Problems with husband in recovery - Al-Anon Family Group

mysticmidian · Member

Problems with husband in recovery

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a lot of trouble when my husband got into recovery, too. One big problem was that I thought that his problems were from getting drunk - if he was not drunk, there would be no problem, right? wrong.

When I first got into my program, I started to learn a lot about what an alcoholic IS. The drinking and drugging is really just a symptom of the disease. One of the most consistent behaviours, that nearly all A's have, is to put all the blame for everything on someone else. If there are problems, they are somebody else's fault, and usually, that somebody is the wife.

Another thing I learned in this program, though it took a little longer, is what an alanon is. We also have some pretty consistent behaviours - among them the need to control others, and martyrdom. It took me a lot longer to face up to my part of our problems, because I had been so busy defending myself against my husband's unfair attacks. The reality was, although I was not as responsible for everything going wrong as my husband liked to pretend I was, I DID have a part in the unhappinesss in our home. Until I faced up to that, and made some changes, my recovery did not really begin.

I'm not a fly on the wall in your fights with your husband, I have no idea who is right here. However, I am willing to bet that some part of the problem IS caused by your actions and words. So, even if it is 90% him and 10% you, your job, alanon teaches us, is to look to that 10%. Take an honest, non defensive look at your actions, and take responsibility for them. Once you have done that, and are making some real change in your part of it, no matter how small your part is, you can dismiss the rest as the blame throwing of an A, and refuse to pick it up.

By the time you have gotten that far, the next step in the process will reveal itself to you. You may have to accept that he will never be as open as you would like, for whatever reasons, and find another way to stay plugged in at home. I don't know. I do know that when I keep the focus on my own actions and behaviours, the next step usually is pretty clear, even if I can't see too far into the distance.

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP,

Sorry you couldn't get in the chat room, I don't have access to that from my computer so I can't offer any help with that, but will try to offer a few suggestions to some of your other comments - one of our favorite slogans is "Take what you like and leave the rest" - please feel free to do so -

Al-Anon has helped me learn that I am responsible for my own happiness. That I can be happy, joyous and free no matter what else is going on in my life. It has also taught me a very valuable lesson - Mind my own business and not everything is my business. I don't have to know every little detail of my AH's life - If I am a little relaxed and easier to talk to, he seems to be more relaxed and more willing to talk freely to me without me having to give him the third degree of questions.

These may seem a little harsh - but it is just what has help our household in recovery. Many a recovering A has encouraged their spouse to go to Al-Anon, not only has it helped the relationship, but the spouse sometimes becomes a much healthier person than that A every imagined.

Please give the program a chance - our home group encourages newcomers to try 6 face to face meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is for you.

Please don't give up before the miracle happens in you - You are worth it,

One Day at a Time,

Rita

Dolphin123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Mystic))),

When I was reading your post I thought about the 3 c's of alanon You can't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

If your husband is having problems telling you what goes on in the day to day life. You can't conrol that. Getting upset with the situation, which I can understand your frustration, doesn't do you any good.

One thing that I have learned is that my hubby and I are both conrtol freaks, if my hubby tried to instruct me on the correct way to boil water, then he would probably end up with the water over his head (Well if it wasn't hot yet he would). So I ahve a boundary. When I am in the kitchen cooking I don't want him there (in the kitchen) unless I ask for help, and once I do ask for help, I let go the control over what I have asked him to do, it is his and no longer mine.

I ask myself "How Important Is It", is it worth fighting over or not. Today I choose not to fight.

Yours in recovery,

Dolphin123

Try going to www.mipchat.net

if that doesn't work you may need java software you can download that for free at www.java.com

Hope to see you in the room!

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

mysticmidian,

One thing my AHsober has always said is would you look at you. How controlling, how addictive your are. He relinguishes decision making to me and then is all over me about not having any say in decisions. We always seems to be on different sides of issues and try to prove each other wrong. Sometimes I think that this is a self esteem thing. As they said here, we have to accept our percentage of it.

As for the non-communication about your step-daughter and having to push for information, this has to have been one of the biggest issues in our marriage. His wall goes up. A wall of silence is control. So I have over compensated by telling him everything. I don't do that now. I am very selective about what I tell him.

As they have said here, take what you like and leave the rest. Good for you for going to school.

In support,

Nancy

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.