The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am currently separated from my AH who is in recovery. We have been separated about 5 months now. He said he's filing for divorce, but I haven't heard anything for a month . . . no response to my e-mails or phone calls.
I think I have gone from being angry and accusing to him, to pathetic desparate begging for reconciliation.
I am just now calming down. It is so shocking when separation first happens and talk about a roller coaster of feelings. I haven't been to any face to face alanon meetings, and am just now considering going this w/e.
I think I have been angry at the whole AA thing. My husband went to treatement about a year ago, and when he first came out it was great . . . he was really present for the first time in years and making plans as a family. Then he progressed to spend more and more time in front of the computer. He went to less and less face to face aa meetings and would just spend hours in aa chat rooms, sometimes all day, like 12 hours at a time. I just seemed to annoy him every time I suggested us doing something together. He was pulling away, and I kept pushing to get closer, which just pushed him away further. I was also going through a lot of feelings and anger over the last few years when he was in addiction. I would go to a few alanon meetings, but never was really completely committed to a program.
I still don't understand how I'm just supposed to work on me and not care what he's doing. I really wanted a family . . . not just settle for whatever scraps I can get from my husband.
It's kind of a moot point now though, since I don't seem to really have a husband. He says I should work on myself and I agree with him; but he doesn't agree that we should also work on our marriage too.
I am trying to face up to reality and to the facts of things and now how I wanted them to be. It's hard. He has said some pretty awful things to me, and I'm disappointed in myself for wanting to be back with someone who is so obviously not wanting me or decent to me.
The good thing is, I am starting to finally feel like I am in my own skin. He is not there to "worry" about and I don't have to walk into a home that I feel like is not my own. Like I am just another one of the objects in his world.
So, I'm hoping to go to an alanon meeting this w/e and not focus on trying to get better for him, but just trying to learn about me. I don't quite understand it, but I'm trying.
I don't want to play martyr and not see my part in things, or blame alcoholics for all of my woes . . . but they do seem to be selfish bastards most of the time. I just wish he had extended the grace I gave him during his addiction to me during his time of recovery. It doesn't seem fair . . . but I guess not much is in life. I am just trying to control how I think things should be.
When I list on paper how he is most of the time or distance myself and think about him as married to a person I love, like my sister . . . I think, gee, this isn't such a good guy, I wouldn't want that for someone I love. So why do I want to be with him??? Because of a few instances where I was with this great guy . . . who always ended up turning back into a reclusive, cynical, loner. It was just never consistent. I probably didn't seem much different to him . .. happy when he was present, and sullen when he pulled away . . then angry and wanting to punish him for "making" me feel so lonely. What a mess.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a cold father. Sometimes I think maybe I am too messed up to be in a relationship. Not trying to sound like a pity party, but seriously, I think I either expect too much or have no idea how a relationship is supposed to work. I end up making the person I am with and myself miserable.
Ugh, tired of it all. So, being alone isn't so bad right now. I hope I can find some peace and the bitterness will die away.
What a roller coaster ride we are on aahh! I have only been to online meetings, but everytime I read the opening about how if I start to change the way I am thinking, the situation around me will change. This has helped me to realize how much I need to work on me. Hope you make it to that meeting this weekend. I'm sure it will help.
I understand your anger. Some marriages don't survive a spouse seeking recovery. Because not only do the roles change, but once you are no longer a caretaker you have a chance to think of yourself and what you want for your life.
I can see that my husband is very sick, he is one of those people who suffers from a chronic mental illness that he is in denial about and self medicates. I see him like a cancer patient, he has a serious, chronic possibly deadly disease. I married him for better or worse, in sickness and health, and I took those vows seriously. However, it has taken a serious toll on me to have my marriage be so much obligation rather than joy.
If he were to "get well" by seeking recovery and treatment for his mental illness then I would have to re-evaluate. He always says he wants to leave me...sigh...and asks me to please divorce him...sigh...I don't think he is capable of doing such a complicated thing right now, his brain is too soaked with alcohol. He may even FINALLY leave me once his brain dries out...the guilt may be too much for him.
Either way I know it won't be all flowers and sunshine if he finds recovery. I have already made up my mind that I won't take part in any "family" therapy. Once he gets into recovery I will seek my own outside separate therapy to learn more about dealing with the changes. He will be on his own as far as his own recovery. The time has passed that I was willing to work WITH him to heal our family. I am human...I have reached my limit of dealing with HIS illnesses...(this is taking care of ME that I have learned in alanon).
Seeing things this way helps me not to be angry. He is sick and I know it and I hope for HIS sake that he finds recovery, but it probably won't mean much for me.
There is no way he can make up for the damage he has done to me, our daughter and our marriage. The time for him to go to her concerts and he stayed home and drank instead is past...the time that he missed all of MY family events (marriages, my college graduation, my father's funeral) to stay home and drink have passed, he can't bring them back. So...I guess him finding recovery will be good for him, but am not sure how much good it will do his family at this point.
I have also read about a WHOLE lot of "13th steppin" here on this board and my husband (a very handsome tall body builder) would be a perfect candidate for that, so I would not be surprised that it would happen. He has often told me that he wished he married someone else who drank who would "understand" him and his love for something that 'brings him so much happiness", he can find that in a recovery program.
