Questions - Al-Anon Family Group

sunnymom · Member

Questions

omajoy · Veteran Member

Anytime I read a post from a mom with an A son, my heart just turns over. Most of the posts here are from wives or girlfriends trying to deal with the problems. I find being the mother is just a really really difficult thing. Whereas wives or girlfriends can, if they reach that point, divorce the partner or leave, mothers (read also fathers) cannot divorce their children...not if they are 22, 42, 52, etc. You are always the mother. I have found detaching with love just about impossible. I have found some success at not enabling anymore. Our communications are open but quite often they are tense and stressful to say the least. My son is a weekend drinker. He was recently divorced by his wife, but their baby keeps them connected...sometimes it works and othertimes it doesn't. There is that "punishment" factor going on on both sides. So I fully understand your pain, although from the sound of your post, your son is on the younger side, while mine is older with longer years on him. I am just grateful when we have a good day, but I never judge until the day has ended and I am saying my prayers. Keeping yourself as calm and peaceful as you can is a start toward thinking each step through when you are communicating. Turn it over to your HP works but it takes practice and persistence and faith. Sounds good, but I have frequent relapses. My thoughts are with you. There may be other replies to your post and I think you will find many insightful responses from this site. I know I have.

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))),

My heart too goes out to you. I don't have experience dealing with a child that is an A (and please God I never do ~ one day at a time).

ESH = Experience, Strength and Hope. In fact this morning in the meeting we were sharing about our own ES&H. Ism, in my opinion, is the like the after effects of all the behaviors of what happens to a family when there is a drinker in the family.

One of the things that has helped me alot is attending open AA meetings. Those folks that have talked the talk and walked the walk sure have some good ESH

It is suggested both in AA and Alanon that we not do for others what they can do for themselves.

There are readings on detaching with love in One Day At A Time in Alanon and Courage to Change. They are very helpful. To me, detaching with love means that I don't have to do something if I don't want to and yet can still love the A person.

I am so glad you are here (((((Sunny))))). This program is a gentle one that slowly but surely enters into your life, one day at a time.

Keep coming,
Maria123

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Sunnymom you answered your own question when you wrote,

"I'm not mad, just protecting myself, my other two sons and my husband from the A's behavior.) But I do want to keep the lines of communication open, and I do want him to know that I love him but hate the alcoholism."

While you cannot protect your whole family from son's alcoholism, you've got the right idea. Let him know your love is there, but that you cannot any longer raise him up when he falls. He must pick himself up. When he gets tired of doing that, and reaches his bottom, he will seek the help he needs.

Hence, "detaching with love."

I admit, I have never had to deal with the addiction of a child of mine, and my response must sound over-simplified. I apologize for that. The "detach with love" concept is simple though, really. The trick is in making it work, especially with one of our "babies." And they are always and ever our babies, as long as we live.

I send to you my very best wishes, prayers, and positive energy. Take care of yourself.

Diva

-- Edited by Diva at 12:02, 2006-07-08

afglin · Senior Member

E, S, & H means experience , strength and hope.

I'd love to see a list of the ISMS also...

perfectionism is one.

I am guessing things like paranoia, control, lying, etc. I always think of the isms as what the alcoholic personality traits are with or without the booze until they learn to change themselves.

I'd also love to hear WHAT ARE THE ISMS.

My heart goes out to you with your son. I cant help with that part..I dont have children. BUt I do understand how you feel you need to protect your family.

LIN

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello sunny , es&h is experience strength and hope from seasoned members . isms are what we call defects of character , selfishness , arrogance , the lies all symptoms of this disease. We have a slogan called Let it Begin with Me . You keep the lines of communication open with your son but with boundaries so that u don't go down with him emotionally.

Detaching with love is another story and way to long for me to talk about here . If u email me I will send u a copy of our detachment pamphlet and just do what it says to the best of your ability and u will beging to feel better. abbyal2003@yahoo.ca

mel123 · Senior Member

Hi Sunnymom,

I too feel your pain as a parent of an addict/alcoholic...... I don't know how old your son is, mine was 19 at the time, and like a previous post mentioned, your children will alway be your children, no matter what age or what they've done. You can't divorce them etc. And there is nothing like a parent's heart with their children. We love our children, no matter what.

