The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
While I was at the library, using the computer to post, my A sent me a text message.......I'm sorry, are you coming home. I sent back "Why" He sent "Because I love you and want you here"
Weird. Just the night before, I was fat, ugly, he hated me, my daughter, my son in law, my mom, my cats. I was gross, disgusting, a liar, checking up on him, etc. etc. etc.
So, since I had to go home sometime, I went home. He had not been drinking that day. I walked in, he came over and put his arms around me, gave me a kiss, and said he was sorry. I didn't even ask what he was sorry for. Was it the big blow up he had? Was it making me feel like poop? Was it for having the picture on the computer....I really don't know why he was sorry, and I didn't ask. I was too tired. He asked if I wanted to go somewhere for dinner, so we went to a buffet place. Ate in silence, I think we were both exhausted.
Went home, he had been to walmart and bought 2 movies. We got in bed, and I fell asleep immediately. This crazy living is so tiring.
Then last night, I got home, he was drinking again. (Surprise!) But he had mowed the yard and killed some weeds. Last year he wouldn't do anything around the house.
I just don't know how or when or if I should even try to talk to him about this stuff......I feel like I am just so grateful for not fighting anymore, I just sweep it under the carpet until the next day. I feel like we just do not communicate at all. I am afraid to, because I don't want to start anything else, and it probably would.
Am I doing the right thing by remaining quiet, and just letting it blow over? Just need some ESH on this, please.
But, for today, I am better. I went to my counselor last night, and I think she is just baffled that I even want to stay in this relationship. Most people are. Anyone been thru this situation before that can offer some insight?
I am sorry you are hurting, but I understand wanting to try...I still do.
I was withholding from my ah for fear of starting something and we just drifted further and further apart until we had a long, tearful, painful episode where it all came pouring out. I have found it better to pick and choose when to have a "talk" rather than completely withhold. I don't tell him every little thing that hurts me (he would never get a word in edgewise), but at least the lines are a little more open and we are closer as a result.
I don't know if any of this is helpful, I am not really in a good place myself tonite, but I at least hope you know that someone is out here who cares and can empathize with your situation.
You could be me! Only my husband does not say he is sorry and I have found a WHOLE LOT MORE than just a picture of boobs on his computer .
I printed out what I found on his computer and confronted him, without telling him I had the "evidence". He denied all...looked me right in the eye and told the most humongous lies I could imagine. SIGH!
That told me that he was no longer a rationale honorable person and that I needed to stop thinking I was dealing with a "normal" fully functional mature adult.
I later confronted him with the evidence that I had. Things did not go well, he was furious! This is nothing new...he is always furious about something, whether me catching him doing something (it was an accident that I discovered what he was doing) or me asking him to help with some dishes.
I have come to the conclusion that he is just nuts, mentally ill, just a plain old jerky creep, pickled from alcohol or any combination or ALL of them. Either way, rationale honest communication is just not possible.
My husband has told me all sorts of stupid things about my appearance too. I am able to take it in stride as men still openly gawk at me out in public and old boyfriends are always trying to get me to leave him and try again with them, SIGH, so I know it is baloney. But YES it hurts a lot to hear that from the man that you DID pick above all others. I still take great pains with my appearance and really make an effort to look nice and to have other men notice and look at me and him ignore me and tell me I am unnattractive really hurts. Of course he does not say it so nicely...I will spare you the great details he goes into about what is wrong with my appearance, sigh.
Usually I just work harder at my appearance, LOL. I guess it also validates myself by seeing that other men notice, LOL. I have to be careful not to go too far with this though, I admit it can be tempting to get a little more "validation" up close and personal, sigh. But so far I have resisted temptation.
Maybe you could try something like that. For YOURSELF!!! When you put on makeup, dress nice, do your hair YOU feel better about yourself and if friends etc. compliment you...you feel even better .
I try to keep my self esteem separate from what he thinks of me, which I know is not good. I treat him well, I know that it is his pickled sick brain talking.
As far as talking things out vs. sweeping everything under the rug...well...that is a tough one as i still have not learned the art of letting things go. I try for days to talk to him about problems, and each time he dissolves into a screaming, angry, verbally abusive mess. He screams so loud and is so full of hate his voice breaks, which is sad...and over a discussion about wether or not a store was still open and we should try to go to it.
More and more as I get older (43) I am learning to just let it go. Not in a way of being a doormat, but more in a way of adjusting to my situation, of being married to a truly mentally ill person. I handle him with "kid gloves" humor him, like you have to with the mentally ill who are untreated.
I have seen that the less I have any dealings with him the better we get along. Like today, when he started screaming I said "I take it back...I will let you have your way...I want to keep the peace...you are right...we can do things YOUR way." I try not to talk to him about my feelings about anything and try to spend time away from him. We each have our duties that we have agreed to split (and believe me I do more than my share!) and do them.
I too want to stay married for now. He is still able to work and mows the lawn and shovels the driveway to keep up appearances. He only does the work that makes him look bad if he does not. These are traditionally "mens" work and he is still into keeping up appearances thank goodness!
I try to help him keep going on as much as he can. I see his determination to keep up appearances slipping so I want him to not give up.
Everyone's situation is different. Despite my husband's problems I still remember why I picked him above all others, he is a good person in some ways and most of all i can count on him in a pinch, so far.
I still love him...I know he is sick.
Do things for YOU. Last month I bought that "Youthful Essence" system from Susan Lucci, LOL. It is way too expensive to keep buying, so once I used up the expensive scrub that came with it I am now using the St. Ives apricot scrub from the drugstore with the microdermabrasion tool, LOL. But it really works! I was getting one wrinkle and now it is gone. I also bought some new lipstick today. This kind of stuff goes a long way to help us women keep up our self esteem, and not be so bothered by what the alcholic in our lives tells us.
I am not as superficial as I sound, LOL, I just have fun "being a girl" and like to look nice. It is also nice that I have a grown up daughter to do beauty treatments with, trade clothes and shoes with, and help me pick out makeup. She also gave me a great new haircut! LOL! I had not intended to go short, but now that she did it I LOVE IT and am keeping it up. A new hairdcut can do wonders with your self esteem.
For me the bottom line is this: We are entitled live a life full of happiness and joy and be loved. We deserve it. At some point we have to ask ourselves are we lonlier with the person we're with (sober or not doesn't matter) or not? I was in a realtionship where I was lonlier with the person. That's when I changed things.
You are a kind, loving and wonderful human being. (Body size, shape doesn't matter.) You have to be comfortable in your own skin. Only you can decide what is best for you. No matter what you decide, you are not alone. We're always here for you.
Love and blessings to you and the kitties. May you find the answers you are looking for.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Becky I soooo relate. I have kept quiet thru it all. And said nothing. Now the rug is getting lumpy. And feel if I don't say something soon it will all fall out and I'll be left with a mess to clean up.
We need to learn to express ourselves. Even if it's a little bit at a time just to keep the rug smooth until we have the courage/strength to sweep it all out.
Thanks for the reply ((((baby)))). I know that stuffing all those feelings aren't good for me, so I do go to a therapist to talk, and this board and chatroom have helped me a million times.
Thanks for being here, and for your understanding.
.
.
May you find the answers you are looking for.