The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
-------Just some thoughts if you have some to add, please feel free to do so.
I have been a member of this board for a while, and throughout that time I have heard several people coment on lack of replies to their posts. And that got me to thinking about what makes me respond to posts. So here are my thoughts.
If someone is asking for esh, then I make a point to reply. I know when I am asking for esh I know how badly I need the esh, so I respond. I do the best I can and if I don't have any esh, then I offer hugs, support and prayers.
If it is a newcomer, I normally respond, I want to give back what I have been given. I remember what it is like to be the new one in so much pain.
Sometimes I read a post, and then may want sometime to respond to it. To really think through it and put some thought into the response.
And there are times when I skip a post because I can't handle the way it is written. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the post or the person who wrote it (Layout and font style are what I am talking about), but there have been times that I have read the post over and over again and for some reason can't remember what I am reading. I get frustrated and then what good am I doing anyone?
There have been many a post I have posted that I have not recieved replies for, and that is just fine with me. Sometimes I am just posting thoughts from my own head to get them out of my head , sometimes I am wondering if some is going through or has gone through the same thing as I am, or maybe I had a funny to share with you, And sometimes I am hurting and need ESH, and then I ask for it. Because, if I come here expecting something, then I need to let you all know what I am needing. I try to not ahve any expectations on my posts.
Expectations are premeditated resentments. And trust me I have enough resentments to work through. When I feel myself getting resentful I have started examining my motives for doing the things that I do. If I was expecting something, why was I expecting it? Was the expectation resonable.
One other thing to keep in mind is that just as we do in chat, we have many guests here who are just checking the site out. And when the read a post it shows that, but unless the are a registered member, they can not reply.
I am not trying to hurt anyone with this, it is just we all have faced some sort of ignoring or rejection in our past, and the lack of replies is not really ignoring or rejection.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy (Dolphin123)
Edited because I forgot to sign it
-- Edited by Dolphin123 at 19:15, 2006-07-14
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Great post!!!!!!!!! You're right I will often read a post and not respond to it. When I post I love to read the replys and I'm sure that others do too. Thanks for the reminder, and I will try to follow your lead. If I don't have any ES&H for the person I will just try and offer support.
Yes I was one of those people who wanted to know why no one reponded.Yes I am aware that I do have rejection issues and yes it not in my best interest to have expectations so that i will work on it. Yes there are times I just post for my recovery and dont want feed back but other times I do even it is i read it lol well i will keep comeing back.
The other comments I am also aware I dont really have the grammar skills and the spelling I have about a 8th grade education.I do reread it and try to use spell check but what is with spell check they give you all these choices which one is right dont they get it I cant spell.
So thanks for your insight and bringing it to the table..
Sure makes a lot of sense. Sometimes I just feel too new to have anything useful to say. Sometimes the post is too painful. Sometimes I just offer a hug or a good for you. Just do what I can.
I don't hin I have ever posted without having a single response even when it is just about my excitement over the world cup. GO ITALIA!!
Still have toeas and fingers crossed for your tranny, lemme know how it goes, the toes are starting to cramp.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
What a good question. I really can't pinpoint what makes me respond to some posts and not to others. Like you, I feel compelled to try and respond to newbies, because I don't want them to feel unwelcomed. Other times, it's because I feel like I can genuinely contribute. There are times when I don't respond because I feel that the topic for me is tricky, or I have no experience, or I just have no clue on how to respond. I certainly don't respond to all the posts I'd like too, because frankly I just don't have the time. I wish that I could. Thanks for making me think.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I've thought about this before too. for me there are times in my life that i am better able to respond in what I consider postive ways, sometimes especially lately my frame of mind has not been as balanced as i would like it to be. In other cases some situations I am more emotionally available for because they are closer to my own. I try to read all the posts and walk away with something from each of them, needing time to think about where they lead my thoughts. Not responding does not mean not caring, some of the posts i do not respond to are the ones that make me feel the most. I keep this in mind too when i post someting that does not seem to spark anyone's interest.
- sometimes I really do have nothing to say - sometimes I find that my comments are negative, or could be taken that way, and would rather not respond at all than do so unhelpfully. - I will often check a thread that I have responded to previously, just to see if anyone has commented on MY comments (in case I need to clarify, or whatever) If there is nothing new, obviously I have already said what I have to say, so won't say anything more - If someone else has already said the same thing I meant to, I won't bother repeating. - I don't have time - often I will just come on and read, and only have a minute. I may need to think aobut what to say before saying anything, and sometimes I forget and never get back to it.
I try to make a point of responding to a newbie, if there are no responses yet. Otherwise, I usually only say something if I have something to say.
