The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For years I blamed everyone else for my unhappiness,my feelings of dispair and worry. Coming to alanon I can see blaming my parents, my husband , my siblings, or my children was wrong. I learned in alanon that I was responsible for my own happiness, that no one didnt owe it to me to make me happy. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself, get off my butt, stop sitting around and moping "woe is me" and start doing what would make me glad to be alive. I have to stop feeling responsible for the feelings of others, and be responsible for my own feelings. My happiness, my peace of mind, the way I look and talk are my responsibilities. Only I have the power to change them if I wish to do so, and not let anyone else interfere with my happiness and my life. Responsibilty for your own life helps increase your self esteem and improve your relationships with others. Afterall who wants to hang around someone who is always whining, complaining, and woe is me etc. I sure wouldnt .
Great post. I know I used to be that way often. I could find the downside in anything. I could whine about my A and his issues and keep repeating them to whoever would listen. I acted as if my daughters and my A and anyone elses troubles I could take on made up who I was. My thoughts never seemed to be of the glass half full. It didn't even occur to me that I COULD think differently.
Alanon played a big part in changing my attitude but another big part was my HP and a dear cousin that proved to me that the energy you put out in to the world is the energy you recieve. (Karma). Which makes perfect sense. If we are stuck on other people's issues we can't move forward with our own lives.
It's almost like some creepy movie, we take on their misery and it lives in us. When we spend years on the pity pot and complain to others about how crappy our lives are, how can we get any joy in return? Very few people can react with joy when all we do is complain to them and have the "woe is me attitude".
I now make a point to LOOK for the upside, and you know what? It's always there. It's work, just like all aspects of this program, but we can change our attitudes.
Almost magically, karma and HP go to work and life changes. I can attest to what I consider miraculous things in my life since I got off that pity pot. These things cannot be coincedenses.
Even when things just don't look too promising, I wait for the miracle, assuming I will get an answer and things will fall in to place. I try very hard not to get stuck on what could be considered negative things in my life. In reality, it is only negative when I make it so. Otherwise, it's just a different path.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 11:23, 2006-07-18
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Your post discribes me to a T prealanon. As I ran around and tried to recreate everyone to my fantasy, I became more and more disappointed when they wouldn't "play ball" I tried every form of manipulation i could think of and then some. If only they would _____ (fill in the blank) I would be happy. Yesterday I was thinking how many times did we leave the house for a family outing with me angry? I sure was a barrell of fun, and to make it worse in my head, it was all their fault...OH my thank goodness for alanon...Thanks for your post too gg...glancing at the past can help to set the tone for what i don't want to do today! :)
Hey, Gardengal, great topic! Oh yeah, I did that too. It was my husbands' fault, his drinking was to blame for everything, especially my misery! And boy was I miserable!
Guess what, he still drinks, still is in denial that he is in denial But, the thing that changed was ME! I am no longer that whiny, complaining miserable person. Oh, that's not to say I NEVER have my moments, after all, I'm human.
I am taking care of my favorite 3 people, me, myself & I!!!!!!!!
I am getting out socializing when I can with my non-alcoholic friends. I am working on my summer tan! I am taking care of my health! I just found out I have metabolic syndrome, basically my body is insulin resisitant, this is why my labs have been off kilter. If I do not take care & do something NOW, I will end up with type 2 diabetes 10 years or so from now. This accounts for the weight gain (for no apparent reason.) So, I now have something to work with, an explanation!
I have to start a special diet, that will definitely help with weight loss. Also give me back my energy! I am looking forward to that, to being the healthy person I always was!
Once we quit playing the "blame game" and look closely at ourselves, we really can find happiness whether the A is still drinking or not! That is my favorite line in our preamble. When I 1st heard it, I said to myslef, "yeah, right!" But it IS true!!!!!!!! Because our happiness comes from within!!!
Thank you for brining up this topic! Love you roomies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have used this group to vent a lot about the A. I find that essential sometimes. Your post reminds me that I need to put limits on the venting and put emphasis on the actions I need to do to move on. I have to be careful not to be in karpmans in any way. That is not acting out rescuer (my A totally bottomed me out on rescuing) victim ( I feel very much a victim) and perpetrator (there are times when my rage at the A feels uncontrollable - i'd really rather not go there.
While I believe that other's actions, opinions, etc. do have an affect on us, you are absolutely right in the long run, we are responsible for what we do with our lives. We can choose to react in a negative way or a positive way. That's what recovery is all about. Too many of my f2f meetings we're the same ol' people reacting the same ol' way. They aren't healing, they are whining. I try to remind myself that these people have been through alot, and maybe they aren't far enough along in their recovery to react any other way. On the other hand, I was told by one person that she has been with this same group for 10 years and they just like to get together and complain. Hmmm... to each his/her own. That's when I decided that my f2f group wasn't for me. I have gone back many times with an open mind, hoping that I just caught them on a bad day. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.
As I see it, I had 2 choices: 1) join the group and not heal or 2) find another way to do it. I chose the latter and found this remarkable place.
If recovery means anything, it means taking our life back. Being good to ourselves. Being comfortable in our own skin. If I don't work my program, then I don't get better. If I work my program, then I can and will get stronger. It's up to us. How bad do we want to get stronger, healthier and happier?
Thanks for the reminder. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I like how I heard an old timer put it: I am responsible for the influence I exert over others. Ultimately, how they react/respond to my influence is on them.
Therefore, since entering recovery, I make an effort to put forth loving influences into the universe.
For years my parents were responsible for my unhappiness and despair. It was very hard to move on from that but I have. Now it is a process of coming around not to blame those in my life for my negative feelings. But I am working on it. It brings me a lot of serenity to know I am responsible for my feelings. I am learning that and teaching my daughter at the same time. I will still need to vent in appropriate forums and with appropriate people to heal my inner child, but I agree it is awful to hear myself when I am blaming someone else. It rings hollow and fall flat on my ears, I can just imagine how it appears to others.
But, the thing that changed was ME! I am no longer that whiny, complaining miserable person. Oh, that's not to say I NEVER have my moments, after all, I'm human. 
Also give me back my energy! I am looking forward to that, to being the healthy person I always was!
It rings hollow and fall flat on my ears, I can just imagine how it appears to others.