The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I do not know which way to go now. I totally screwed up yesterday. I blame myself. My A says that HP has a reason for yesterdays disaster. I was doing great or so I thought. I got outside an hour before I had to leave. I was going to take off the fuel filter that screws into the carborator. I have done this 2 or 3 times lately with no problems. The truck has been spitting, sputtering & lunging lately. Well, I took the wrench and cross threaded the part when I put it back into the carb. I thought it was ok. The truck started & was running fine while we loaded the trash into it. Then it cut off & it will not start again.
My A comes out and takes one look. She sees what I did. ( she knows her way around the repairs, i do not but I am trying to do everything for myself.) I get fussed at. I walked inside & called my boss to tell her I would be at work asap. I called everyone I knew for a ride. I do not know a whole lot of people maybe about 6 or less I can call. I got a ride as I was walking to the road to meet them my A apologized for fussing at me. It was a mistake. I did not mess up the truck on purpose. I was crying and trying to know let her see. I made it to work 15 min late but the boss put down I was late 30 min. whatever!
My day at work was ok. I called home to see what A had found out about getting truck fixed and getting me a ride home. I am exhausted. I am tired. I am so sick of doing everything. I guess my A is being sober the last few days she is making me ill she is so sugar sweet. Life is good & it is my fault if I am not happy.
She did make some phone calls. She might be able to get a part to fix the truck. But no answer at one home, one neighbor was on the internet, one had dyed her hair and had an allergic reaction. Another I had called had her grandkids so no ride. I asked a coworker if she could give me a ride home. She told me no, I said that is ok. I got paid , picked up my things, said my goodbyes for the day & started walking home. I lost it. I was crying as I was walking. It is only 15 miles.I did not care if I got home whenever. I got off work at 8pm. Here comes my coworker who said she could not give me a ride. She told me not to cry. She did not know where I lived. She thought it was a ways away from her home. I got her to drop me off at the gate. I walked around the block.
I can not stop crying. I am over it. I have had enough. Why do I have to do everything? I can not make phone calls from my job. they do pay $25 a month for unlimited phone calls but it is not right. I don't think anyone is really seeing me cry. I hope not. I am just keeping my mouth shut.
I called another friend Tuesday today my day off. I don't like to bother her too much , she takes care of her 36 yro invalid son. She will do anything though. I went back to bed. My A calls her back & gets a ride to town to get that part. The one car parts store might be able to match it up. She called another friend who was to meet us there & give us some stuff for our animals.
We got to town about 130pm. the store could not match the part but there was a carborator shop next door best one in town. He says he can rebuilt the one we have for $140 or sell us a new one for around $200. The carb we have is a rebuild already and it was a piece of crap to begin with. So I guess we will be buying a new one. The friend that gave us a ride had to be back home by 3pm. I suggested we go and pick up my A's medication she was suppose to get last week. I hate myself. I blame myself for being so stupid. We got back to the car parts store because we were to meet the other friend. I was sent inside. She had come and gone about a half hour to 45 min ago.
Now we are back home the plan is to go next door and ask a neighbor we have only met twice if I can rent her car which is for sale to get to work the next day or so. I am to go to work 2 to 8pm Wed, 10am to 8pm Friday & 8pm to 8am Saturday. If we can not borrow the car then maybe they can take my truck to the repair shop which is close to my work. My truck does not have the title, tag or insurance yet. So I guess I am to drive it on the back roads without till something happens.
My A is saying there is a reason that we do not know as of yet why the truck is screwed up. She is not blaming me. I AM!
My boss lady called this am and offered to loan me money to get my truck up and running so it is ready when I get back from my trip in July 26 to Aug 1 to SC. I told her I needed help with towing it. She said she will work on that. now I may have to borrow that money lol
I just want to go back to bed & never get out of it. I want to give up! I am not getting it. I don't get the reason for this screw up. I am numb.
Geez, do you deserve a hug or what? ((((((((HUG)))))))
I know you're tired of it all and it sure seems you have a rough road, but please try to look at the good in the situation. This too shall pass. All is not lost. Your boss (and your HP) has offered a remedy to your problem. After your much needed vacation you will come home, your truck will be running and it'll be solved.
Trust your HP to provide and BELIEVE.
Hang in there, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
May I suggest we figure out what makes you so hard on yourself?
So ya cross threaded something! No one is dead. geez even every mechanic goofs.
I know it made obstacles for you, but look at how you are getting thru them. To me that may be what hp had in mind. What have you learned? People are willing to help, and you are keeping on, keeping on!
I finally, in my old age, decided this is life, the hard stuff is life.
So we just do the steps we need to do. Worrying does no good. I guess for me, liking the me the creator gave me, I don't care if I goof. I don't beat myself up. I know I am not perfect, I am going to goof.
In fact I always say blame me for whatever becuz i don't care. If I goof I clean it up.
