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I have been struggeling with this very question for about a year now and my recovery has suffered huge!!! As I took the journey of recovery I began to question myself more and more and actually felt that I did not really belong in alanon at all. I have attended AA meetings and feel very comfortable there and have the utmost respect for thoes who are in recovery. My struggle however only got worse.... All of a sudden my situation with my alcoholic husband kind of faded as I put sooo much attention on myself and my delema... I made a call to a friend just to talk about some of the business side of alanon and it turned in to me biting the bullet and letting her be my sponsore which everyone in our group had expected she would be from pretty much the moment I walked into that groups room... Needless to say after much talk and realization I have finally come to the conclusion that I may not be the the alcoholic that I had thought that I might be..... I was a problem drinker.... my problem was that I need to be in there with my friends and acceptance was a huge thing for me I needed to be the funny one or the one at the center of attention I needed to be my hubby's buddy which is very true... We stared out as buddies and our relationship was based on just that... it grew into much more and as we grew I had kids and I say I because I am the one raising them and he is still out doing all the same things we did before kids. I had to grow up.... you see this is when my resentments grew!!!! I began drinking at home on a daily basis and the party moved to where I had to be... with my other mom friends which was actually just my neighbour.... most of the time...
My dad who is another A in my life told me that my drinking was getting out of conrtoll and I herd him that very day was the last day I drank December 26 2005... no real problems quitting of course at times it was difficult with the caios arround me and being the only sober one but I had stuck to my decision to stay sober...
Many of my family told me that I was not an alcoholic but i did not know for sure I was very confused and I was so torn about my hubby and his addiction his behavior and just how much it affected my children and myself this was a HUGE problem for me that awful poisen was distroying my family.
NOW I understand that with this disease such a huge part of my life going all the way back to childhood and really seeing my eagreness to fit into what I thought was normal and that need of acceptance I joined in head first... I am a problem drinker not an alcoholic now I understand the difference I can honestly say that had I not found alanon in my time of desperation and my dad had kept his mouth shut I was deffinately on the path of destruction.
So needless to say after much!!!! struggle and confusion a weight has been lifted!! All I had to do was open up and really talk and a weight was lifted!!!
I feel free!!! Its amazining!!
I hope that my share helps someone feeling the same as I was.
No, I never questioned my being an "A" or not. I can do without the alcohol and have never touched a drug. But I do know that I could very easily become an "A". My family has the family disease of alcoholism, and I have my own addictions (food, acceptance, and my "A").
My "A" and I have had heart-to-heart talks when he is sober, and he and I are so similar that it is scary. And I have some self hatered issues that he has as well, so I think fear drives me away from substances. Fear of what will happen if I ever picked up anything.
And then there is another side. I am such a huge control freak that I hate that disconected feeling that alcohol can give you. And my "A" says that if I keep that, I will likely never become an "A" becasue that is what he strives for, that disconected feeling.
Some of my closest friends are actually from the other 12 step programs. LOL you have never partied until you party with recovering alcoholics and addicts. Those people know how to have fun! I sometimes feel more comfortable in person with them than I do with my other friends who don't have program.
I think if you like the AA meetings go to them, especially if you get something out of them. I know for me, I get so much from going to AA and NA meetings. The important part is to work on you.
Yours in Recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I can see where the fuzzyness kicks in. I can also see where if things had been different, my AW would be happy as a bird, because we would be drinking together every night. I used to drink on occassions and some of those occassions were pity parties.
I haven't drank more than a beer or 2 a month in several years. But here is the kicker, I do know what it's like to be addicted to something. I smoke almost 2 packs of cigs a day. I know the feeling when I want/need one and can't have it. It is different that the destructive drinking we did as kids. We did horrable things to ourselves by binge drinking. You can imagine a young man in a small town in Texas. What else is there to do, right?
But addiction in my mind is the point where you will fight for your drug of choice. Maybe not openly, but it comes before family and friends and food and just about anything else. You do it because you have to!
I used to travel alot and as airports started banning smoking I had issues. If I had a 30 minute layover somewhere I would spend the whole time cruising through the airport, through security and outside for that one cigarette, then back through security back through the airport... huffing and puffing back to my seat in the plane. The one time I can remember had been a rough trip and I had truly decided if I missed the flight... so what, I really needed a smoke. That's addiction.
I am so grateful I got sick of drinking before I felt that way about it. Wasn't so lucky with the cigarettes. But I am working on that.
Thanks for sharing that, I bet a lot of people do wonder as they learn of the disease.
Take care of you.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hi , good question and yes i have and so have alot of my friends questioned themselves. I think it's because I have so many of the character defects of the disease tht it is confusing some times. I drank too but not enough to bother anyone , 2 drinks and I was either sick or asleep hehe so not much of a problem for me.
If anyone is really concerned about it I suggest they go to the AA womens group in thier area for a few meetings , if they are they will know they are in the right place. Louise
I don't know if you've read some of my recent posts, but I also have struggled with this question. I guess it wasn't as obvious to me as my husband's addiction. I didn't realize that I misused medication my doctor gave me and when I drank...it was for the wrong reasons--to escape. I started in NA to support my husband and ended up becoming a member. Some days I feel like an imposter and although I share many of the same Obsessive/Compulsive thinking and many of the defects, my drug use wasn't what it was for so many people. I have learned that addiction is a disease of the thinking and addicts are addicts no matter what they are addicted to.
