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I haven't posted for awhile; things were calmer since our last blow-up about a month ago. I'm sure the blow-up would've been two weeks ago, but A was able to go out and drink himself stupid with his relatives because of a wedding so I told him to go ahead and stay out as long as he wanted. There was no blow-up because I was asleep by the time he stumbled in.
The tension is building again and I've noticed the cycle starting. A mini blow-up happened last night. I'm not sure if this qualifies the big one to turn the cycle the other way. Probably not; he'll probably go out and get drunk tonight because of course I "pushed him into a corner" like I always do.
Here's the story: my son and I came home from a camp event last night. Of course AH didn't go because he knew there would be no beer there so it's not worth his time. When I get home, AH is talking to the neighbors: one woman in her late sixties or early fifties and the other one who used to live there but moved out and only came back to get her stuff. AH was pleasant, charming, smiling and so wonderful. All of them were drinking beer and having such a great time. I came home and talked to everyone for a little bit. I know my annoyance at this wasn't showing because I'm too tired to be annoyed by this kind of thing.
Anyway, everyone left, AH comes into the house where I was getting something for my son to eat. AH turned into instant jerk the minute he set foot in the house. Then he started nit-picking at my son about how he was eating. We are in our own home and if he wants to stick a little treat into the hamster's cage I could care less. Then AH goes on and on about how he is trying to teach my son etiquette. Taking lessons on etiquette from him is like taking counseling advice from Charles Manson! My AH does not have etiquette, but he can sure put on a wonderful show for everyone around us when we are in public. He's the biggest fake there is. I told my son to go ahead and give the hamster a treat. My AH yelled at him not to. AH tells me that I don't back him. I told him I will back him on the real stuff, but not on piddly little crap. Our neighbors, some of our friends, etc. all think AH is so perfect and charming and if only he could get away from bitchy women like me and his ex-wife, he could be happy. It makes me sick. He is damn good at making people believe he is a victim all the time. I even believed that at first!
Thank you so much for letting me vent. Any words of wisdom are very much appreciated!
Lindy: I think its one thing to have detachment and another to live it with an A. I used to live in such stress trying to make everything "right". These days I know it is not "right' and I am not repsonsible for all of it. So I live with it not being right.
I also do not listen when the A starts on his over control perfectionism stuff. I tune out. I think that has been helpful to me because I used to take it all personally before. I also do not over contibute because the A doesn't contribute. I am no longer trying to make the house look like House and Garden and trying to be perfect in order to prove it isn't me. I am someone with faults I am working on them. One thing I don't need of course is to contribute where the A leaves off. I no longer beat myself to pulp. I'm doing the best I can and thats good enough.
Have you thought about setting boundaries with your A about discipline for your son. Maybe there could be some guidelines. Of course, as always, it is usually better to discuss these issues when alcohol and emotions are not involved, at a calm moment. Maybe you both could agree on ground rules for discipline. Then when these things come up, you have guidelines to say "is that in line with our boundaries?" It seems like that keeps the kids from becoming pawns in the arguments. It sounds like that disagreements aren't really about your son's behavior, as it is more about control - or at least it was in my household.
When we set rules and guidelines at a calmer time, then it was easier to adhere to those - even when circumstances were not the best.
Just my experience, strength and hope,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
