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i don't mind being alone. i actually enjoy it. but the loneliness is starting to get to me. not all the time. i am using my f2f and friends to talk about life and to get hugs. but i am missing the real intimacy. i'm not sure if it's part of missing my ah (who i think was served divorce papers yesterday) or if it's just another human touch. i know i don't want a relationship right now. i have work to do on myself before i can begin to put myself out there again. but do i have to be totally alone while i do this work? honestly, my body hurts from lack of touch. my neck and shoulders, my head, my back. i have had some offers for dates, for phone calls. but i am not interested. nice guys, in both programs which i know does not mean they are healthy. the last guy i was involved with fell in love with me, we had 3 kids and now he's gone. so how do i not repeat that pattern? i don't want drama. i want friendship and love. i'm becomming impatient. i left my husband 6 months ago. he "left" me long before that. so it's been a really long time since i have felt anything on an adult level. i have the kids and their love sustains me but it is in no way the same. any esh anyone been at this point before?
My sponsor suggested that I write a list of what keeps me with the A. One of them is fear of loneliness. I know when I met him I was tremendously lonely, achingly lonely. I jumped in very quickly. I always jump in quickly. If I don't I feel tremendously uncomfortable.
I know how it is to run from one relationship to the next. Or I go into what I call anorexia where I totally isolate from all human contact. For years I had virtually no contact besides work. I was a recluse. I don't want that again either.
For me its important to get to what do I need out of a relationship, stability partnership, make a list. Stick to that list. I am getting there on the work front. There are jobs I don't take anymore. Now there have to be relationships I don't take anymore too. I am not there yet but I know I want to be ...and I know I deserve more rather than less.
I'm not sure if I have any wisdom to give here-I'm so new, but I know what you mean about lonliness. I feel the most lonely when my AH is with me. I long for intimacy, partnership, mutual discussion...all that.
What helps for me is to focus on doing something for myself. I pull out my self-help cd's, read a book or go do something that I don't get to do because my AH doesn't like it. Like go swimming or play volleyball or go for a walk in the park, by the river, or go for a drive to the lake. Water seems to be soothing to me, so even taking a shower can help sometimes.
A few years ago I was very very very judgemental of women who cheated on their husbands. How could they.... and other thoughts.
Well, then in August of 2004 the night before our anniversary, my hubby was arressted. He was shooting up in the streets and was caught. He ended up being gone from mid-August to mid-December of '04. I when he was in the county jail I saw him once a week. Then he was taken to a 90 day inpatient program way far up north. He was able to call me, and we wrote letters, but I missed him terribly.
I think it was aroung November when I was just hit with this ache to be touched. I hadn't been touched by him since the beginning of August. (I have a strict if you are drunk and/or high, don't touch me policy. In a way, this may sound strange, I felt like I was cheating on my hubby if I was intimate with him while he was drunk/high.) we have three kids, and i went to meetings, and received lots of hugs from some close friends, but it wasn't the same. I began to understand why some women do cross that line and cheat. I had never felt that kind of ache before, the longing to be held was so overwhelming.
I wrote about it, to myself. I talked with other people in similar situations, by people I mean women. I focused on me. The ache was still there, but I kept myself busy.
My hubby and I were not in the same situation as you are, so I hope some of this helps.
Around the time hunny went to jail I was introduced through work to a man who had several years of recovery. And I developed a slight crush on the guy. He was quite a bit older than me, and was really sweet. I realized off the bat that it really wasn't him, but his recovery and he was the sweetest. So here he was talking to me nicely (never inappropriately, he was just kind) and that scared me. I made sure that I was never alone with him at work (only place I saw him), ever.
Nothing inappropriate ever came close to happening. But I had asked myself, could I live with me if I ever crossed that line. And quickly answered myself with a big loud no. I love my hubby and I felt guilty enough over the attraction to the other guy.
Sorry, in a very very long way I was trying to say I can relate to the lonliness. I worked on accepting the fact that I was powerless over it.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Wow..it had happened to me about 8 yrs ago.I am with yet another A(go figure) but seperating with the other one brought the same lonliness that you speak of...and I got over it miraculously.
My A that I had been with from 91 to 98 had continued on a poisonous sick path in his addiction. I was as well, but after so many affairs,lies,staying out, mutual verbal abuse..I called it quits and asked for him to leave. Never mind the financial difficulty...night after night would find me staring out the window and wondering if I had made the most horrible mistake. I didn't have that occasional rub on my shoulder,the laughter we did share was replaced by weeping or constant angst. I thought I would go out of my mind since my long term 'buddy' was now gone.He and I had been each other's main source of support (sick as it was) and it was similiar to going through a death. I would wonder if he would miss me as well.That thought was quickly put to rest as I found out he got married within 3 months of leaving. I prayed. I just took the quiet times to cry...compose myself..put my hands together and pray.If I didn't pray I would write in a journal.ANYTHING to divert my mind off of the lonliness. It took me a good month to appreciate the calm that accompanied his absence;my goodness..what a blassing.No one was grumbling about my bad housekeeping skills, how lazy I was...there was no tiptoeing around a wretched attitude or a warlike fight breaking out at the drop of a hat. I could finally appreciate my peace. I would actually speak out loud.I would ask myself would I trade the physical interactions(as meaningless and drink fueled as they had become) for all of the negativity of the disease? No,no..I had to say no.
I eventually got through it. A year later I had a couple of jobs, had worked on my own substance problem..and emerged a brand new woman so to speak.I felt unencumbered by ANYone and in the years to come I had learned to stand up for myself and stick to what I found appropriate in my life-not anyone else's idea of what I had to put up with.I went from miserable,lonely and doubting my moves to dissolve my dependant relationship to standing on my own feet and feeling liberated. It turned out to be a joyous,calm after a long storm.crazy enough it was also a period(six years) of calm BEFORE yet another storm which I am trying my best to weather NOW. But you know what? I may have landed with another A,he's not the same man.I am not the same woman. There's no way on this earth that I could have continued to live with the other AS in my life..and this time I fortunately had enough time to establish a relationship with myself that doesn't cry for another to complete or comfort me. I just need some more education and my foundation of self sustaining esteem had a good run of cementing itself//makes the bumpy times now seem more bearable.
It's so true...they DO leave you before they physically leave. I believe a great many of us women and men can testify to that sad fact. You just keep doing the right thing and reaching out to us..for we keep each other validated and supported..you'll get the strength(little by little) to get through those lonely nights.Take good care.Sorry so long.
I can also relate to you but honestly I was alot lonliner married than I am divorced.i do isolate sometimes just dont want to bother or be rejected .I know all I gotta to do is keep working on me one step at a time .
and other thoughts.