There is so much addiction in my family. I have never had a problem with alcohol, although I think I could if it was my drug of choice. I think I could also have a problem with pain medicine. I love the feeling of euphoria I get from it. I was on it for awhile when I had major surgery. There is some of it in my home right now that was prescribed for my husband. He isn't taking it and I have been tempted. I also was addicted to nicotine which I have been able to recover from.
The hard one for me is the "food addiction". OMG...sometimes I have even wished it was alcohol. I am definately an addict. I sneak it...hide it...lie about it and obsess about it. Talk about doing something over and over in your life that only causes you problems...that is what it is for me. That is why I can have so much compassion for my A son. I know how it feels to not want to pick up but are so out of control you just cannot handle the pain of not doing it. Alot of people do not understand this but I feel it is probably the same feeling an A has. It has to be...cause it really controls my life.
I am hoping that when I begin doing the steps in alanon that I will find some relief in that area too. I am also going to join another 12 step program that deals with this issue.
I have never questioned if I am an alcoholic, however I avoid alcohol because I am afraid I may have some dormant gene that will kick in and I might become one.I like the feeling I get from a couple of beers,I gotta say.It's an escape.But as someone else said any more than that and I am either sick or asleep.I tell myself I would probably never become an A,but I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters who are A's and my dad was.Maybe I got more of my mother's genes,she is not an A.I don't know.I'm just afraid to take the chance.
Also, as I said in another post about food addiction, I don't like being out of control either.I think that is why I chose food for an escape rather than drugs or alcohol.
As someone else said, addiction is addiction,whatever the substance.Any of them can kill you or wreck your life.
Its truly a miracle that I just got online and saw your post. I have been struggling with the issue of whether I am a problem drinker or if I have the addiction. I have discussed my drinking with my sponsor and she suggests I attend womens meetings and listen. I have attended some open meetings but not specifically womens meetings and I wasnt comfortable enough to share just yet. My drinking consists of a few times a month, but when I drink I drink quite a few, never as much as the recovering A in my life di , But I know enough about addiction to know its not how much or how often, its what happens to you or how you feel when you drink. Last night I went for appetizers and beer with a friend after work, we planned to only have one or two then go home. We did just that but as I was driving home with a slight buzz, I felt the feeling I didnt want to stop and maybe I could find someone to join me for a few more. I made some calls but no one was available, thank god. HUGE warning sign for me. I went home and its been on my mind since....my drinking. Anyway, glad its been brought up here on this board as I feel many in Al anon have struggled in this same way, I suppose I could be a double winner. I am just not sure yet. I plan to attend an AA meeting tonight, hopefully with a little time, it will be clear one way or another. A huge part of me thinks I am an alcoholic. I may not be like my A, drinking til I lose everything I have, but nevertheless, there is a problem. Its really hard to admit, I dont want to think I am an alcoholic but I feel my HP is working in his way thru awareness. Thanks for letting me share. G
Wow! I could have written you post! My husband and I had so much fun drinking together when we were courting and prior to our child. His drinking progressed and mine didn't. He would try to stop, but it continued to progress. I did all the classic behaviors of a spouse not in al-anon to try to get him to quit...then I gave up, "If you can't beat him, join him". From that point we on both drank nightly for a couple of years. I drank a little, and he drank alot. I never thought I had a problem though, because I didn't think I drank too much (3 glasses of wine/beer/vodka per night, more on weekends, mind you I am 5 feet tall and 110 lbs.). I rarely had a hangover, I worked, and raised my daughter...
Until last year when my ah went to 25 days of rehab. I said I would stop drinking the same day he did. I didn't. I drank the whole time he was gone. I drank when he got back. When he relapsed I was furious (lol). One or both of us would stop for a while then one of us would "cave" and the cycle would start again. Unlike him I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms. I used the three "c"s as an excuse to keep drinking. "I am not causing him to drink, I can't control his drinking, I can't cure his drinking" I resented that I would have to stop drinking for his sake.
I started to wake up at night with anxiety about my own drinking habits. I started to realize that though I am not forcing him to drink, I am not contributing to an atmosphere of sobriety. I am drinking a ton more than is recommended for a woman of my size. I started to realize how my use of alcohol was negatively affecting my life and stopped blaming all of our problems on him. I have since taken ownership of my problems and he has taken ownership of his.
Sometimes I feel like many of us with alcoholic spouses find it hard to answer one of Dr. Phil's favorite questions..."What is my role in this." Sure we didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it, but determining how we enable; when we behave as victims and martyrs; and when we act like control freaks and perfectionists are painful things to confront. For a long time I believed all of the problems in our relationship were his fault because of his drinking. It took a lot of introspection and step work to realize in takes 2 to tango. We are just beginning on this journey of healing, but it is worth every step (no pun intended)!
I can identify with this post and the responses. I do like to have a drink but not to the point of being drunk. I know I am enabling because I will have a drink or two with my AW when we get home from work, especially in the summer when we enjoy the nice weather. I quit after one or two - she normally doesn't. The problem is that we do enjoy each other's company - at least until she has had too much to drink and then I have to detach. I also have the tobacco addiction so I understand the strong desires that drive an addiction. We human beings are strange creatures, are we not?
