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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> proud of myself for not feeding into my A's rage
Post Info TOPIC: proud of myself for not feeding into my A's rage
liliana


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proud of myself for not feeding into my A's rage
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I feel like I made some progress last night.  I got out of work early, my husband was out shooting golf balls when I called him.  We had a miscommunication about dinner, I told him I would shop and cook and to take his time coming home-not to rush just because I was out early.  Well, I shopped and put the food away, and jumped on my treadmill, I felt so peaceful and grateful to be home early for a change, and in walks a man full of rage.  We have a tiny apartment, and put up a curtain in the doorway to keep the living room a comfortable temputure.  When I came home the curtain was down and I put it back up, I figured one of the cats pulled it down again or whatever.  I didn't know that he had a new plan to keep the windows in the other room closed  and the curtain down to cool the entire apartment.  Well he went wild, screaming calling me every word in the book, and started to throw my vitamin bottles around the room, they were the quickest thing available to him (thank God, I am tired of him throwing and breaking my knick knacks, or plates of food-nothing more disguisting than chicken parm on the wall.)  Then he went totally nuts when he found out that I had not started dinner.  He said that I am obsessed with working out, and he comes last all the time.  I cater to him way to much, and I know he knows it deep down, but not when he is off the wall with anger like he was.  So I stayed and listen to his nonsense for about 20 minutes, and then I decided to grab the comforter that I have been meaning to wash, and went to the laundromat, and sat there in peace reading my magazine for alittle over an hour.  When I came home the hungry man ate half a pizza and 6 beers, and was very apologitic, I remained calm and told him I just wanted to drop it.  I chose not to be a victim and sit here and cry for hours and feed into his rage defending myself. My mother was not an alcoholic, but she was a rage-aholic and I lived in fear even though she never raised a hand, she was very intimadating.  I have lived in fear and shame since I was born. Through al-anon I am learning to gently stand up for myself and walk away, and do something good for myself instead of being a victim, curled up in a corner crying for hours.  I am not saying that he didn't offend me, I feel really sad right now, I feel zapped, I allow him to take my peace away all the time, but I will go on with my day, it is my day off and I deserve to make it nice.  I plan on going to a noon meeting, and really just taking it slow.  Thanks for showing me that there is hope.  Lil



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dori


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Hi,


 wow I wanted to cry with  you for joy..Hard work but good work takeing care of you .a great exsample for women who are in abusive relationships that stay..



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dorene morrow
Christy


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lilana,

Good for you for protecting yourself. This program is surely a process and most people find the longer they are in it and work the steps, the stronger they become.

Perhaps a good boundary would be to leave the minute it starts instead of listening to it for 20 min. though. We teach people how to treat us and by leaving immediately it shows that the behavior is unacceptable to you. (just a suggestion).

I can't tell you how many times I left the house in my early alanon days. I wasn't very good at detaching so out the door I'd go. The neat thing was is I found fun stuff to do. I would discover new parks and paths, sometimes make arrangements to meet with friends etc.

You might even discover you :)

take care
Christy



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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
annmarie


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Hi Liliana,
I just wanted to offer you my support. I've been living a similar life recently. I agree with Christy to try and walk away from an argument.
In my case, it seems to blow up into a huge argument in no time. Often I don't even know how it began.
I find that if I stay in the room while he is bellowing, he will invariably make insulting remarks towards me, and naturally I have to defend myself. I am working with setting boundaries for myself...this includes not getting dragged into stupid offensive arguments. So, what do I do, stand up for myself or let him berate me in any way he likes. I feel the best thing is to get out of the environment as quick as I can.
I too discovered parks, riverwalks, librarys etc...just places to gey away to. I find long walks give me time to think and certainly clears my mind....

I am not an angry person but I feel myself getting dragged into the anger when he starts, maybe this is just the insidiousness of the disease. When I walk away, it can't follow, the anger lessens...

Anyway Liliana, I hope you find your peace,
AM

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nycbt


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Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.


 


 


 


World Service Organization Website –


 


WWW.al-anon.alateen.org


 


Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666


Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html 


 


Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.


 


 



  • Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

  • post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

 


·        In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.


 


·        Set support system.  people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.


 


 



  • Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

 


You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.


 

 Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
Dolphin123


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(((Lil))),


Good for you, just keep working the program. Isn't it great when we can see some growth in ourselves?


Yours in recovery,


Dolphin123



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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
drucilla06


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(((((liliana))))


Wow, good for you.


I did a similar thing yesterday,went shopping with my AH and in the car he kept saying things that would usually get a reaction from me,would usually upset me.I was in a good mood and thanks to this program and the great people here at MIP,I could see what he was doing.So I decided not to get pulled in.I stayed quiet,changed the subject,turned on the car radio,and avoided an argument.A year ago it would have ended in a big argument with me crying and wondering why he is so mean.Later,he was in a good mood and my day wasn't ruined.


That was big for me but in my opinion small compared to what you did.If he were screaming at me I don't know if I could have stayed calm.Maybe but I'm not sure.We have had arguments where we are both screaming.I hate that.


This shows the effect that we can have on this disease just by taking care of ourselves and not letting it pull us in to the sickness.


Keep working the program and taking care of you.You are doing great.


love and hugs      d     


 



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Becky1


~*Service Worker*~

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Good for you, lil.  I finally learned thru alanon to not let his rage infect me.  It feels so good to just walk away, go do something I like to do.  I sometimes get a little resentful, cos I am a homebody, and would just be content to sit here, but once in a while, when things get ugly, I get movin'.  Just learning how to take care of ourselves, a little at a time is so empowering.  I am so proud of you.  Keep up the good work.  It gets easier all the time.


Love in Recovery,


Becky1



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Don't leave before the miracle!
maresie2


~*Service Worker*~

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I am so proud of you too. That takes such discipline.  I play into the A's rage all the time. I also play into his control games. It gets super old.


Maresie.



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maresie
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