Remember when they were blaming that ONE guy for the New Orleans people not getting help faster? they wastes so much time and money beating him up,deciding who's fault it was?
I kept saying BLAME ME BLAME ME. I will take the blame and lets move onnnnnn.
I know things will be ok, you guys will make it ok.
AND please start looking for what makes you so unique and special!! love,debilyn
Oh my goodness. Hun, I can not explain the truch thing, you know that I know about car issues (still think the tranny needs to be replaced have another 40 miles to go to get the stuff worked in). HP does have a plan even if we can't see it.
Do something nice for you!
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I have tremendous issues with the A around money. They did not really start till the recession hit where I lived. They were there though when we "hooked up" I just did not want to see them. That is the issue for me when the red flags were up there billowing I ignored them.
These days I do not ignore the red flags but I also don't enable or rescue the A. I also try super hard (and it is an incredible discipline) not to get into what he does with other people. I'd say actually it is his boundarylessness with others and his relationship with his family (his mother is a piece of cake) that have destroyed the relationship. That is actually very common for someone in al-anon. So I work super hard on not saying, anything, nada to the A about his friends, his employees (that is his friends who freeload) and his family. Sometimes it is very very hard to keep my mouth shut but I do. I also don't entertain them anymore. I am tired of being the one doing the entertaining, the one giving so I don't give anymore. I don't offer. For a people pleaser like me that is huge.
I have to work super hard, diligently day in day out to not collect resentments towards the A. Sometimes it feels like an uphill job other days it comes easily. The more resentments I have the more stuck I get with him. The less I have the better choices I have. I know this is a huge paraodox.
Not everything that happens is a negative even though it seems so. Reread your post! Alot of positives happened for you like your boss and your coworker. We have to learn to treat ourselves better so the universe can support us. This is only a temporary setback.
N t everythig has a reason, sometimes things just happen. Of course you are upset at this - look at what a lot of touble it caused! But there is no need to beat your self up - all that does is keep you from finding the solutions, and from finding comfort in whatever things ARE going right.
At least your A in not blaming you - nice for a change, eh?
Sounds like you are having another one of those "one of those days"...
Sounds like you have been having a LOT of them lately...
SIGH! That is tough I know. When you are under a lot of stress all of the time every little things seems like a big thing.
I hope that somehow things get better for you somehow and you find some peace in life. I have found that addicts are pretty immune to the pain of others. My husband has never cared at all when he made me cry, in fact, it seemed to have the opposite effect, he often thought I was "fake crying" to try and manipulate him...SIGH! He drinks to numb any feelings so he has trouble comprehending that anyone has any feelings at all.
Once I confided to a long time family friend about his alcoholism and the misery I was in, the pain of recounting such suffering brought tears to my eyes many times while trying to get it all out. This friend tried to encourage my husband to get help. My husband denied that he had a problem with alcohol and the friend did not buy it. I had given him too many specifics. The friend told my husband about how I was in so much pain I was in tears many times and found it hard to get it all out and that should move him to get help for him and his FAMILY. My husband mocked my tears and was angry that the friend did not believe his denials. My husband said to me "I wish I knew all I had to do to get people to take my side was squeeze out a few fake tears...(said while faking sobs in a cynical manner)...I would have learned to fake cry long ago...". There you go...an alcoholics view of a wife's tears of misery...
I was hurt at the mockery and indifference to my suffering, but at the same time was moved to pity him. Someone who has so dulled their emotions that they can't even comprehend them cannot be a happy or well person.
What I did was try to find friends to confide in, friend who cared about my pain and would offer me comfort in times of trial and also help me forget my troubles. Trying to make my husband be my "everything" led to nothing but misery. The less time we spend together the better we get along and the better things are between us.
I developed a home based business for us to do together that made us a lot of money years ago, but it was a disaster personally. My husband is such a jerk and bully in so many ways that I just could not endure working with him and dissolved the business (teen clients actually CRIED to see and hear his bullying and abusive treatment of me). I will NEVER work with him again, even thought some of our clients have urged us to go back into our business. Neither of us has enough credebtials to do it alone, so I simply had to dissolve the business. We are much poorer but the peace of mind is worth it.
I hope you can figure out something so you are not so unhappy and stressed out so much of the time. I have found that the less I have to do with my husband the better off I am. I let him simply be a "roomate" who contributes money to the household and occasional chores. Right now it is only garbage taking out and lawn mowing, he never lifts a finger to do anything else. The less I ask of him the more peaceful things are around here. He likes it this way for some strange reason. I seem to be some sort of "security" for him. He does not want to leave me but does not seem to want anything to do with me either, sigh. I give up trying to figure sick addicts out. If I felt about him the way he says he feels about me and I made the money he does...I would be out of here so fast his head would spin, LOL. I don't really know what keeps him here...I just know to stay out of his way as much as I can.
