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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> "Out of the mouths of drunkards and babies comes the truth"
Post Info TOPIC: "Out of the mouths of drunkards and babies comes the truth"
waterlesschain


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"Out of the mouths of drunkards and babies comes the truth"
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My mother told me that out of the mouths of Drunkards and Babies comes the truth.  I want to know is this true.  My boyfriend is very kind to me when sober but when drunk he is very very verbally abusive.  Its like living with a man with a spilt personality.  Its horrible.  Cant the alcohol just go away.  Why if he loves me would he be so nasty when drunk.  I think I have a problem too as I have had 3 boyfriends, the current one and previous one both drink heavily and both are verbally abusive. ::



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Jill


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RE: "Out of the mouths of drunkards and babies comes the truth"
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Hi water - nope I don't believe what your mother said. As far as the 3 alcoholic boyfriends, I invite you to keep coming here and find an in-person AlAnon meeting where you are. If you can work the AlAnon program, you will have two wonderful results. You will be happy regardless of whether the people around you drink or not. Also, you will come to think better of yourself - why wouldn't you, you'll be happy. Everything gets better. I hope to see you around.  ---Jill

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Diva


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Hi Water and welcome. I have trouble with this same question: What's the truth? What he says when he is sober or what he says when he is drunk? He tells me not to pay any attention to what he says when he is NOT sober, as that is all totally untrue. He doesn't even remember the hurtful words, so goes along his merry way while I am stuck with the hurt and anger. He's sober a year now, and I am just beginning to recover and regain trust.

As the Latin says, "En vina es veritas." In the wine is truth. The English says, "He lies when he is drunk." Who's to know????

Meantime, dear one, attempt to surround yourself with those who do not drink. Don't keep slamming yourself into the wall and suffering the same injuries. Life's too short for that. Keep coming back. We all understand.

Best wishes, Diva

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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Becky1


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Glad to meet you water!  I don't believe that old saying at ALL!  It is just not true, in my opinion.  I know what my husband says when he is drunk is crazy, crazy, crazy stuff. 


Maybe the Latin saying Diva spoke about would be a little true about someone (not an A) who has had maybe 1 drink, and feels a little more relaxed, and can open up.  But as far as being, drunk and being truthful, I don't think that happens.


My husband can be very kind, sweet, loving, etc.  But when he drinks, watch out.  The mean, hateful, obscene words spew forth like poison.  I can usually just ignore him, like I would if he had Tourett's Syndrome, where people cannot control what they way.  But, it depends on the mood I'm in, sometimes I can feel myself withering under the heat of the words.  Nasty, mean, untrue, disgusting words.  Words he never uses when sober. 


I, too, have been involved in abusive relationships.  I strongly urge you, for your sake, to keep coming here, get to some Alanon meeting if possible, and surround yourself with a support system.  Friends, neighbors, church, synagogue, whatever you can find.  I personally pray a lot, especially when the words are attacking my spirit.  I try to imagine a wall between my A and I, where the words just can't touch me.  They hit the wall and just disintegrate into nothing.


Keep coming back.  You will find truth here.  And we aren't drunks, or babies, but people who have been where you are.


Love in Recovery,


Becky1


 



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waterlesschain


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Thank you for your reply.  Well I am glad to hear it is not the truth.  I am 32 years old, never married, no children. 


I answered my own question yesterday, it just dawned on me, "Why my only two boyfriends I have had - drink" - well I met them in a pub!!! I was lonely and found it easier to mix with people when they drink!!! Sad of me hey!!!! So now I want to complain that they drink however when I first met them they were drinking!!!!and in a pub!!! Its just this boyfriend seems far worse than the first one. 


He lies in bed for 2 to 3 days with 3 - 4 bottles of wiskey.  Just downs it - like I do water.  He cant stand up and sometimes wets the bed and I am left to sort out the sheets etc. He falls all over and says ugly things to me. Once I rushed him to hospital he was very sick with his kidneys.  I was praying the doctor would tell him to stop drinking - she did not believe me when I said he drinks a litre of neat wiskey a day.  She told me if at 44 years old he did drink so much, he would be dead.  So she thought I was lying, and then told us both that alcohol does not cause kidney infection!


