I can move. The only really wrong choice is to continue to live here, while continuing to moan and complain about the rain, and letting it ruin my life.
The fact that your love is an A is a reality, just like rain in Washington State. If you don't want to move to Arizona (leave), you can either put on a raincoat and get an umbrella (learn alanon skills) or sit there with your hair plastered to your head, crying. The rain doesn't care.
Once I accepted that my husband was not doing this to hurt me, that he really had something wrong with him, it was easier to choose what I found unacceptable, and what didn't really bother me. For me, it was verbal abuse that was the problem, not drinking. I didn't really mind if he went out and got drunk, I just didn't want him coming home and yelling at me all night. When I realized this, it was possible to set some boundaries that I could actually hold to. I got out of his hair about the parts that I didn't really care about, and life got better all around. He started sleeping on the couch when he came home plastered, instead of waking me up and working himself into a rage. That one change made our lives possible again, and we began to remember why we had loved each other. I was still saddened by his addictions, and the marriage was not the perfect partnership that I had envisioned at the beginning, but it was not bad. His addiction kept on getting worse, and he eventually hit bottom and sobered up, but it did not drag me and the kids down with it.
I really like lin0606's analogy.It's a good one...god job,lin!
I have felt exactly the same way you have.In fact,I have been working the alanon program about 6 or 8 months now and I just felt this way yesterday!I thought,why am I working this program and digging up all my garbage,setting boundaries,reading about the disease just so I can stay with a jerk! (Ok, a sick jerk)..
I come to alanon because I have been affected by the disease,having grown up in an alcoholic family,and married an A when I was 17 and am still with him at this time.I can leave him and distance myself from my family but I will still be there wherever I go.I will take all my distorted thinking with me as well.The way I look at life,the negativity,the resentments,the anger,it will follow me.Also if I do not get healthy I will attract more alcoholics ( and be attracted to them) and I do not want to do that.
In your case,if you have not been affected by the disease,but just happen to live with a sober A,then I would think it depends how much you love him.Of course you should not accept unacceptable behavior,that is what boundaries are all about.I was never taught about boundaries,there were none in my family.I didn't know I had a right to say,this is unacceptable and I am not going to put up with it.But if you love a man who has a disease you find out how to live with the disease and care for him and try to understand.If he had MS,depression,whatever, you would learn about it and do what you could to deal with it.In alanon, you learn how to take care of yourself,also, so you will not get pulled into the craziness that comes with alcoholism.
What I just said was a lightbulb moment for me.I finally understand why people stay.It's ironic that I have figured this out the same day I also decided that my marriage is really over.Until today I have still tried and hoped but no more.He doesn't love me.No matter how much compassion I have for his disease,I cannot change that.I no longer want him to love me.I don't trust him,there has been too much water under the bridge,too much pain and hurt and I cannot go back.If he said he loved me I wouldn't believe it and I wouldn't really care anymore.
I say of you love the guy alot,work with the disease,come to alanon and learn about it.Learn how to be happy in spite of it.It helps him too.Just my opinion,take what you like and leave the rest.
For me, I decided to move. It was the only acceptable choice. It was my choice. I learned...through recovery...that I'm not good at adapting to the weather, so it was better for everyone involved if I relocated.
Although it still rains sometimes, all in all...the sun shines brighter. :)
Each story has its own ending...because each person has thier own story to live.
) We come here wanting to learn what to do about it. We all learn we cannot change the A but we can change ourself. AlAnon can help with this by encouraging and sharing with others who are in the same situation. Some people staying with the A, some people leave the A. This is a decision only you can make.
. But I was determined in my mind that my situations has got to change. So I clicked on the step work board, started with step one. Haven't gotten very far yet, but now I'm a firm believer that if I stick with it, keep working the steps, I won't be just dealing with it. I'm doing something about it
.