The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was in a relatonship with an alchoholic for 16 years. I finally ended it for myself and for my children. I did what everyone said I should do. I pulled my self up by the bootstraps and I got my life straight. We have been apart for almost three years. The divorce will be final aug 21 because up until now he refused to sign. I have a good life now. I have three beautiful girls, a boyfriend that loves me and does not drink, or do drugs, or hit me, he works and I stay at home doing what I dreamed of being a mom and a housewife. Not rat race for me any more!
So why do I have days where I just feel rage? I feel so angry for no reason. I dont understand it. I should be happy and yet I am just all over the place. One day i'm fine and then I just feel like the most usless person on earth. I tell myself you made it through all of the bad why can't you just enjoy the good but I just can't stop myself. Am I crazy??? Am I finally losing it NOW, NOW that its all over???
Okay somehow my post got deleted. I don't know why, but lets try it again. I was suggesting that perhaps your anger is directed more at the disease than him. Or you are grieving for a relationship that once was. All of this is perfectly natural.
You're not crazy. You did what you thought was best for you. That's all anyone can do. I still have some residual anger at my hubby's disease, because of the financial strain it put us under. That feeling eventually passes. I think your's will pass too. If not perhaps there is someone at a f2f you can talk too.
You're doing just fine. Welcome to our MIP family. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn
-- Edited by Karilynn at 20:10, 2006-07-17
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
This is a wonderful, safe and careing place where you are surrounded by people who understand how you feel. I am acturally still living with my alcholic wife (AW) and the rage and abuse you had to endure is real for me right now. She is not the person I married 15 years ago, as the disease has taken her over and squashed all the compassion and grace she once had.
One thing people have mentioned to me about this program (Al-anon), is: So what happens if she gets better, how will you be? You see, I have learned that when you live with Aism in your life you become sick in your own way.
You have gotten away from the abusive issues and that is great, but Al-Anon can help you get yourself back together. That's what its for. For YOU.
You are not crazy, and you are not alone. Keep posting here and you will learn about meetings you can go to face to face and the chat meetings online. (there is a link in the upper left corner of this page)
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Most of the time I feel happy. Then I just seem to get stuck in the past or a thought of the past and in the middle of my happiness I am angry for everything that happen to me. How do you just move on. He is out of our life, There is no disfuntion here anymore but in me. Somehow I think that his problem is still carried in me, that I got away but now I am the one that everyone treads on eggshells around. It makes me feel like I have "caught" some piece of his disfunction and brought it with me. What i am asking is, is this normal? Will it go away or should I stop and do something different to make it go away?
thank you rtexas, I have never been to a meeting and I am really just haveing a hard time these past few days. I thought maybe coming on here to chat would help me. My boyfriend is the one who suggested it. we saw an ad on T.V.. All I want is just to be better and enjoy my new life. thanks for your advice.
My only advice is to stick around for a while. Get some materials and hit some meetings if possible, and you will be able to decide for yourself if living with active alcoholism for years "rubbed off on you".
The folks here will not really offer advice, just (ESH) sharing Experience, Strength and Hope. I am not qualified to diagnose anybody, but if you are curious enough to come here, you probably owe it to yourself to check it out.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hi, and welcome to MIP. I am going through a hard time right now, still living with my A, but trying to decide if I want to continue or not.
I have been divorced for 6 or 7 years now, (he was not an A, but was ACOA, a child of alcoholics). Now that I have found this place, I understand that it was like he was a 'dry drunk' all those years.
Anyway, when I read your post, the idea popped into my head that maybe with your divorce coming up, you may be kind of having flashbacks? I was with my ex for 23 years, and I just can't forget everything I went through with him. In my case, living with an A has been better than living with my ex. Now I'm contemplating living on my own, having no-one tell me when I should go to bed, when I should get up... sounds pretty good to me right now.
Coming here was the best thing that ever happened to me. There are absolutly wonderful people here who understand and can relate to what you have been through. Some have decided to stay with their A's, some have decided to leave, but no matter what, there is always someone here for you. Some have been divorced or seperated for years, but have found great friends here, and are also so willing to help out and share their ESH.
