Hi hun,

I've been thinking about your situation and though I'm not familiar with your personal cicumstances, in light of what the visitation officer said and knowing that the disease is progressive I would personally be reluctant to do more than meet my legal obligation, if any, towards honouring your A's parental rights. You also said you can't really afford a lawyer so I would be hesitant to start something that may become lengthy, legal wrangles. I think a pertinent question to ask yourself is 'As his illness progresses, would I be willing to leave our daughter in his unsupervised care?' Obviously, if he seeks recovery the situation could be reviewed.

I also say this as a child of a dysfunctional family. I clearly remember thinking as a youngster that it would have been better to have one happy parent than two warring factions. My Dad made many promises he couldn't keep and this contributed to my trust issues in later life. I remember the disappointment of him promising to take me somewhere or do something and then it not happening. Though my Mum tried to protect me from this sort of thing, it failed to stop my little heart breaking over and over and this I believe contributed to my self-esteem issues. If I were more lovable etc then my Daddy would want to be with me. In time he left the family and I ended up with abandonment issues that I failed to recognise until I was in Al-Anon. My Dad also had a temper and I remember people 'walking on eggshells', not wanting to trigger an outburst. Though my Dad wasn't physically aggressive towards me I remember the fear my brothers had and I often expected conflict and would try to intervene or diffuse the situation. I understand today he was doing the best he could with what he had. For me, it comes down to 'Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?' and I still can't answer that. I love my Dad dearly but his behaviours were emotionally damaging for me. I don't lay all the blame for my dysfunction at my parents doorstep but I do have to acknowledge the part they played in it. If I hadn't found Al-Anon I don't think I could've worked through these issues as I actually didn't realise that these things were still affecting my life today. One good thing about becoming aware of a problem is that you can then do something about it.

With regards to myself and my A, I chose to remain childless as I have a medical condition and when that improved to the degree where we thought I may be recovered enough to parent a child well, I sensed the sickness in our lives and didn't want to knowingly bring a child into that. At the time I made the decision, I didn't know we were dealing with alcoholism. There are occasions when I am grateful for that decision and others when I regret not being a Mummy. With hindsight, it was the right decision for us as my health follows a pattern of relapse and remittance and I would have found it particularly difficult to be a single parent coping with the repercussions of alcoholism on my life. My A and I separated, divorced and then reconciled. My A is now in recovery so I have to believe that was God's plan for us.

Only you can make the decisions that will affect yours and your little ones life as you are the one who will have to live with them. It is perfectly understandable that your depression and anxiety will be heightened by the stress of the situation so I will send prayers for you. These are just my views and my experience, take what you like and leave the rest and I hope it helps in some small way. I also hope that others who have had visitation/custody situations in their lives may be able to respond and give you some more useful insights.

In love and support,

x  Maria  x

My sons bio father was a crack addict.  I was advised not to put his name on the birth certificate. That way the bio could have nothing to do with my son unless he established paternity at his expense. Of course I couldn't collect child support either. But, hey, probably wouln't have gotten it anyway. I have not seen or heard from bio since. That was 15 yrs ago. (famliy tree projects at school aren't that difficult. Remember ...It takes a village to raise a child... You would be amazed to know friends loved to be called aunt and uncle) My son had questions about his bio father around the age of nine / ten and I eased around them til I thought he was mature enough to handle the truth which I told....the truth. I feel my son  is better off not knowing his addic bio father. So I do not regret my decision.  

I hope my experience was helpful but not influential. Only you can decide what is best. I only suggest you take care of you so you can care for that precious baby girl. 

sld 

((((((((((((((Poodles))))))))))))))))))),

Congratulations on your baby girl!!!!!!!!! Newborns are God's angels. Their innocence and vulernability needs our protection.

They say "hindsight is 20/20" or "Monday morning's quarterbacking always wins the game." So this is just my opinion of what I wished my life had been.

I wish I had not grown up with an A father. I wished my father had been what I thought other's had ~ a daddy to be there, to do teas with, to go on picnics with, Daddy's little girl, etc. etc. He wasn't. He couldn't. Never in his life. I often wished my mom had thrown him to the curb. Sure we wouldn't have had a Dad like others in school, but as others share, I didn't have one anyway. When he showed up, he was drunk. The Town knew him as a womanizer and a drunk. Sooooooooooooooooo it was the dream of what a Dad should be.

I won't tell you what to do. I only wanted to share what it was like from a child's standpoint. I would have much rather have had a healthy mother (one parent) than what I had (above) and a mother who spent a lot of energy trying to make him be what he couldn't and sometimes being too tired for us.

We in Alanon have "take what you liked and leave the rest" I just can't envision letting an addict hold any baby. IMHO, it's not safe for those precious gems God gives us.

yours in recovery,
Maria123