The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Let me say first of all I am sorry i have not been able to contribute to the board as I would like to. There is not enough time in the day lately to work, finish house, talk to creditors, meditate, find strength to tune out my A and everything that goes along with it. And I have had the feeling lately with being in the thick of the A's drama and chaos that I may not have the best words for anyone to read right now. And thank you all for your support and sharing with me when I post.
I do not have a sponsor to talk about this with and am unsure of where to start looking for help if that is what I choose to do. I do have friends involved in various AA, Alanon, ACOA programs who would listen and give me f2f ESH and maybe help me find my way of what is acceptable to me, there are so many people on here that I value their experience that I am looking for all the information I can find.
My A has spoken of killing himself in general terms a few times in the past months. Of course this was upsetting to me, unsure of it being a manipulation or not I chose to continue watching his actions. Last night he was extremely drunk, told me of his plans with his best childhood friend to kill themselves together on a specific day (would not tell me when) so that both of them could quit hurting the people they loved. He mentioned he may even take his brother with him when the time comes. his words were he is ready to be done, his body is falling apart, bowels are messed up, shakes until he drinks in AM, I'm sure there is more I have no clue about. No mention of wanting to quit drinking/using just wanting to die, leaving me provided for and not be in pain anymore.
I was calm, tears rolling down my face. Had presence of mind enough to ask if he would be willing to trust me enough to sign power of attorney papers (answered yes). I wrote out a simple statement on a piece of scratch paper, saying this was to provide proof of his telling me he intended to kill himself and giving me emotional and legal permission to do what I felt was needed to stop him from doing it. He signed it last night while drunk and I asked him to sign it again this morning when he was more coherent also.
Now my dilemna .... obviously this should not be ignored. Considering he has not made a move towards helping himself (ex attending meetings, calling any number of people who could help, making an effort towards gettnig help himself) is it my place at this point to do it? Is givingme emotional and legal permission enough? Or does he really need to as he has said "be crawling on his knees into the door of a treatment or mental health center"? Is admitting this a way of crawling on his knees? If I make the calls, and he fools them into believing he is OK and I am crazy ... how will I feel? If I don't and he does it how will I feel? What is my responsibility here? Where would you all be willing to go in this situation? I'm feeling a little paralyzed by this decision of which turn to take and need a kickstart, hoping somebody can help me out here.
Since my AW is so deep in the disease right now this really hit home for me. She said something the other day that sounded like she was planning something to. When I asked her for details she got mad and said I had totally misunderstood her.
But for a second (seemed like hours) I was running through what do I do now. Here is what I came up with for my wife:
This is as close to any mental illness as I have ever seen. If she had continued with anything that sounded like suicide plans I would have called 911. I don't care what she thinks of me for doing it (she goes balistic if I empty the dish washer because I am saying she is not a good wife...), if she were sane she would appreciate the caring and strength it would take, but she's not - she's sick.
If she convinced her folks and our kids that I did that to be ugly to her, then that would be their problem. I would explane it to them, and give it to them to decide. Its what I have done with everything else she has told them I do 'to her to make her drink'.
I can't tell you what you should do, as much as I care, I'm not there and don't know him. But know that you are in my prayers this morning.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I know we are not supposed to give advice. If it was me I would warn the brother and report it to the police. I will pray for you that this all gets resolved soon.
Do whatever it is you need to do. If your husband signed a power of attorney twice for you(once drunk and once sober) that in and of itself is a form of asking for help. People who are suicidal do not necesarrily want to die but they do want the pain to be over. I do not know where you are but in my province that slip of paper stating that he has been thinking of suicide, has a plan and is planning to take others with him would be enough to have him locked in a psyche ward for at least 72 hours.
In the same vein, if you do nothing and something horrible were to happen, that piece of paper also gives the police the right to charge you as an accessory in my province. You are aware of his intentions to harm not only himself but also possibly others.
It is a myth that people who speak forthrightly about suicide do not follow through.
And now, take the best care of you that you can my dear, you are in my thoughts.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Do you have a local suicide hotline that you could call. Maybe they could answer your questions better than we can.
I know if it were me I would call 911 and/or our local mental health facitlity. They have people trained to talk to people in that state of mind. I know my hubby loves his life when he isn't sick and in the disease, and I know my hubby would not want to kill himself, even though the "A" might really want to.
I hope you find the help that you need. I will keep you in my prayers.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I am new here, and I hope I am not crossing the boundaries of giving advice. A couple of years ago, my A son called me to tell me he was killing himself--I panicked, drove to his house, found him with a plastic bag over his head (that he conveniently put there as I drove up and positioned himself in front of a window that I could see into from the front door.) Of course all the doors were locked. He let me go around the mobile home trying every window and door, then gotup and opened the front door. As horrid as the scene was (I can still close my eyes and see him lying there), I knew that it was for my "benefit." But, I left there, not knowing if he was REALLY going to do something when I was gone. I called a supportive friend who gave me this advice: If you think he is in imminent danger of harming himself or someone else, call 911, but don't rush to his side. Otherwise, if it is NOT an emergency, let it go. That has been really hard advice to follow, and he has since tried more than once to drink himself to death, but ultimately, what he does is his choice. He has to choose sobriety, and I have to allow him to make his choices (trust me, I am still working on this--it's why I am here.)
God bless you. Take care of yourself. It helps me to say the serenity prayer (multiple times each day) and to keep reminding myself of the 3 C's (I didn't cause it, I'm not the cure and I can't control it.)