I will try to hold out the hope that he can try to rebuild and make up for family time lost, but that is doubtful if he gets caught up in a recovery program and spends all of his free time with others rather than his family. From what I have read that too is possible. None of these thigns is conducive to family happiness.
I know I may sound pessimistic, but I am a realist. I have also made a point to confer with specialists in the field of alcohol addiction, both in person, over the phone, and through reading their books. Sometimes things work out and the family is happy again once the alcholic finds recovery...but most of the time...they are not....
My only hope is prayer which I have not given up on. I continue to pray that my husband and our family be one of the few for whom things go well once the alcholic finds recovery.
You have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.You grew up with an alcoholic parent and then married an alcoholic.You will carry those effects with you wherever you go,with an A or not.That is exactly what I did. My father was the A,but also 3 brothers and 3 sisters,all a's.I also married an A and have been with him 36 years.We are soon separating.
I used to feel the same way you do.I remember saying if he focuses on his program and I focus on me,what happens to the marriage? People would tell me,if you want him to get better he has to make sobriety first and formost in his life.They said I had been affected by the disease and I would need alanon because he would get better and I would stay sick if I didn't work the program.I became resentful about that.I tried alanon but never stayed with it.I realized this time that I always left because I just could not focus on me.I didn't WANT to focus on me.I wanted to focus on everyone else,especially my AH.I thought the women were all nuts to have to go to meetings in order to stay with their A's.I didn't need that, I was handling my A just fine.It's been 16 years and I was unable to really work the program until now,and that is because my husband met someone online and wanted to separate.I didn't know where to turn.I have all A's in my family except my mother who is 90 and still very codependent.
I knew my husband had an AA meeting online that he went to so I thought there must be alanon also.I found this site,MIP,and it has been my lifeline.I am not working now so I am going to go to a couple of face to face (f2f) meetings that I couldn't go to when I was working.I have never been comfortable in the f2f meetings but I think I might be ok now because of coming here and the growth I have had.But coming here for the last 6 or 8 months has been priceless.If I hadn't had this I would not have stayed this time either.
If you are not comfortable with the f2f meetings,come here for awhile.There is a link at the top of the message board for the meetings.read the posts and keep posting as you have.There is alot of experience,strength,and hope here.I have been able to get passed some of the blocks I used to have and find healing.
The online girlfriend didn't work out,but we are still separating.I will never know if our marriage would have been better if I had stayed in alanon 16 years ago.It might have,but I have to forgive myself for doing the best I could.It was my disease that kept me out of alanon,and my disease that finally got me back.
(((((krise))))))) I understand your anger. Some marriages don't survive a spouse seeking recovery. Because not only do the roles change, but once you are no longer a caretaker you have a chance to think of yourself and what you want for your life. I can see that my husband is very sick, he is one of those people who suffers from a chronic mental illness that he is in denial about and self medicates. I see him like a cancer patient, he has a serious, chronic possibly deadly disease. I married him for better or worse, in sickness and health, and I took those vows seriously. However, it has taken a serious toll on me to have my marriage be so much obligation rather than joy. If he were to "get well" by seeking recovery and treatment for his mental illness then I would have to re-evaluate. He always says he wants to leave me...sigh...and asks me to please divorce him...sigh...I don't think he is capable of doing such a complicated thing right now, his brain is too soaked with alcohol. He may even FINALLY leave me once his brain dries out...the guilt may be too much for him. Either way I know it won't be all flowers and sunshine if he finds recovery. I have already made up my mind that I won't take part in any "family" therapy. Once he gets into recovery I will seek my own outside separate therapy to learn more about dealing with the changes. He will be on his own as far as his own recovery. The time has passed that I was willing to work WITH him to heal our family. I am human...I have reached my limit of dealing with HIS illnesses...(this is taking care of ME that I have learned in alanon). Seeing things this way helps me not to be angry. He is sick and I know it and I hope for HIS sake that he finds recovery, but it probably won't mean much for me. There is no way he can make up for the damage he has done to me, our daughter and our marriage. The time for him to go to her concerts and he stayed home and drank instead is past...the time that he missed all of MY family events (marriages, my college graduation, my father's funeral) to stay home and drink have passed, he can't bring them back. So...I guess him finding recovery will be good for him, but am not sure how much good it will do his family at this point. I have also read about a WHOLE lot of "13th steppin" here on this board and my husband (a very handsome tall body builder) would be a perfect candidate for that, so I would not be surprised that it would happen. He has often told me that he wished he married someone else who drank who would "understand" him and his love for something that 'brings him so much happiness", he can find that in a recovery program. I will try to hold out the hope that he can try to rebuild and make up for family time lost, but that is doubtful if he gets caught up in a recovery program and spends all of his free time with others rather than his family. From what I have read that too is possible. None of these thigns is conducive to family happiness. I know I may sound pessimistic, but I am a realist. I have also made a point to confer with specialists in the field of alcohol addiction, both in person, over the phone, and through reading their books. Sometimes things work out and the family is happy again once the alcholic finds recovery...but most of the time...they are not.... My only hope is prayer which I have not given up on. I continue to pray that my husband and our family be one of the few for whom things go well once the alcholic finds recovery. Similar prayers for you too... Isabela
Isabella40.........When i read this the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end because 90% of what you said you "think" will happen to you if your hubby gets into treatment HAS actually happened to me since my wife WENT INTO treatment 14 months ago, including the 13th stepper you mentioned could possibly happen........we are now on the verge of divorce.
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