I lost hope, thinking if the doctor told him to give up - he would.   Last night I got home from work he was lying in bed, DRUNK after finishing a  bottle and a half of neat wiskey during the day (I always find the bottle hidden away in drawers etc), he tells me he is tired and not drunk, but his eyes are rolling in his head.


He told me to get out of his bedroom as its a private place and I am not welcome there.  So I went to the other bedroom without saying a word.  At 2.00am this morning he opens my bedroom door and asks whats wrong?  why am I in the other bedroom?  


This morning I did not speak to him - he greeted me and I ignored him and told him to "shut-up" (when he is sober I can say that, but when drunk I would not dare he would slap me through my face).  I just started crying.   He has been drunk since Tuesday night and then asks me WHATS WRONG??? today is FRIDAY.  


He is extemely wealthy and does not need to go to his farm everyday.  His family are in denial about his drinking and say that if he really loved me he would not drink or I would have the power to stop him drinking.  They say if he does drink "a little" its because of his ex-girldfriend.  That I dont believe.  I have only known him 8 months.  I dont want to leave as he is a kind person when sober, but most nights he is very drunk.  1 bottle of neat wiskey "Johnny Walker Red" a night. 


So I live for his phone calls during the day and live in fear of the nights or days he does not go to work and stays drunk. 


I wont be able to go to an Alanon Meeting.  He would never allow it.  I cant even visits friends and he tells me that what goes on in our house stays in our house - that I am not to talk to anyone about it. I am even scared to write on this site - he is portuguese and they dont play around when it comes to going against their word - trust me.


I guess I should just leave him, I just think its so sad, so very sad sad, all the money in the world and yet he just lies in bed with a bottle.  He does not drink in public because his family are highly respected people.  He only drinks at home behind the doors.  Nobody would ever believe me if I told them about the abuse.  I live in South Africa Johannesburg.  Are there any on-line meetings for me or one on ones???


Even if I do leave him, I will be lonely again, and fall into the same pattern. I am feeling very down, I sometimes think if I die maybe then that would wake him up.  Silly and childish I know.  Please let me know about online meetings for South Africa Johannesburg times or one on ones.  I would not be allowed to attend the meetings.



-- Edited by waterlesschain at 05:39, 2006-07-21

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Diva


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RE: "Out of the mouths of drunkards and babies comes the truth"
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" (when he is sober I can say that, but when drunk I would not dare he would slap me through my face)."

"I wont be able to go to an Alanon Meeting. He would never allow it."

Above are two quotes from your recent post. I will address them as quotes A and B.

A. You must not stay with a man who would slap you. This activity escalates into something far more dangerous. Please do not tolerate physical abuse.

B. Your attending an AlAnon meeting is not something that he must "allow." It is something you do because YOU WANT TO!!

This man is not only dangerous, he is controlling. Two "design flaws" that should wave the red flag furiously. Get away from him!!!

With great concern, Diva

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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Becky1


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((((Water))) I understand the difficult place you are in.  It is very important that you get all the help you are able to, online, or otherwise.  I stopped telling my AH that I was even going to Alanon meetings because he felt intimidated.  He didn't try to stop me from going, or I probably would have flipped out.  I know what I need to do for me, and I do it.  If I can do it without making my life harder, which is usually him mouthing off about Alanon or this site, etc., I do.  I just do it when he is gone. 


My exhusband was very controlling, so I know how it feels.  But you can still do whatever you must do to take care of yourself.  I would limit contact with his family, what they are saying is obviously not true, they are blinded towards his faults.  It would do no good to argue with them.  You know what is right, and just, and true.  That is what matters.  You matter. 


