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Well...We had a rough weekend. I am afraid I didn't handle things as well as I should have. It hurts so bad to have someone I love tell me that I don't show her I love her and respect her. When she was screaming it to me in the car at 11:00 at night on the highway I told her to stop screaming at me! Loudly. I didn't cuss her out or anything, but I was upset and she knew it.
She had quite a few drinks in her at the time and when we got home she layed down in our son's room (he was staying at his brothers). When I came in I told her I was going to go lay down and tried to give her a kiss, which she dodged.
For the next hour and a half she popped into the bedroom about every 15 minutes to scream something at me. "If you loved me you would beg me to come into the bedroom with you"... "Guess if I stay in here you can get some sleep"... "All I want is for somebody to treat me right"
I really didn't even move... figured she would eventually get the hint and go to sleep. Couple of times I just said "... why don't you grab your pillow and come to bed?" Problem is every time she did this I was just about asleep. Scared the snot out of me to be woken up that way.
I followed her out to the garage when her last outburst was that she was going to our son's apartment. I asked if she wanted me to take her, or was she going to call a cab. That started her screaming again so I told her she was acting like a child, and that I have been calm and understanding when she has been raking me over the coals for the past few months, but I am getting sick of it.
"I love you and I don't do anything to intentionally upset you or disrespect you. I don't deserve to be constantly screamed at." I went to the living room and turned on a movie. (Was plenty awake now... for 2am anyway) She went back and passed out.
Of course, now she is working on the Seperation papers again. <sigh> If you are filling out these papers to hurt me... don't waste your time. If you really feel that you don't want to work on our relationship and try to make things better, then do what you think is best.
Now... I have been through this before. We have worked on the agreement for months now off and on, whenever I acturally disagree with her openly.
On the one hand, I feel good that I let her know I don't intend to just sit there and be yelled at. But on the other hand... I feel guilty, because I don't know that she has any control over it anymore.
Am I setting a boundry against unacceptable behavior that she can do nothing about? Or is this just my codependance kicking in saying I have no right to my own feelings?
Wishing you all the best today. Thanks for being here!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I wish I knew what to say to you. Dodging her intoxicated bullet until 2am has got to be rough. You have more patience than I would have had. I will keep you in my prayers that all will be ok. Take care of you...and your kids. You are a good husband and you deserve to be treated better than this.
rude is rude , drunk or sober it is unexceptable. My husb used to do the same, until like you I got the courage to stop him in middle of one of his tirades and ask him to lower his voice and talk to me like he does anyone else , or I was leaving the room. he looked at me and said yeah right ! and continued so i got up and left the room, occasionally I have left the house.
It didn't take him too long to realize u are pretty inafective screaming when your the only one in the room . your boudnary is not unreasonable. And she does have control over this one she has a choice stop or u will leave the room and the secret is to leave the room. don't stay and wait for the retort its usless.
My husb was still drinking at the time as well , and the hollering stopped after a couple of weeks because I said what I meant , and meant what I said . One of the saddest lessons I learned here was that I taught him how to treat me by allowing that kind of behavior for yrs. So no one to blame but myself. good luck Louise
I think there is a lot of wisdom in what abbyal/Louise shared. I think it is hard to think straight when in the middle of the chaos, like what you've described. I've found that the more times I try to do the "I expect you to treat me with respect, etc etc, ... and if that doesn't happen I will (leave the room/whatever)" -- well the more times I do that the better I get at it. I find having support, whether here, or a sponsor or a friend, also helps me keep my thinking straight, or at least straighter when I'm in the middle of such chaos.
Many cyber (((((hugs))))))) are being sent your way.
Why, why does everything with alcoholics/addicts happen between midnight and 2 am?????
So sorry that you had another one of those sleepless nights, those are so miserable. I also agree with the others, that if the A's in our lives won't respect the boundary to lower their voices and speak to us with respect, then we have the right to shut the door, lock the door, or even leave the house. I can only imagine as a man it must be hard to have to leave your home because of your wife's drinking, but please don't let that stop you - you deserve the right to have a peaceful night's rest. My home group has several husbands and fathers of alcoholics. They have shared about how difficult it was to set and enforce those boundaries. As men, they felt they should be the strong masculine fixers. It was hard for them to admit that they needed to leave the home if the situation was unhealthy.
Please don't hesitate to take care of you. Sending thoughts and prayers your way for a peaceful nights rest,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I agree with abby. I choose to walkout of the room when he starts raging at me. For me I do it not only for me, but for the kids as well. All of us desreve as much sanity as possible.
Keep working on you.
Yours in reocvery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Does she yell these things when she is sober? I am only curious.
yes we have to teach others how we want to be treated. You sound like you are doing this.
Maybe go a step further, get a lock for your bedroom door. When she treats you bad, she does not get to sleep with you.
you sound like a very nice person, maybe it would help for you to not accept the behavior sooner.
As soon as she is rude, thats it. NO more talking. I will be treated with respect or i will leave the room, or i am going to bed or I am going for a drive.
She is trying to engage you. I wonder if you are real loving to her when she is sober. If she is good to you then.
Remember not to say anything you do not plan to carry out.
I also would not respond to anything that is insane talk or rude talk. Do you realize everytime you said something, she came back with yelling and meaningless bs?
She wants to leave, so... she is an adult, let her figure it out.
What made ya follow her to the garage? Hey I would figure it is a disease walking around and not give it one ounce of attention.
I would go take a shower, drink some tea, read and go to sleep. NOT pay any attention.
For me it became a game with myself. I knew my A was in there somewhere and I was not going to waste my breath with his stupid disease.
Still don't. That is why, when and if he comes here, if he is mean once, it is the disease and it is leaving. If he gets mean at all, I have a pistol and he hates guns. He does not know it is here.
I will not hesitate to get it out. I would make sure it is empty but he does not know that.
When I say mean I mean physical.
She may get that way if you completely ignore her. If she does call 911 and give her disease an education.
I am sure you have told us about this behavior before. I recognize you by how you share. you sound like a very mellow, kind, respectful person, who probably taking waaaaay too much from this disease.
give this stuff a try, let us know how it goes. we are here for you. love,debilyn
I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. I can certainly understand the "If you loved me's". one of the boundaries I had to set was in my own head, fact is I do love him and I have choises in what I will and won't do at any given time. It made it easier when he says things like that. Don't be so hard on yourself, it sounds like you did the best you could and treated her with respect. Actually your post reminded me of a time when my AH asked me to kiss him, and I did. Then it was "No do it harder" .... this went on for about 15 minutes until I realised what I was doing. There are times when nothing will please my A, his needs are too big and he is not willing to fill them himself hence the cycle of substance abuse. <sigh> it's so easy to say it, just not easy to live with or deal with it. I wish you well. Take care.
I used to have tons of scenes with the A. They have stopped because I don't engage with him as much I used to rage and he raged back and broke stuff. He broke everything furniture, appliances galore. He is a bully.
I stopped playing into it. I don't ask twice anymore either.
I think it takes really a lot not to go for the dramarama. The issue is with your rage. I have to go someplace else and let out my anger and my disgust and my anxiety. The A can't hear it. And what's worse he actually uses the misery to propel his drug use. The issue isn't I am driving him to drink. The issue is he sets up situations where he can justify drinking. And of course he can always justify it can't he?
I think I also felt I had some kind of intimacy when I was yelling how sick of him I was. The fact is he doesn't care. All he cares about his drinking and cozying up to his friends. I come last.
Well I guess everything comes last after the alcohol. He is also last on the list.
