The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i just wanted to add something that might help others that were in a situation like mine. as most of you know i played the game of kicking him out letting him back and on anon anon for the past year. someone once told me that i wasnt ready to go yet. and when we are ready if we are ready we will leave. that is really true in my case. before i was a wreck when i would kick him out i couldnt see myself without him. but the last time i let him back home i hit my bottom. being with him was beginning to be more painful then being without him. i wasnt ready to leave in the past. i dont regret letting him come and go not one bit. cause each time i got a little bit more of my independence. then the last time i let him home i was the only one supporting out household. which helped me overcome my fear of not being able to take care of myself. i not only did it but took care of someone else too. the difference now is that i feel a whole lot lighter and i'm saving one to two hundred dollars a week. im getting through the hard times by focusing on one day at a time. cause today i may be sad but tomorrow im surprised with complete happiness. i dont hold any emotions in, i let it all out. i focus on letting go of my a and realizing we both have an hp that has a plan for each of us wether or not we are together. if you love something you set it free, if it comes back it's meant to be, and if not im gonna be fine because i know one day i will get my knight in shining armor in hp's time and not mine. for now this is me time and no one will take that away from me anymore. i was sick of being in a relationship with my a because he pushed me aside and i was always second best, the whole time i was treating myself the exact same way. how can i ask this of another human being if i cant give it to myself. i really do believe you cant love another until you love yourself first. thats my current mission.....self love. hope this helps someone. :)
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Thanks notsonew, it was something I needed to hear right now. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do, but feel I am getting closer to a decision? I do not have serenity right now, and so desperatly miss it. I don't know if this will be a repeat of all the other summers I've been through, NO, let me rephrase that! THIS WILL NOT BE a repeat of all the other summers with him. I plan to enjoy myself this summer, and do what I want instead of worrying and fretting over where he is or what he's doing. See ya at the beach!! :) Love TLC
You really explained that well! For me it has been exactly the same way. Had to hit my bottom where being with them is worse than being without them. Seems my hindsight is always better than my foresight.
I agree with your post.I left and never returned .The main reason I left him cause I loved him so much.My story only but you can leave and still love them and work on loveing you and letting go ..
Thank you for your post. I am currently seperated from my husband and your post has only reinforced for me what I have been feeling. I love my husband and miss him terribly. However, it has become clear that we cannot be together now. Although he is dry - he has little recovery. As a result all of the behaviors are still there and I can no longer accept this in my life.
Today I had to after several up and down days of conversations tell him not to contact me anymore. It is just to difficult to deal with it all. It is very hard and it is painful for me as I am used to talking to him several times each day. But what is more painful is listening to the man I love be so unhealthy. I have work to do on me and I have realized that I cannot do that with his constant badgerings.
I do not know what the future holds for us, that is up to my HP. I need to focus on me today, this minute, and ask for guidance. That is all I can do.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
i really agree. i left and came back many times before i truly left. but that's just what i had to do. this time i knew i was done because i wasn't leaving mad. sad, disappointed, scared, but not mad. it felt ok where as before i was so wrapped up in him and hating him and tracking him and whatever him that i just couldn't let go. i'll say a prayer for all of us. staying or going.
Wow I completely agree with you. After going thru it too, you are so right on. We learned something every time they came and went.
For me it was a concious decision to see how long it would last each time. I would hope to get to have some good time with him and did. I don't regret it at all.
As soon as his disease was a drag one time, gone again.
Now I am hoping I get some good time with him again. If not, well I am happy in my own life with out him.
thank you thank you for posting. I believe it is important to let people know, just becuz they leave or you boot them, does not mean ya may not want them to come back again.
It does not mean you are weak at all. NOT at all. I am happy to be strong enough to allow him to come back, even if it is only for an hour.
Sadly for me, if he is using he is horribly abusive so he cannot be here using at all. But this time, he has agreed he must go on meds for his bi polar disease.
Anyway, sorry blabbed on here...again thank you for posting this. It is a great reminder that explains maybe why we take them back again and again. It isn't so much we are weak, but that we are strong and want to keep working on it.
And yes, we walk away when we know we need to.
My mother always told me, that when you are done, you are done. Talking about any kind of a rough relationship.
Good posts, notsonew111. Lots of thought went into that, I know. Debi, I had to laugh at your post. My mom says the same thing about me "When you're don, you are Really done, and there ain't no going back." That's how I am, I will give and give, and turn myself inside out for someone, but one time too many, and I'm gone....the lights are out...Becky has taken her toys to another yard to play, and no you may not come. I don't like your old toys anyway.
I desperately want this marriage to work. More than I ever have another relationship I have been in, and that's been a lot. This husband of mine means a lot to me, somehow. I can see "him" beyond the alcohol, I guess, and I love that man. But, I'm, pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way about me. And, he is so threatened by Alanon, I cannot be on the site while he is at home. I wouldn't care if he read every single post I've every written or replied to, because it is the truth. And I have nothing to be ashamed of if I am truthful.
Sorry so rambling, kinda been that kind of day for me. I will keep you in my prayers. May God's strength, love, and protection surround us all, tonight and always. Amen.
I think one of the things that comes up for me now is that I deserve love too. I have showered the A with love, helped him immeasurably and been trampled on for it. I know he feels he does not deserve it. These days I am feeling I deserve to be wih someone who does not bite my head off every other minute. I also deserve to be with someone caring not indifferent.
I used to make a lot out of the little things. Our pets love him, adore him. That is not enough anymore. I used to feel sorry for him, now I don't. He has many options.
I also used to buy into that I was the dysfunctional one. Now I have done so so much work in al-anon I cant say that anymore either.
