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This was not a good weekend in my home. I had my granddaughters. My A son called at 6:00 am to see if they were awake yet....first red flag!!! When he called he sounded like he might be drinking. I did not say anything except that they were still asleep. He called again at 8:00 am to ask again. He was suppose to be there in the am when they woke up. That is what he told them the night before. This time he sounded more drunk. I told him not to come home because it sounds like he is drinking. He called a couple more times and eventually showed up. I could not tell anything by just looking at him. I really could not smell any booze. He sat down on the sofa and his girls were all over him. He started to nod off and told them he needed to take a little nap. They kept trying to wake him to play but he could not wake up. It was so heartbreaking. I totally lost it seeing those little girls not wanting to leave his side. they stayed on the sofa with him until he finally woke up about 2 hours later. He was in such a terrible mood with me when he woke up because I called dil and told her I think they should come home. When he woke up we were getting ready to take them home (a 2 hour drive one way) He told me I was on his s--t list. he was livid. We left! I called and left a message on his cell phone to be gone by the time we got back home. He was! Yesterday he calls and acted like nothing happened. I have to say I know nothing about drugs. I know from this forum that alot of people talk about their A spouses being addicted to crack also. I started to "google" the affects of crack when I decided that I don't really care to find out what he is on! I cannot do anything no matter if it is pain medicine or heroine. It is his problem....and another step toward his bottom. He will not be told when the girls will be visiting us. this way he cannot tell them something he is going to do and then not do it. If need be...I won't let him talk to them while they are there. He cannot keep a promise and they are the ones that get hurt.
Sorry this is so long but in closing I would just like to tell you that dil talked to them last night and explained to them how sick daddy was and that they would probably not be seeing him alot until he gets better. She explained to them that it was not actually sick that you could see but it was in his brain. They are only 5 and 3. she said that her explanation seemed to be enough for them for now.
Should I be getting involved in trying to find out if and what he is doing or should I just leave it all to him?
He may be using drugs, from the way he acted at your home, it sounds like he was coming down from a drug.
You are right, it is another step towards his bottom. And I think letting him walk towards the bottom by himself would be the best for you. The more information you have on how his addiction is progressing, the more painful it will be for you.
My "A" is an addict , and I know what he normally uses so when he acts differently I really don't question him, I ask myself do I really want to know. And when he is clean and sober he always tells me to not ask him something unless I am prepared for the answer.
Keep the focus on you and loving those two precious little girls!.
Yours in Recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Gail, does it really matter what drug he is using? The time you are spending trying to find out, something that you can do absolutely nothing about, is only taking time away from your recovery time.
Your son is right, don't ask a question if your not ready to hear the answer. I figure if I don't know then it doesn't have to drive me nutz.
Detach.....dang that is a hard one when it's our kids isn't it.
Hang in there, one day we will all make it and wake up smiling.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Hello Gail , well done calling daughter in law. Our kids must be protected at all costs . there is really no point in trying to figure out what he is on, he would only lie to you anyway. And to what end just something else to concern yourself with . Just keep up the good work and setting your own boundaries. I hope u are attending al anon meetins for yourself. Louise
I agree with all other posters - no point in knowing what he is doing. Would it change any of your actions if you knew?
As to not letting him know when you have the kids, etc. The main thing here is the girls' safety. I think it is important to walk that fine line between taking care of those children (which is the most important thing) and "punishing" your son, for not being the father you want him to be. If you can take a good hard, honest look at your motives, and keep the children's welfare at the top of the priority list, you will probably do the right thing. There is no point in punishing an addict. They are not bad, they are sick. That does not mean that we don't have the responsibility of taking care of ourselves and our children, and, if necessary, protecting ourselves from the addict. They can be dangerous in many ways, both physically and emotionally, and it is foolish to ignore that. As I have said, keeping the focus on you, keeping your own side of the street clean, is the best insurance that you will do the right thing. in this difficult situation.
The girls are lucky to have you. Protecting children is so important. Your dil did a very good job explaining to them about their daddy.
I remember the last few days when my A was active. He was all over the place. He's an alcoholic and normally passes out when he drinks. The last few days he didn't. Drugs are not his thing. But several weeks later when he landed in the hospital (read back posts for reference) he asked me to check his bank account (we keep separate accounts just so that I can be safe) for "unusual activity". I looked and there was some. Now I have no proof but at the time I told him to leave I had started to wonder. I never asked him. I made the boundary that he couldn't come home until he was sober and back working his program.
He is now nearing his 60 sobriety mark, and I've thought of talking to him about it. But what's the point? If he did he did. It's in the past, and he's on the road to hopefully long term recovery. I tend to agree with the others. Does it matter what he's doing? Hubby always tells me that an addiction is an addiction, no matter if it's in liquid, pill or whatever other form they choose. The only thing I would do, and did before he came home from the hospital was too look for the illegal drugs if there were any. I didn't want them in my house. Amazingly enough I found no empty bottles of vodka! Didn't find any sign of drug use either.
Whatever their rock bottom is, it's not what we think it should be. It's what they see it as.
Keep coming back to us. Glad you're here.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Kairlynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can so relate to that consuming desire to want to know what is the "substance" that is changing the person I love and care about, but even once I knew it didn't make a difference. My AH also struggles with other addictions besides alcohol. I spent 10 1/2 yrs searching every place in our home, garage, vehicles, etc trying to find those substances, sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't - It didn't matter - he always found another place to hide them and it certainly didn't change his drinking or using habits.
Although, we are both in recovery at this time, there are still doubts about certain things. I still have that consuming desire to search to world over to see if those substances are still in our home. But Al-Anon has taught me a better way - my AH loves to fish - I take a quiet moment and get a mental picture of my AH & his HP going on the best fishing trip possible - I pack them a lunch, with fresh sweet ice tea (which is my AH's favorite) and sending them fishing for the day - for me this is detachment with love. If I am not in a good place, if I am detaching with a machette, they don't get to catch any fish that day (lol - just kidding)
I think you are doing a great job taking care of you and your granddaughters - sounds like your dil has a great program going for her also. What a special blessing those two girls have, with both you and your dil, in their corner,
Keep giving your son to his HP -
Thanks for letting me share,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