I agree that this is in some ways a recovery issue. Three years ago, when I first started an online job that I have, and was very new to alanon, the person who was supposed to be training me for the job didn't get back to me for a week. I was panicking, thinking that they had changed their minds, didn't want me anymore, whatever... Of course, it was nothing of the sort, she was just busy and hadn't been online for a few days. She got back to a series of frenzied notes from me - "What have I done wrong, I'm so sorry. blah blah...." Part of my recovery is to try to not let that panic take me over anymore - just because I *feel* that there is a crisis does not mean that there really is one.
The reason I couldn't respond to, or even read as many posts as I'd have liked to, is that my A wouldn't understand my need to be here. We were together nearly 24/7 until the last few months. He would want to know why I was still coming here when he hasn't drank for a long time?
When he heard me typing on the computor, he usually 'casually' came to see me (look over my shoulder). Well, tonight, he isn't here, and I am praying for the strength to not let him come back.
He was very controlling, and I let it happen. I have no-one to blame but myself. I gave up every one of my friends, because there was always something he didn't like about each of them. This board has been my only outlet, and the only friends I have any contact with.
I am praying that I will have the strength to 'find myself' , and to love that person, without my addiction-him.
Now I need to find a new job, and a new life on my own. Right now, I pray I will find happiness with myself instead of looking for it in others.
Sorry, I got way off topic! Anyway.. that is one reason I didn't respond to so many that I would have liked to. Another, is that I didn't feel qualified, as I hadn't been in such and such a position.
Thank-you, all of you for sharing your lives with me, Love always, TLC
I had noticed how you often lovingly responded to many posts and sometimes it is just "I don't really have any ESH to share on this topic but just wanted to offer hugs and support" or something along those lines.
I took it as a wonderful example to me on how to respond when I don't know what to say, and want to let the person know I care.
For me, I only respond when I truly have ESH to share, can relate to the situation, or it touches me strongly somehow.
I hesitate MANY times and have deleted more than half of my intentioned posts because as I re-read it it sounded too negative or angry or bitter. Sometimes the relating we do is relating to pain and anger and I don't think that is helpful. I delete my post and let others answer who have moved beyond the pain and anger enough to be more positive and helpful.
Also, I am sorry to say that I have gotten several "critiques" of my replies and they were not positive. So, when I write a response I many times just delete it thinking that I will just attract the wrong person's attention and they will feel the need to attack me in PM. Once I got an email "threatening" me with "forwarding it to John" and that I might be hearing from him about it...SIGH!
No one else had anything negative to say about this post. In fact I got lots of positive feedback about it so it could not have been that bad. Even though this person felt the need to "tattle" to John about it and to try and intimidate me for posting my feelings, no one has removed it, not even John when he was tattled to, so it could not have been so horrible.
Even though I am wary of the "posting police" who want to critique my every thought and response and judge it as unnacceptable like my A husband does, when a post really touches my heart and I feel moved with compassion and understanding to respond I take a chance and do.
I have thought about taking the "safe" way out of this problem and just offer hugs and support when I have ESH to share, but that feels like a cop out to me, so if I read it and see ANYTHING that may bring down the wrath of the "posting police" on my head, I just delete it.
But, I have learned a lot from you Dolphin, about even when I have nothing to share or add, that a simple "I am feeling for you and offer you hugs, prayers, and support" can go a long way just to let someone know you are thinking of them in their pain.
It always means so much to me when you write that to me, so I will try and do that for others when I DO feel that way, but have nothing else to say or add as I have no ESH on that particular subject.
Thanks for your kind words, thoughts, and generous sharing of your concern and prayers for others.
Excellent question! I have been reading the posts here forever and almost never respond to any. Since the overwhelming number of people who post are partners of alcoholics, I mostly feel I don't have anything to illuminate their situations. I grew up in an alcoholic family with an alcoholic father. I deeply empathize with the alanoner's but I think the other partners who post and respond here can respond most appropriately to another's concern's. I have learned a lot here and on the AA board and continue to read for my increased understanding and growth. I am deeply affected by many posts and am grateful to be allowed to share in the board. I also have a concern that I will be too negative in what I say without intending to be and I don't want to come across that way. The people who post often since I came to this forum such as Diva, Dolphin, Debilyn and Isabel and numerous others say what I could never think of and say it well. Many, many thanks to all of you. I only wish my mother had the benefit of what you all have to say. You are strong and courageous. So was my mother but she never had the benefit of alanon and the support of others such as yourselves. Please don't ever think you are not all assisting me and probably others tremendously.
, sometimes I am wondering if some is going through or has gone through the same thing as I am, or maybe I had a funny to share with you, And sometimes I am hurting and need ESH, and then I ask for it. Because, if I come here expecting something, then I need to let you all know what I am needing. I try to not ahve any expectations on my posts. 
