The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife was trying to start something last night, but instead paid me a compliment by accident. She said "...you are different and its weird. I just want my husband back."
Obviously she was implying I was turning into a freak, but it acturally made me feel good that at "least" I am not doing the same old combative routine. I have let her argue with herself several time this past week.
Matter of fact I watched a whole Seinfeld episode while she was going at it one night. I was half listening in case there was something rational I should address. I have a real problem with trying to help her see how invalid her rantings are. First of all that is not my place, I am not her social worker, and with my best intentions of helping her see things are "not so bad" all she really hears is "he thinks I am an idiot". I really don't want her to think that either.
Even though I still have issues and I still do the wrong thing, I guess it is nice to discover that I am doing the right thing enough that it's noticable. LOL
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
How great to find something postive in the rantings of an unheathy person. (No disrespect meant to your AW, Just speaking from experience in dealing with my AH prior to recovery)
It is nice to hear our Al-Anon friends, or our biological family tell us about the changes, but for our spouses to see the changes - to me that is the greatest compliment we can receive.
My AH & I had a discussion this morning. Even though, he is in recovery, sometimes he will still try those old methods of manipulation and deflection. But thankfully, I would not pick up that rope, I stayed on target with the issue at hand and we dealt with the problem. Not sure if it will be resolved but at least I was able to verbalize my feelings and concerns. What he does with it, is now in "his garden"
Thanks for sharing,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
This made me think back to when my hubby was fearful of me "not caring" anymore because of my changed behavior - refusing to argue with him, ignoring his rants, going on about my own business calmly. It took him a while to see that I did still care, I just wasn't going to keep on enabling all those old unhealthy communication behaviors. I would reassure him that I loved him, but I also love myself and deserve some respect, just as he deserves the same. And ya know what? He came to respect me much more for growing a backbone and sticking up for myself. We have a running joke now about how I'll never divorce him cause its my job to make the rest of his life miserable...hahaha. (The man does have a good sense of humor.)
It is still sometime hard to detach with love when he gets into one of his drunken rants. Thank goodness those aren't often anymore. I find if I allow those feelings of utter disgust at him for his behavior to roam in my mind, then my own program (and serenity) slips. If instead I remind myself that he is acting this way due to the disease, his sickness, if I picture that bandaid on his forehead, then I am reminded that it is not him but the disease talking and my compassion kicks in and detaching with love is then easier. Not reacting is easier. I know come the morning he is going to feel bad enough all on his own. I certainly don't need to say or do anything to compound his guilt, to make him feel any worse or hopeless. It simply is a horrible disease that he is caught up in right now.
My being happy once again, laughing a lot, smiling... these things make him feel good. We do more things together, we communicate better, we have a lot of non-drinking good times now. He's not picking up a drink because "she's crying again". (Not saying I'm the reason he drank, he drinks cause he's an alcoholic period. But my behavior can and did contribute to the disease, both his and mine.)
So yeah, he certainly has seen a change in me. He likes it. Matter of fact, when I'm "slipping" he often will say "you need a meeting!" LOL That always cracks me up.
This program is great!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Just think of how much growth you have actually made to have a active alcoholic notice the difference!
Anyway-
One of my favorite sotries is right after I bought The Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage I left it out, I don't hide my literature. And one day must have left it in the bathroom. While he was in there he read a little bit of it. That night or the next night we were having a discussion, and I said something, and he said, hey you got it that out of that book you are reading!. LOL he noticed the tools being used.
My "A" can see the growth and I know I am working my program when he sees it.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
There was a time that I would call my A son's cell phone several times a day. Mostly to see if he was drinking that day. After beginning Alanon I was able to let go of that some.
One Sunday morning when I left church and was shopping, my cell phone rang. It was A son. His words to me were "hey...I feel like there is a little role reversible here. When I don't hear from you for awhile, I start to get a little worried".
So...yes...I would say that the A does notice the changes.
My A has noticed...and quit drinking in response. I sure hope it holds! He has 13 years sober, then fell off three years ago. Has tried to quit 10 times since but this time has assembled every support possible... ie, medical doctor, a psychotherapist,Rx for antabuse, and AA!!! And this is a heck of an investment, considering he has no health insurance. It's looking good. The dramatic changes I made since hanging around Al-Anon for the last 7 weeks have been pivotal for both of us.
It's wonderful that your A has noticed those changes in you. Mine has noticed very small changes in me, as well, and I find it empowering. (Is that being selfish or boastful??)
