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I'm Stacy. I am just frustrated right now. My A boyfriend FINALLY has gotten a job that he is good at, that he likes, and that he can do. I'm so excited FOR him and for us as I have set a boundary that he can only continue living with me if he is bringing money in. I used to say, "If he drinks he goes" but that wasn't a realistic boundary in my case, so I modified it to something practical. And, basically, it's the same thing...because if he drinks, he will lose this job. He is NOT a highly functioning alcoholic. He's a BARELY functioning one...
So his job is going great for him...but he's not been getting to meetings. I've gently reminded him that I'm here to take him if he needs it, but he is too tired every day after work (and was too busy on his two days off). I keep my nose out of it and worry about my recovery. I'm not the nag I once was.
So why does it hurt then when I got home last night...it's my first night out in a long time with my friend...and I discover he's been drinking. He's not beligerent or annoying, as he usually is when he drinks. I ask him if he's been drinking and he honestly tells me he had a drink or two (it's obvious to me he's not drunk but his speech is slightly affected and the sound of his voice when he drinks leaves me completely turned off from wanting to talk with him).
I'm frustrated. Maybe it's because I really know this is a job he likes and a job he can do and if he screws this one up then...well...I guess I believe this job will make him or break him. Maybe a more accurate way to say it is this job with make or break US. And if you're like me, you've seen stretches of really good sobriety and meeting attendance out of your A, but when the first drink hits his lips...well, it's a spriral staircase back to a bottom (not "THE" bottom, or we wouldn't likely be here again!).
Anyway, I think that I am facing the reality that he could screw this up...even though it's so seemingly perfect for him...and this time it means more. I think this is a good thing that I'm feeling this. I'm not freaking out or a wreck like has so often been the case in the past. I'm feeling more like a person who is going about her business but is aware of the possible distruction around her. It makes me sad because I was hoping this would be the time (who knows...maybe it will be...though I'm not holding my breath on that one). But I think I've reached some acceptance that I've not felt before. I mean, if he's going to fall apart, he is going to fall apart, right? It's my HP's plan for me to finally let got, right?
Anyway, any ESH would be great. THank you for listening. I'm off to my favorite meeting.
I have totally been where you are in the wishing they'd go to more meetings..and watching them spiral after that first drink.
I have to use acceptance..accepting that he's an alcoholic. Alcoholics drink. That's what they do best. In my case it seems lying and procrastinating run a close second. I have to accept that he is a big boy and makes his own choices. I have to MYOB when it comes to him going to meetings or not and even if he drinks or not. Mine drank 3 days ago, but lied about it. At least yours admitted to it.
If you set a boundary, be prepared to stick by it. Ohterwise it's like a child who is told...if you do that you will be grounded, they do that, whine and get no grounding. They soon learn they can do anything they want and we will be a pushover to their demands and let them get by with whatever they choose. Does that make sense?
Boundaries need to be realistic. The one you made...bringing in money sounds good. It is not very specific but it is a positive one. So if he loses the job but mows 3 yards a week and brings home $45 he'll be bringing in money? right? Be sure you and your b/f understand the boundary and what it entails. Be sure the consequences you set are something you really will stick with.
Well you certainly have become stronger since you've been here. Good for you. I like what Linda has told you too.
When I asked hubby to leave because he was drinking again I was adamant about him having at least 90 days sobriety before I would even consider him coming back home to live. He has long bouts of sobriety, and calls himself a "chronic relapser and numb drunk". This last time, however HP interferred with my plans. (Read my posts about hubby being in ICU for more background.) So my boundary changed. But my initial intention of not living with an active alcoholic has not. I will not live that way again. However if hubby was to relapse again (pray that he doesn't) he's dead. He knows that. He truly hit his bottom by being dead in the ER and coming back.
Hubby reminds me, and I reminded of this when I go to AA meetings with him, is that an A is going to do what an A is going to do. There is nothing that we can do about it. I am working really hard at staying out of his recovery. I no longer nag him to go to meetings or his outpatient mental health. At some point he has to grow up and be an adult. Guess what? He's growing up and taking responsibility for his life. One thing that has brought us closer is that we try to get to 1 or 2 AA meetings a week together. We also do our daily meditations/readings together. We get alot out of it from each of our readings. At the end of the day, no matter how tired I am from work, I try and set aside at least 30 minutes to spend just talking to him. Sometimes it's only 10 but it' something. He's also working harder at helping around the house. Hard because of his disability. But at least he's trying.
It will always hurt when an A drinks. To me 1 drink is just as bad as 10 drinks. An alcoholic can't be a social drinker. It just doesn't work. I don't know anyone who is in recovery (even long term) who believes that they can be a social drinker. My father in law will have 36 years this November. Even he says that he can't stop at just one. Because if he believed that he could, he might take the chance and have one. Why risk it?
Remember it's okay for you to have fun and be good to yourself. We are entitled to live and healthy and happy life with or without an active A. Keep working your program. You're doing great.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