I used to think that maybe if I died, that my husband would be very sorry, and feel bad.  But, he wouldn't connect it to his alcoholism.  He would miss me for a while, then return to his lover, which is beer. 


Have you read the book "Getting Them Sober?"  You can buy it online.  They also have a good website www.gettingthemsober.com.  I highly recommend it.  It helps me to uncover the lies that this disease creates.


I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  You don't have to decide to leave him today, or to stay today.   Just take care of yourself, keep yourself safe any way you can.  If you are in danger, call the authorities.  You are entitled to a life, just like he is.  You can't change him, but you can change you.  Trust me.  I have been where you are.  My husband tries to be all threatening, but when it comes down to it, it is all just words.  Blah, blah, blah.  That is why I know that alcohol does not make anyone speak the truth.  It makes them lie.


Please keep coming back.  You will find love and understanding here.  We know your path.


Love in Recovery,


Becky1



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waterlesschain


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Thank you for your email and advice. I appreciate it so much. I will buy the book Getting Them Sober. I also want to buy the book Woman Who Love Too Much and Co-dependant No More. I was going through the site and came across these books.

I just want to be strong enough one day to say I will tolerate this no more. I dont feel I am quite there yet. By talking to you it helps me so much. I cannot talk to anyone. Firstly its too embarressing. What does it say about myself that I date a man who drinks himself into a comma!!! and then verbally is very cruel!!!! So I must try and become a little stronger each week gaining more confidence and becoming totally financially independant - and by the way - that terrifies him. He told me there was a extremely wealthly lady who fancied him, he said he could never date her cause she was rich!!! That comment stuck with me - so date the poor girl and manipulate and control her. He knows the rich lady would have sent him packing LONG AGO.

One thing I have managed to do - is to start working again. He did not want me to work!!!! He said he wants his woman at home taking care of him. That was not good for my self esteem or his control over me. He then had full control over me and the verbal abuse and drunkeness came every night. Since I have started working he gets drunk about 3 times a week which is way better than every night. My working contract is only until the end of October but then I pray I get more contracts to keep busy.

I feel better today as he did not drink on Saturday or Sunday. He was not well. When I tell him its because he was drinking non-stop from Wednesday, he says, its not the alcohol. Its his back that is sore and makes him ill. I cant help but roll my eyes. I mean really. He was vomitting Saturday and Sunday. From what I have read up, thats the liver and the stomach lining that is inflammed. Lets see what happens today.

Thank you once again for your advice. I sincerley appreciate it and for your non-judgemental approach.

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waterlesschain


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Dear Diva,


Yes I know he is controlling.  Extremely jealous and controlling.  I cant make any rush decisions, not until I am secured in work.  I had a permanent job, and gave that up, (STUPID ME, I KNOW), under his orders. 


He has enough money to support me and told me Portuguese men do not allow their woman to work, that the men provide for the woman, and the woman look after the men.  I stopped working for 3 and a half months, then one morning in June, when I was very, very down, and thought of taking my life as I felt so worthless and could no longer stand the drunken abuse, I got a call for a good contract position.  I had not been looking for work, it came out of the blue and it was GOD, cause honestly I was seconds away from ending it all. Without him knowing, I went for the interview and got the job.  I told him that he keeps telling me I am worthless, that I am poor, that he supports me, bla-bla-bla, so now I will work. 


I have been working and trust me his attitude has changed 100%.  That might sound strange to you, but he was far more drunk for far more days, and far more abusive before. 


I must keep working at healing myself.  I mean I must have a problem as this is the 2nd boyfriend who drinks heavily and is abusive.  So I allow this!!! What I have gained from the 4 days of being on this site is that I have no control over him or his drinking.  I am not too blame and have control of me.  I must get stronger.  I broke my neck in August last year in a car accident.  I should have died or at least been paralysed. I was not.  I must keep remembering that and keep coming to this site as it keeps me realising that I am not the only one in this world living with an alcoholic.  That helps alot.


 


 



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