I no longer sit with him while he drinks himself into oblivion. I no longer play 'bartender' and refill his glass or whiskey or can of beer. He didn't like it at first, but once he realized I was adamant about it, he started doing for himself. I stupidly thought that if he had to replenish his own drinks, he'd drink less, if only from sheer laziness!
I have also found that distancing myself from him when he's feeling obnoxious and looking to start a disagreement is a way of retaining a bit of sanity. I can see he is perplexed by these changes in me and I have to sneak a small smile when he mentions it.
At the same time, he's realizing that until and unless he makes a commitment to help himself, I won't willingly help him in his self-destruction. No, it hasn't had a positive effect on his drinking; that hasn't changed, but I can absolutely feel the tangible difference in my state of mind and I am grateful for that.
OH Yeah they see a change , what she really means is she wants the old you back because she knows how to fungtion in the old relationship and dosent have a clue what to do with the new you . Alcohlics don't lke change at all , the rules change what used to work for them dosent . its just that simple. Even if changes are positive such aswe learn here it is a threat to them . and thats too bad but it really is thier problem.
Keep doing what your doing and if u wonder whats going on go to July `14th in our ODAT it is a map to what is and whats going to come. been there done that. goodluck Louise
I guess everyone responds differently. Since I detached from my AW's drinking, she thinks she died and went to heaven. No more of my harping, arguing, cajoling, reasoning, fighting, threatening, etc. I just let her do what she wants to do and don't comment on it. When she gets to the point where she does not make any sense or is being stupid I just pretty much ignore it and let her ramble on. Why wouldn't an A be happy about their partner not harrassing them anymore? Anyway, you seem to be doing great. Best wishes,
I think my A seeing a change in me is an understatement. With all the stuff happening in the last few days and looking back at how I would have responded last year to this stuff I am amazed. He hasn't said anything about it, I don't think he can think too much past his own nose to really consider it but I am sure it is in there somewhere. Most important is the change I see LOL
I am going to continue to keep workin IT. Work the Steps into my every day. Work the program into my every crosspath. This kind of *NOTICE* that I am Different, that it is showing in my actions, my reactions, that it shows and that it is effecting the all around me (of me) my own healthy changing ... is only to help me, guide me and as I work it.... let it become "me" each day. I like how I feel. I feel alive. I like that I can detach with love and still feel that I am in control of my life....of my love for my AH. I love my AH. I hate the alcohol. I do not have to, and I do not anymore, help to fill his half empty/ half full glass. Unless its a glass of iced tea then I dont mind. LOL. I do not have to sit with him while / when he drinks. I do not have to be sure he comes to bed, nor do I have to put him to bed (never had to do that either... something else that I am thankful for.) I do not have to nor will I make excuses to my self or to others for his times of bad behaviour. Its recognized more quickly now... for what it is. That is the time I do what is necessary to detach. Detach with love. And I do. (Even when he is not drinking the sarcasm and the controlling behaviour of the ism seems to come through....) Sadly at times I do wish it was different. ......... But clearly and with my HP/God at my side and serenity within me I can be happy. I can accept my life is going to be different than what I thought it would be... in the way that I choose. That is that I can move forward. I can still love my husband. I have to let go of him.. and I have..... when it comes to his ideas of what is ok for him. I have to and I want to take care of me.( First. ) I can just listen. I do not have to respond. It is easier to focus on something else that is pleasant. Read my book/s or take the dogs for a walk.... just be with me. I can take a walk outside and I can go on and do some gardening (bigsmile.) I have always wanted to be loving and understanding when it comes to my spouse... my family. I pray you will continue to find that *peace within., and ..... continue to work the steps that help you to detach with love. Keep Looking uP!
......... But clearly and with my HP/God at my side and serenity within me I can be happy. 
I can accept my life is going to be different than what I thought it would be... in the way that I choose. That is that I can move forward. I can still love my husband. I have to let go of him.. and I have..... when it comes to his ideas of what is ok for him. I have to and I want to take care of me.( First. ) I can just listen. I do not have to respond. 
It is easier to focus on something else that is pleasant. Read my book/s or take the dogs for a walk.... just be with me. I can take a walk outside and I can go on and do some gardening (bigsmile.) I have always wanted to be loving and understanding when it comes to my spouse... my family. I pray you will continue to find that *peace within., and ..... continue to work the steps that help you to detach with love. 
Keep Looking uP!