I had the same experience this year after leaving my A husband of 22 years. He got sober in Nov. and has been sober since. I refused to go back and try again. I knew when it was over for me and nothing would steer me back only to be fooled again. I just didn't love him anymore.
The anger for me was partly because he had everyone sold that I was in the wrong for giving up and also the mourning of what I thought we had together. The life I had laid out for myself and my family was over and I had to grieve it.
I don't know if that sounds anything like what you are going through but whatever it is for you, you need to feel it. You need to face the anger to move on in your life. It sounds like things are turning around for you really well and it will all work out once you get through the anger.
I have had some therapy that has helped tremedously as well. And this board is a great way to vent and to hear others ESH. Keep coming back, it works!
I read your post and thought I should look at the name to see if was me.It sounded like my story.No you are not crazy but when you been though alot of abuse trauma drama , you go through all kinds of emotions.Remenber they are only emotions not facts.
Feel them go through them and move on.Also for me I go through alot of anger because for the first time I feel safe to express it but dont know how or when or where .. You also go though like withdraw cause you been in so much caos it like you cant lvie with ojut the caos you know in your brain you dont want it but your soul wants it .
you are in a new realtionship I am sure in some ways it is healing but scarey.
just keep posting here go to meetings .I know for me sometimes it is alot to process and I have to make my self live in the moment.One thing I started is journaling and it helps .
welcome to alanon, glad you found us. your in a really good place to finding all the answers. you lived with this disease for such a long time and learned certain behaviors and actions,reactions because of it. it became a way of life for you. you learned to live your life in fear over a long period of time so you cant fix it all over night. same as if you were abused as a young child, it would still affect you today. but see you can learn how you deal with it. keep coming back and you'll get it all figured out. (((hugs))) to you.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I think this is the key of why you still feel angry sometimes. Perhaps you were not really ready for such a life upheaval, but felt pressured to do it. Maybe due to feeling pressured you forgot to look before you lept, LOL, you did not consider the ramifications of the abrupt change you were undertaking (although you felt they were necessary).
Sixteen years is a LONG time to be with someone. Many psychologists feel that it takes as many years to recover from a divorce and bad relationship as it lasted. I don't believe this is true, I don't think you will need 16 years to recover, but still, three years is a very short time to adjust to leaving a marriage, uprooting, moving, leaving the work force, a relationship with someone else, etc.
PHEW GIRL! That is a LOT of change for three years!
And besides all of the change you are going through, you have to help your children with what they are feeling with such abrupt change.
Thank goodness you landed on your feet, right!
Now you have to realize that even when a marriage is very bad it is still a LOSS that you have to grieve and work through. You are not only grieving your mate, but your lifestyle, your home, friends, neighbors, etc. even if it was bad and you were unhappy. It was what you had grown used to.
Not only that, but I don't know if all of your children are your EX-husbands or some stepchildren with your new boyfriend, but that is also difficult to deal with, visitation with EX, perhaps step children issues, etc.
Some people in unhappy marriages dream of the happiness they will find when they leave. Often they DO find happiness but it is not all sunshine and roses. Sometimes you just trade one set of problems for others. Visitation, child support, and seeing your EX and their "mate of the moment" at your children's functions isn't always easy. Then you have to often let your children visit your ex and his new love whoever she is, and worry about their fitness to be around your children.
Once again you have a lot of change in your life. Many people find only one of the changes you mentioned overwhelming, such as a divorce, leaving the workforce, moving, a new live in relationships....and you bit them all off at once.
Just give yourself time...
Seek professional help if you can't deal with these strong emotions yourself.
You are VERY fortunate to have landed on your feet and you don't want your periods of anger and rage to undermine your current happiness.
Hello am I ? when u live with alcoholism anger is normal and unless u too recovery the pain will not go away and we carry it al linto another relationship and anger is part of the package. I hope u will attend meetings for yourself , you say your not living with alcoholism right now well i beg to differ you are living with the after afects of this damn disease so it is still affecting your life. give us a try for a few months , get to know you a little better and see how u feel then. bye for now good luck here is the toll free international number for meetings in your area .. 1-888-4alanon