Each person has their own perspectives and boundaries. I can only share what we did. We decided we couldn't live with the disease, so we had to ask our son to leave the home. It got to the point that we were willing to separate from him.....no relationship until he was ready to talk about his recovery. I guess it was kind of forcing his bottom to some degree, but he knew we meant it......we couldn't continue to see him destroying his life. Plus we have two other kids in the home and this disease was affecting us all. This has been some of the hardest things we ever had to do as parents, but necessary. Thank God, he decided he wanted to get his life back and made the call to get into a Teen Challenge program. The best thing he's ever done for himself. He is 20 now and working very hard at a new life. A life he is trusting God for. Even during some of the darkest moments, I never gave up on hope. God has been there carrying us through it all and will continue to carry us. I will be praying for you and your son.

Blessings,

mel

Mobirdie · Senior Member

Sunny, I feel your pain, I have walked in your shoes as you are walking in mine. My A son is 37, divorced twice with four children that he has never supported.

How do we detach? That is a tough one and it is one that I work on daily. When I finally saw with wide open eyes just how sick his addiction had made me I knew that I had to detach from him and let him fall. Each time he has fallen I have thought this time he will see, only to realize that there is a new bottom he has to reach.

As mom's we play a different role in the A world. We have a bond with our children that only another mom can understand. I have been in f2f meetings for over a year now and when I finally realized and accepted that I could do absolutely NOTHING to help him I started working on me.

I let my son know that I love him but I will have nothing to do with any of the problems he creates for himself because of his addiction. If he is in trouble or has problems it is for him to figure out not me. I had to give him the dignity of growing up and me the dignity to have a life.

I won't say I have made it yet, somehow I think it is a life long battle to make it but we can get better at it and it does get easier. With the help of my HP and his allowing me to turn my son over to him daily, I know I will be ok.

I strongly suggest that you get the One Day At a Time or Courage To Change daily readers. In the back there is an index of different topics with pages listed. Find detachment and read them, even write down how each one applies to you and the thoughts you have about them. I am on my fourth time through them and I find new things in the same readings every time that I didn't connect with before. I can now go back and read through my notes from the first time and see just how far I have come.

Remember the Three C's...You didn't CAUSE IT, You can't CURE IT, and you can't CONTROL IT.

HUGS

afglin · Senior Member

Abby and I answered the e, s, h at almost the same time. She told what the ISM's were too. I want to add some more.

I see ism's as the behaviors of the active alkie. If they dont get sober, or only get "dry" and dont work to change themselves they sill have them. Everybody does not display all of them, but many are very common.

my list includes:

controling

selfish

self-centered

angry

paranoid

manipulative

arrogant

skewed logic

untrustworthiness

That's how I see the list of those ISMs.

LIN

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think there are certainly differences between the mother/daughter/child/spouse/girlfriend role.

I know I did a highly dysfunctional/paranoid/psychotic mother and it was very very difficult to separate from her. Nevertheless I did. I had limits, I had enough, I did what I could and I did not feel guilty about doing more. I feel that was a lifelong bond. I did not give up on my mother till she died. I cared, I wanted her to have recovery, she chose not to have any.

I did the best I could and that was good enough for me for once. I know my mother wanted me to totally sacrifice myself for her there was no question about that, her demands were endless.

I think in al-anon I try to focus on the similarities. I am not married to my A that brings issues and being married brings issues too. There are always differences. I am probably not going to find someone in al-anon who has the exact same issues as me.

One of my good friends at the moment is someone who grew up incredibly rich. I grew up abjectly poor. I used to focus on that she grew up rich and had the luxury of that. These days I try to focus on our similarities which is recovery issues. I know we have differences (many of them) but focusing on them didn't help me that much. Focusing on the similarity does.

Maresie.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

sunnymom · Member

Thanks, everyone!

I have read (and reread) your replies--and I DO know what you mean by "-isms!" I talked to him last night-he was sober and asking me to send things he needs to begin school. He is planning to go to a 12 step meeting tonight (Celebrate Recovery), and has made arrangements for a ride as it is in a town 20 miles from where he is staying at my dad's. My sister offered to pick him up and take him. He initiated the arrangements--I THINK that's good. I am taking the advice of you and others in this group--one day at a time, although my experience has been for every one GOOD day, there is bound to be a not so good one. Maybe this time is it, though. I feel so much stronger! You know what else--I find that I am saying the Serenity Prayer several times a day in order to find peace--thanks to God, my HP.

I plan on going to a meeting today, and hopefully can pick up a copy of Courage to Change or One Day at a Time. If not, I will order them from here when I get home.

Thanks again!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.