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Well folks, this is it.(please HP, let it really be over!! Give me the strength to stand by ME!!)
I know a lot of you may be wondering why I call it quits after such a trivial (?) thing?? He got drunk on July 9th (my birthday) and ruined that, I called my son and cancelled because I didn't want the kids to see him like he was. So, last night, we tried to have a belated birthday celebration with a bonfire on the beach,( which is always my 1st choice.) He was outside all day with his son-in-law, coming in only for more beer. He could barely walk over the beach, which our families had gathered on with 6 children present. I ignored him totally and went in the house after everyone was gone, (well, my side of the family anyway.) He stayed outside and tried to convince his daughter that I was mad at my son,(NOT!!) and would take it out on him. This was preparing her for me being mad at him for being drunk. He said I would take it out on poor little innocent him.(because he wasn't drunk) he must think we're all blind and very stupid! The more he drinks, the stupider we get, right?
Last time, I slept upstairs, while he slept in my expensive new bed (that I paid for with the sweat off my broken back). This time, I locked the bedroom door, put his meds outside on the floor of the hall, and when he came in, I told him he could sleep upstairs. To give you the short version, he threatened to break down the door, and punch me in the face again!! I told him I'd really press charges this time! He will NEVER get away with that again!!!!!!!
I really was very, very happy with him, when he was sober. I wanted you to know, that happiness IS possible with an alcholic, and maybe, just maybe there really is hope. I'm sorry if I misled any of you. I did warn you that I never stopped wondering...when? Well, with prayers to my HP, that I will remain 100% true to MYSELF, I am giving him over to whatever destiny has in store for him. Right now, I give up! In a way, I'm relieved, no more wondering. I am in control of my own life, and will make it whatever HP has in store for me. Please pray for me, Love always, TLC
... To give you the short version, he threatened to break down the door, and punch me in the face again!! I told him I'd really press charges this time! He will NEVER get away with that again!!!!!!! ...
Dear ((((TLC))) physical violence is never a "trivial thing". I am with my active A and have found serenity (for the most part) and happiness (again for the most part), but I have never had physical violence done to me nor would I stay if it happened. For me that is going over the line. The verbal abuse was bad enough. Through working my program, that has ceased except for the rare occasion when he gets real drunk and starts his rants. I walk away now though and don't listen to it. Violence of any sort scares me. I am one who doesn't fall for the line "I only did that cause I was drunk". I personally don't believe it is just the drinking that causes a person to be that way. There's that saying heard here, "You can take the rum out of a fruitcake, but you still have a fruitcake." Now I do believe people can change their behaviors. My father was a rageaholic, but for some reason he mellowed in his old age and lost the rage. I think there is always Hope for others, but then I also believe you have to keep yourself safe first and foremost. I'm glad you are looking at taking care of yourself. Will certainly pray for you. Glad you are sharing and are here. ((((((hugs again)))))))
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I know the feeling...I have felt that way many times.
My husband actually told me, "you will leave my life before alcohol ever will, I will get rid of YOU before I get rid of soemthing that brings me so much joy and happiness".
SIGH!
I have resigned myself to the fact that I married a drug addict and that like most of them, their drug comes FIRST above all else.
It is a slight comfort that alcohol really does not come first in reality. It is the addiction "talking" when they say that. If alcohol REALLY came first to him he would not work and just drink all day.
What he is really saying is that he is too sick to give up his drug and that right now I am just a nuisance to him if I try to get him to give it up when he is not ready and he may rid himself of that "nuisance" like someone would smack a fly...sigh.
That is the reality of living with an addict.
I too have put a lock on my bedroom door for when he is out of control drunk. He has not hit me specifically, but has assaulted me physically trying to push me out of the way of a door he was trying to enter for instance.
My husband is drunk all of the time and I never try to hide it from anyone, not even our daughter. Let her see him for what he is. If I think it is that bad I will leave him rather than try to hide things from her.
I used to be embarrassed when he went to friends house drunk (and we have lost most of those friends as I don't have any friends who have alcohol problems) but not anymore. I have some friends, but very few, who stayed my friend and I don't need those "fair weather" friends who shun me due to my husband acting like a jerk.
I am sorry about your bonfire party being ruined.
I don't let my husband ruin any parties for me anymore. I usually don't invite him to family parties and try to sneak away without him knowing. Our daughter usually invites him though, sigh, but I suggest she not.
I have come to the point that I don't expect ANYTHING good from him so if he is able to act right anywere it is a pleasant surprise, and if he acts like a drunken idiot well, I was expecting that so I am emotionally prepared and have plans to still make the function run smoothly.
Enjoy your new fancy bed! I got a TV for my room and when my husband is really out of control my daughter and I go into my room and lock the door and blast the TV so we don't have to hear his stupid loud drunken mouth. I also have a fan in there, and with the fan on, and the TV blasting and the door locked I am actually able to "shut him out" entierly and not hear him, LOL, what a relief.
At this stage in my recovery I don't count on the A for much. Physical celebration would be out for me. The effort is too loaded. I will not be trying that anymore. In some ways it feels "right" to give up.
I found some solace in going to counselling. I also found a lot in not building up expectations they just turned into resentment. The A is more cooperative these days. Is he the loving person I need - nope. But our relationship is far less volatile. Do I still feel I carry more of the load. Absolutely.
I have to really work to de-escalate. I don't argue, control or try to get "him" to do that much. If he doesn't want to do something I don't press it because he is like a bull in a china shop.
I can't say it is easy to do this but it is better than the alternative of fighting all the time. Is it loving, not really but it is more loving and peaceful than arguing all the time.
My heart broke as I read your post.Abuse is abuse if it is masked by drinking or not.You dont deserve to be hit or a door broke down and no one can tell you what you need to do but this take care of you ,look out for you..I left when he was at work and it is the scariest thing I ever did but I made it out safe and never returned.
I if any one understands why we stay why we take it and take it and take it .I just want you to know as many are praying for you I am praying also and my heart goes out to you if I can personally pray for any thing specific pm and i will not reveal your confidence ..
