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Does anyone know if memory loss is common among alcoholics? I'm not talking about blackouts,I know about those.Here's why I ask.
I was looking for something in a drawer and I came across about 4 or 5 birthday cards I had gotten in different years from my husband.We've been married 36 years,the last 16 of those he has been sober. He never liked buying cards,his family doesn't either.My family has always been big on cards and we take our time and try to find one that says what we really feel.I always wanted him to buy me a card for my birthday or our anniversary,but he never did until he got sober and even then they were few and far between.So I found these cards I had saved and I read them.They said really nice things about how much I mean to him and how much he appreciates me.How I am not just a wife but his best friend.(those were in the verses) Then he would sign,I love you,or just his name,and one time he wrote 'love you forever'.As many of you know our marriage right now is in shambles,we have been on the verge of separating.
So I brought the cards downstairs and showed them to him and read the words on the cards to him as well as the ones he wrote.He says he does not remember buying any of them.He does not remember signing them,has no memory of the cards whatsoever.
I had asked him if he had bought them because they said what he felt.He said "yes...I guess".
I get this lack of memory thing from him alot.He says he has no memory of me when I was younger and thinner.( except he says I was a spoiled brat and hard to live with)That may have been somewhat true,I was only 17,he was 27,but I can remember the love as well.I remeber the fun we had.Guess he doesn't.I remind him of good times and he says he has no memory of those things.
Friends, is he giving me a load of BS? He drank maybe 19 years of our marriage,never anything stronger than beer.Could his memory cells have been wiped out?
I threw the cards in the garbage.I didn't tell him I just did it.If he has no memory of buying them then they have no meaning to me.My heart is (once again) broken but I never let on to him.It's in so many pieces now,I doubt it even resembles a heart.
The online girlfriend didn't work out,now he wants us to 'work on our issues'and stay together.He was talking about her tonite,(she is just a friend he says) and telling me how she has a mind of her own and nobody pushes her around.Said it like he admired that in her.Yet he often tells me he doesn't know me.( 36 friggin years????)
Bottom line here,if he is lieing to me about the memory then he is being cruel.If he is not lieing,then this will be a common thread among A's.I need to know,I am tired of being played for a fool.
Please let me hear from you,is this common?Have any of you experienced this from your A's?
My A seems to have selective memory. Along the line of cards, he remembers the year i gave him one unsigned ... I did not have a pen and figured only one wife so no confusion ... he forgets he did not get one for me at all. In general though he does not remember a whole lot of anything, either that or has a hard time remembering what he said when.
I am so sad for you that you are going thru this. Now I ripped up my marriage license way back when I found out how the A talks about me.
Well now I am very sorry. sigh. I would not throw out the cards, as at the time, he meant them. I don't remember getting the cards I did for my A. I have them and read them, but don't remember giving them to him.
And yes my A has lost memory. He does not remember this friend of mine that was around us a lot. It's weird to me. But there are a lot of things he does not remember. I remember my past big time. Even grade school stuff.
It is awful to see them getting worse and worse, and there we are feeling more and more hurt.
Just sending ya a hug. I sure relate. love,debilyn
I am sooo sorry to hear you are going through this. I hope this does not sound too harsh, but I have been reading your posts regarding this situation for the past few weeks.
It sounds to me as though he is using you now, at this point, as someone to 'fall back on'.... don't let him do this to you. Think he WON'T find another online girlfriend? There are a million out there...
I know we are supposed to be patient, loving, tolerant, work our program, etc.... But sometimes I have to just be the woman that I am and say, "Enough is enough!!!!!!!"
36 years must be a hard thing to face losing... but it really sounds like it is already lost, if he can't even (or won't LET himself) remember who he married in the first place. I wish this were easy for you. I just want you to be treated right, like we all want for ourselves. I don't want you to keep having painful experiences like this. I don't want you to be frustrated over this. I don't want you to be betrayed or tossed aside for some 'fling'. I want you to want these things for yourself, too....
But I can't always get what I want... and the process for you will be what it will be... I could be dead wrong about him and the whole situation.... but I felt compelled to 'call it as I see it', anyway...
Hope you are not upset by my OPINION... that's all it is, my opinion.
Joni, you are right on.This is exactly how I felt as well.I needed to hear it though.He IS using me, I am better than being alone while he looks for someone to replace me.
It still hurts that 36 years of marriage is lost.I was present for the whole thing and stupidly thought he was too.All the 'work' I did to try to make things better.All the struggles I put myself through to "make him happy". I guess everyone who gets a divorce feels these things,the grief over lost dreams.But at least their spouse has memories of some good times.Mine only seems to remember every thing I have done wrong in the marriage.
Just last night he blew up at me over nothing.Then today he says he blew up because of what I said or did.It's always me,never him.
I have gone the compassion route.I have tried to accept that it is a disease and I need to see him as sick and all that.Fine.He's sick.But that doesn't mean I have to be sick with him.The thing is I can't get well with him.I brieflty thought that I might be like other women who learn to get their needs met elsewhere and be happy in spite of their A's they live with.But I think in my situation there is nothing to hold onto.There is nothing to work for.It will not get better,he will continue to look for someone else.He apparently feels nothing for me.I am just here because it is convenient for him.
I just quit a very stressfull job to take some time for myself and get some healing.I am glad I did that now.It will help me to get strong,get a job I like,and move on.I have more time to get the house ready for sale so we can split for good.
I don't care who he sees or where he goes.I am going to check out a couple of f2f meetings that I couldn't go to when I was working.I need to get out around other people.We will live as room mates until the house is sold.
Yesterday with the cards changed something in me.I realized for the first tiome that he does not love me.I have suspected that for a long long time but I just refused to accept it.Now I finally have.The writing is on the wall as they say.There's a better life for me out there.I deserve better than this.
You deserve at LEAST what you wuold want for your own best friend!!
And getting around healthy people f2f is only going to make it easier for you. I want to see you happy andfulfilled, with your head high. Woman to woman, I would be counting the minutes to my new life on my own....
I had a split-up.... dofferent circumstances entirely, but I do remember healing to a point where I had so much to look forward to as a single woman, I literally couldn't wait to envision me in my newfound surroundings; an apartment all my own; a place of peace and harmony and eclectic happiness... a sanctuary, if you will.
Sorry you are going thru all this mess. As for memory loss, it is so weird, because my A has a better memory than I do about a lot of things. I think it is stress related memory loss in my case, I was so frantic all of the time, I couldn't just "live in the moment" the way he does.
I used to get mad and throw stuff, and throw stuff away, stuff I was sorry about later. I would do things to try to emotionally hurt him, but all I did was hurt myself. Mine seldom, if ever, drinks anything stronger than beer, but a LOT of it.
