The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't had access to a computer until today so here's what happened over the weekend. The weekends are almost always rough for my son and me. It was 100 degrees over this last weekend. I took my son to the pool. I always invite my AH to come with, but he always declines because he can't drink and smoke there so he has no interest in going. He chose to sit in the hot garage and drink. No surprise there. The A/C is not working in our house and we don't have the money to do anything about it. AH never has any money and he is trying to drain me of my money too. It's a fight all the time to get him to pay half of his bills. I buy the groceries (he eats more than my son and me combined) and he never helps with those.
My son and I came home from the pool on Saturday and AH was drunk. Of course he wanted to talk non-stop. His usual talking is about how the world has been so hard on him, he never had any support from his parents, he never has any money, his ex-wife took everything, blah, blah, blah. Shortly after that, I took my son to the county fair. I invited AH to come with, but he declined again. He wouldn't be able to drink there so why go! AH said he wanted to go to bed early anyway. I told him I would be back late because we were going to watch something and it was going to run late.
When I got home, AH was nowhere around. He had DRIVEN his truck in the condition that he was in. I can't believe that! Why does this floor me every time? It's not the first time. When he came home later, he was surprised that we were home already. I know exactly what he planned on having happen. He would get home before we did and then the next day whine about how he is always left alone and he has nothing to do. I know AH was at the campground visiting his drunk friends. The campground is not near by so I'm sure he got himself even drunker while he was there and DROVE back like that. I'm sure he would've lied and said he didn't go anywhere and he would make me feel bad that I "left him all alone".
I'm so sick of this. How do I get out of this without ending up on the streets?? I hate this life.
First off, if you invited him and he declined, that was his choice. Yes he can still try to guilt you because you choose to go without him, but you are doing what you need to do for you and son, you guys deserve to have fun. He is just trying to not look at him, so if course he makes it all your fault.
Is there anyway that you can start stashing money away and have a secret account? Start saving up so that when you are ready you can have a nest egg to leave?
Maybe check into local resources to see if they can offer you any assistance.
Just keep coming back, you have our support.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
When I was feeling desperate with my Ah I begin to work hard on my plan B. The more I worked on it, the better I felt. And when the day came that I had had enough, that living without him would be easier than living with him it was ok. I did little things to take care of me. Many of my first steps were financial: traded in my car and bought one in my name only, took my name off of his credit cards, took his off of mine, put my utilities on a budget plan, etc. I took little steps reaching a goal, that I would be ok. I did a lot of reading on Tradition 7 with the guidance of my sponsor. None of it was easy, but I did get better at it. By the grace of God, my AH found sobriety 7 months ago and we have recently reconciled, but, the financial boundaries that I worked so hard to establish are still in place. Things do get better. It works if you work it.
Personally I find creating a plan B very difficult. The A is notoriously stingy. His mother is like that too. I should know to look at someone's mother and know unless they have done work on themselves they will be like them in some measure.
The a creates chaos with the bills all the time, never pays the rent on time. I have had to step in and pay more than my share many many times. Does he pay me back - NEVER EVER!
I do try to be frugal as I can be. I also make a point of not treating the A anymore. I was always buying him stuff before. What did I get for it - NOTHING!
He never reciprocated.
So while a plan B may take a long time I think its a good source. My plan B may take me years but I am committed to it. I saw someone in Al-anon do that for herself years ago. She started passionately focusing on herself, lost weight, went to therapy, took care of herself. I was totally overwhelmed. I could not imagine doing that. I think she like you got totally fed up.
I think we can channel our energies elsewhere.
Like you I go nowhere with the A. He has no time to take me or the dogs to the beach. But if one of his friends ask for ANYTHING he jumps through every hoop there is to give it to him. And is his mother calls well he runs there as soon as he puts the phone down. He has done that when I have been cooking dinner before. Ran out when dinner was just about to go on the table because she called - was it an emergency no.
I do empathise very very much. The issue for me is not to give into the resentment and get toxic it is to start and keep on plan B.