I remember there were times when my hubby said that killing himself would be easier than living this way. Thankfully he never tried it. He did find recovery. However lately some of his friends from his group have choosen the other way out. It is not I hate to say it, uncommon. I am grateful that hubby looks at this as not a way out. It only solidifies his desire to stay sober and live. I pray that your hubby will do the same. Sometime they have really really really hit bottom before they can recover. It literally took hubby in ER dying and coming back before he got it. Hard way to learn. But the chronic relapsing didn't do it. This did.
As for what you should do, I am torn with that. I really don't know. All I can do is say extra prayers for you and your hubby. I have no idea what I would do in that case. I'm thankful HP never put in that place.
Sending you extra prayers.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((HUGS)) How horrible a situation to be in. I was always taught that, no matter how drunk or sober the individual may be, if they are persuing suicide or suicidal thoughts, to call the police. I was taught that, unless I am a professional (and even if I am!) that I am too emotionally involved in the situation and I need to have someone else step in on my behalf and do what is best for the person I love. This may mean taking them to the hospital, putting them in drug rehab, or putting them in jail for the night. But it was emphasized to me that emotionally, I was too involved, and what was being done was, to some extent or another abuse, because ultimately it would get to "If you don't do this I'll kill myself..." or, alternatively, "If you do that, I can't go on...I'll have to do myself in...." And that's not playing fair. That's not fair for me to have to deal with that kind of responsibility and that kind of belief that I am responsible for someone else's decisions--especially if it involves something of the nature of suicide. Honey, this is a big deal. It is so big that professionals yearly take courses on what their professional societies consider the best courses of treatment, action, and so forth on handling patients who are suicidal, have a history of sucide attempts, or are in active disease. It's okay for you to give your alcholic to a professional. It's okay to ask for help.
i'm with Debilyn on this I am not sure you need power of attorney if you are his wife do you?
If you call sucide prevention and reiterate what he said to you and try to get him to talk to them they will take the situaiton out of your hands. They would then call the police and a 51-50 could be called.
Obviously this is a huge burden on you, yet another burden in taking care of someone so self destructive. What are you doing to take care of you? How incredibly difficult to be around somone who is so out there. I've been there of course, I was compulsive about caring for people in their deepest disease.These days I am far more compulsive about me. That doesn't mean I don't care. I do, deeply. I just know my being deeply involved with them doesn't help. That is the nature of their disease, they hold onto it till they literally at their death's door.
The difference for me is that I am not going to death's door with them to show my compassion.
For me personally pacing is everything. If I get to a place of constant unremitting fatigue, I have to rest. I have to say you sound absolutely and completely exhausted. I am not suprized of course because being around someone that destructive must be tremendously difficult. And that is a understatement. Can you take time out for you. You need those time outs to sustain yourself. Take time out, go for a time when you do nothing, eat well, eat out. Distract yourself. If you dread knowing what you are coming home to, don't rush home in an attempt to mitigate it. You have to remember the 3 C's at all times.
I hope you will keep on posting about how you are doing. We do care about you and are rooting for you at this difficult time.
The only way his shakes will stop is with alcohol or with medical intervention(lithium)/hospitalization. Maybe he just wants the way he is now to end. Maybe if he is given the choice of getting sober safely and pain free,he will take it. I was in a similiar situation. I did the research and gave my AH some choices. I had the luxury of him being in the hospital when I talked to him, but he choose inpatient care. Shocked me actually. So you never know.
I am so thankful for this board. I have been with my H for 16 years and things have been great for the most part. Overall he has been a wonderful friend/dad/husband. I have always been aware that he was sexually abused as a child by 2 brothers and was extremely suicidal as a teenager. He only threatened once within that first year and I informed him that I could not live my life like that or raise our children in that environment.
Last year the past came crashing in around him mentally and he had a nervous breakdown. He decided to check himself into the hospital just as I was getting ready to call his Dr. to inquire about having him committed. He hadn't said he was suicidal but as his wife I could just tell. And, he later confirmed my suspiscions. During many hours of counseling we attended together he shared many more details of his past with me. It was so much worse than I had known, and there were so many details that he had left out for my benefit. The most major was the fact that his mother was also one of his abusers. On one hand it was a relief to finally know the source of our most major marital issues. And yet a year later there are so many days I wish I didn't know. I hate her so much and wish she were still alive so I could tell her. She has ruined my marriage from the grave.
I realize now that I took over her "role" in his life and it hurts so much. And now it feels like, after "raising" him for 16 years he is rebelling against me...(like all 16 year old sons do) I have been so strong and supported him the best I could. I feel horrible for him and know that the nightmares, flashbacks, etc are completely out of his control. But I feel so drained and lost at this point. I have spent hours thinking everything through and decided this week that as much as I do not want to abandon him, I desperately need to take care of myself before I have a mental breakdown. I have taken anti-depressants for over a year now and every 2 months I've had to increase the dosage. I can't continue like this. We have 2 children and I fear them loosing their father. We are truly the only "safe" family he has. It's a comfort to know I am not alone in this issue. I talked to him and asked if he loved me enough to let me go so I can take care of myself. He said yes but it makes us both so sad. We do love each other so much and truly wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We have been together since I was 17 and him 19. I just wish I had a magic wand to make his troubles disappear. We've agreed to a very slow separation and eventually divorce. We both desperately need the time to adjust and this gives the kids (12 and 15) more time to adjust also. We are so incredibly lucky to have such bright children. They are so supportive and caring. Last year when things were so messed up, we felt they deserved to know why our family was in such turmoil. We sat them down and explained the situation to them as simply as we could without including the major details.
I know this is long.....I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for being here. And to ask for your prayers for our family.
