The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am brand new to this board (about 5 minutes) and go about once a week to in person Alanon meetings. My former husband is my qualifier, as well as my psychotic mother. I am typical enabeler, trying to heal the world, one addict at a time. I
need help because I want and need to start new patterns. Today I am desperate and feel like I can't shake my old ways. I am about to ruin the best relationship I have ever been in because the only way I know how to love is to do so conditionally depending upon her actions. I am in a new relationship with a wonderful woman. A woman who has addiction in her past (I said past...over 20 years ago). She has been clean from her drug of choice for decades. She lives life truthfully and objectively. She isnt' afraid to look at herself and loves me unconditionally. She drinks in moderation, smokes pot periodically, and basically is the most together person I have ever dated. She battles with smoking cigarettes -- she has told me she does not want to be a smoker, even though she has smoked for about 30 years. For the first time, she has really quit, yet throughout her struggles, I am finding myself a raging controlling discompassionate nag. She quit over 9 months ago, before we got serious, and that is a good thing for me because I am committed to not being involved with a smoker. Lately, she is battling with cravings, some of which she gives into. I am going crazy. Losing sleep, stomach pains, pretty much dysfunctional worrying about her smoking.
Yes, I have a therapist, and yes, I do realize that this is bigger than the smoking...
When I am around her, I am smelling her breath when I kiss her only to check on whether she smoked, as if I were checking on the lying, deceptive alcoholic or addict (both of which my former husband was). I peer out the window to see if she's sneaking a drag from someone else's cigarette. I can't breathe. When she tells me she's going out with her friends, I get bitchy because I know they all smoke, and she will be tempted. I am having trouble "allowing" her to live her life. Did I just say that????
It seems that I can't shake the cycle of control and obsession. It is making me physically sick. I need to understand, viscerally that I am powerless over her choices, whatever they are.
I haven't ever worked the steps, I don't have a sponsor, and at the meetings, I am an avid listener, and seem to learn a lot. Have been going for almost a year.
But today, I am at a critical point of excruciating pain with regard to my worries about her smoking. Any suggestions? I am at a breaking point. Thank you so much for reading this.
I find your post bewildering , she drinks and smokes pot and thats ok with you but smoking a cigarette drives you to the brink . hmm . As u may have guessed I am a smoker (would love to quit ) but so far not so good , anyway -- If the lady makes u happy yu may find it helpful to read all you can on Live and Let Live in our literature.
I over look alot of my husb character defects as he does mine. How Important is It anyway. As my sponsor said to me one day "you have to learn to over look other peoples defects" I said why should i do that? well she said u certainly expect them to overlook yours!!! Hate to admit it but she has a point . Obsessing over something you cannot change is a waste of your life. Let go and let God. good luck Louise
thank you for taking the time to reply. I am bothered by nonsensical nature of my post as well. (cigarette smoking tips me over, while the infrequent smoking of pot is ok...I hear ya).. But the truth is, that's the truth. Her smoking cigarettes makes me crazy. I'm sure it's way deeper than that. But still.....
The point of my whole "trauma" is exactly what you suggested. I need to simply let go. The problem is, I don't know how to. The tapes are very loud and persistent. I'm on the brink of something new, I think. Posting this and reading the replies of you and Debilyn have helped me immensly.
I had to chuckle when I read your post. I so related to part of it. My "A" is an addict. His drug of choice is pot, then meth, then alcohol. So when you mentioned that you were okay with her smoking pot everyonce in a while I felt myself begin to lock up. Hehe then the healthy girl who lives in my head spoke up and told the sicko who still resides in me to shutup. (I have real issues with pot, since it his drug of choice it has sometimes felt like he was having an affair with another woman when he is smoking it.)
Anyway------
Since you attend alanon I would think you have heard the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. This has helped me with all addictions with my "A". Oh, he is also a smoker, and is trying to quit as well. From time to time I mention concerns for his health when it comes to smoking, but really he has heard it all before. What I have done is made a boundary that I will not pay for his cigs any more, I will not go get them for him anymore. So that means sometimes he has to walk to the store to go get them when he wants to give in to his cravings. When he goes out, and come home he has to go brush his teeth and gargle with listerine before I will kiss him. He admits to how nasty it must be to kiss a smoker. I don't have to sniff him, and when he does smoke and comes home and brushes his teeth before we kiss, nothing is said. He knows that I know, and I can't stop it anyway. I have to ask myself, is it worth the fight? No, it really isn't.
I would suggest that you find a sponsor and start working the steps. Keep going to meetings, and you are more than welcome to post here. The tools of alanon are yours for the taking.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Thanks for your reply, and for sharing part of your story. I know much of what I say is backwards about the pot being ok, and the cigarettes not. Maybe I'll be re evaluating that soon, but for now, it's really ok since she does it so infrequently.
(let's just most on from the pot discussion because I am not making sense when we talk about that because smoking seems to scare me more than pot -- mom had lung cancer, and my best friend recently died of emphesema from smoking)
My question for you is.....why isn't it worth the fight? About the smoking I mean. Why does one have to look beyond this behavior when it is hurting the person we love. I have trouble dealing and being compassionate with her when I see her taking actions that are proven to kill her . I get angry panicked, fed up and want to run. I swear, this cigarette problem may as well be heroin, I'm treating it the same way, there doesn't seem to be a difference in my head.
How does one person live with another who has a different view on/appreciation for life. I am a health nut, I guess, and simply can't understand sucking on those things daily..in the face of the risks. But, I love this person, and I want to figure out how to work this out. I respect the boundaries you have set for A. I have told her I am not comfortable with her smoking around me. But it doesn't end there. Then, when she doesn't, I wonder, and worry, and try to figure out how many she has had. It may be better for her to just smoke in front of me so I know what is going on. But then......It's nuts, crazy making.
The subject of this posting still rings true, I just can't stop obsessing! I really feel unable to control my own emotions, no less her actions. I think it's really time to think of those 3 C's and start doing some practical work, like steps, I guess. any suggestions about what to do?
I really feel unable to control my own emotions, no less her actions. I think it's really time to think of those 3 C's and start doing some practical work, like steps, I guess. any suggestions about what to do?