Ok Richard I'll bite!

If the offer was for me alone I would not re marry my A with after living with his alcoholism.

That said, my children are the reason I try to make the best of it. The legal system is set up to

protect human rights. Even an alcoholic father has a right to visitation with his children (or mother).

I have three children,18,17,9. How exactly would they be proud of me if I handed over the 9 year old to his Dad for a weekend? How exactly would I explain to them that I know he will drink and drive with him, forget to feed him, not notice if his asthma is bothering him, and fall on top of him (urine soaked of course) when and if he gets up from being passed out. Sorry, I will not put my child in that situation.

My A is in rehab right now. I do not miss him. My house is quiet and organized. Do I love him, yes. Him. The him I married, not the one he has become. I glimpsed him last week while visiting the rehab, he's in there. But will he be able to get back and stay?

Thats the "him" I love.

evey

Hi ya Richard,

I don't take offence but I do disagree.  As far as the courts and visitation, you'd not believe how an A can hold it together for appearances.  My A is a walking, talking, functioning, non-slurring A and he can be loaded.  His appearance allows him to avoid DUI's.  I'd say he appears to be drunk 15 min. before he passes out, though he's ripped well before that.  Would the courts give him time with the kids, of course they will.   This plays a big factor for me and how I deal with my situation.  Boil it down and it is plain old fear. 

We all deal with our A's in a way that best works for us.  It is sickening the lengths that we alanoners go to in our attempts to control, organize, orchastrate and manipulate our situation to make it work for us.....but isn't that why we are here?  Aren't we all just trying to work the steps to the best of our ability?  All of us are at different stages of our recovery and all of us take different approaches to it.  What works for one may not work for another.  Some people "get it" quicker than others, I don't believe this has anything to do with time in the program but more to do with our desire to get well.  

I totally agree with your statement regarding male/female relationships.  Personally I take great insight from the men who post here...their difficulties, though very similar, wear on them differently than most women.  Women tend to be the care takers, men the protectors...but we all end up trying to be "fixers"  and it just doesn't work.  So as we learn and grow in this program, we hopefully let go of the control, step away from the insane dance with our A's and start to live our own life -- with or without them.  I leave it in my HP's hand as far as whether or not the path I've chosen and the path my A has chosen will meet again.  Until then, for me, my path is in the polar opposite of my A.  The thing is that I know people who live with their A's and their paths are equally opposite, but they choose to stay in it.  It's really a personal decision as to what you are willing to accept and live with.

I find it very judgemental for you to say that we shouldn't give Alcoholism so much attention.  Good grief, for so long for me it was that HUGE elephant in the livingroom that we all ignored.  I spent too much of my time think that I could improve myself and that my A drank but wasn't an A....if only I worked harder things would be better.  Well I'm now working harder, at the right things , and things are getting better.

As far as what you read here....I agree, sometimes I think how can a person continue to live like that, I wouldn't be able to blah, blah, blah, but that is ME.  One of my very best friends in alanon has a hard time with me and understanding what my situation is -- but she gives me the dignity of NOT telling me what I should do or not do.  I love her because she works her program and she can bring my focus back to where it should be, which is another thing you touched on -- obsession.  Yes, I think we spend toooooo much of our time thinking, talking, worrying about our A's.  I'm number one guilty of that.  Again, that is why I'm here...it's sick and I want to get well.

I'm glad you've found peace in your situation, just remember the times that there wasn't that peace, and the answers you found were right for you and might not be right for others.

((((lots of hugs to you))))  

Well Richard I wish I could state that it's a cut and dry situation. My father was a diehard army man of 25 years. Took no crap from anyone and his wife was a highly abusive,pathetic drunk;he felt obligated to deal with it even at the jeopordy of my own well-being (adoptive parents) thats' one example of the grey area of how some folks love and tolerate.

My 18 yr old son's father was/is a physically abusive,disgusting...most deplorable bastard of a man drunk you can imagine. We were on a traveling sales crew and I left him with our two year old son, with five dollars in my pocket,no family and begging for free rent at a motel because there were no shelters.There's an example of 'being so strong' and keeping my head up high and not tolerating any more mess.

My next relationship was with a very hard working alcoholic man for almost 8 years. He never hit me yet the fights got ugly enough and the disappearances,affairs and poisoned air got so bad I put my foot down and had to let this man go as well. I did the 'right thing'.I ended up in eviction court five times in a year,struggled badly with my child and honestly never had a moment to where I really thought I wouldn't drown and take my child down with me.i couldn't afford child care most of the time held four odd jobs at a time;it made me realize on a full scope why it tends to be harder for women with children to break out of an abusive relationship.Sure 'they' say just leave the bum..but then no one realistically understands that there aren't millions of ready placements to help house and help those in desperate need.That was a possible example of how the alternative to leaving may be just as frightening as living with a horror story.

Found a diehard drunk who lives with his mother,steals, in his mid-forties and falls over drunk nearly every night.No ambition.You'll be proud to know I ditched him after a while.

You know what I'm with now? An intellectual equal. A man who would be,and has been, as generous to anyone who needed money or a job or ANYTHING. As a matter of fact it is a negative as in the amount of times individuals have taken advantage.Better said..he's LET them take advantage. he doesn't have a harmful word to say to anyone-except when he's drunk. he would never act out of sorts-except when he's drunk. I'm with a man whom i finally feel treats me the best out of thirty some years of folks who have come and gone. I feel he is as dear of a friend as I can be blessed with. I have only been with him for almost two years. Our relationship is not something to destroy because of the anguish this drinking has brought both of us. Here is a good man who is literally destroying himself and it feels as if my heart is being ripped out JUST to experience this cruel process. There are the ones who break bones in their drunken rages. There are the ones who quietly drink themselves into an early grave without a peep. There is too much grey area to be  dealt with in such a black and white manner.

I love what someone had to say earlier re; this post. She has chosen to stay with her loved one..yes, this is why she is here. This is why we are mostly here. I can't guarantee I will stay with this man. I doubt I will considering the fact that I know what will be my future if things are not changed down the road. Some of us stay to avoid hardships. Some of us stay because the love we met was NOT the A that eventually showed its' face. Some of us stay because the children do not seem to be affected by the A-s behaviour and to them to leave their mother or father would bring much distress. Some of us stay because we aren't colored with that bold marker you seem to be blessed with. There are so many reasons. You've been reading the board for a year yes? I know you realize this fact.

In the meantime,whatever the reason of us being here, we still have to find ways to survive with the A-s behaviour and salvage what is left of what we know as ourselves.Simple. It's one thing to puff up one's chest and shout "There's a fire out in the hallway! Let's quit bitching and jump out of the window and land on our good strong legs onto the roof and be done with it!"-then again..... 

Some of us will bust our legs.Some of us may find an alternate route before the fire finds it's way into the room to consume us. Some of us may miss the lower roof all together and splatter on the pavement. By the grace of whatever luck or blessing there may even be a fireteam to make it in time to douse the fire. Who knows, Richard.

If you are so overwhelmed over the various tales of woe I do feel for you. I also understand there may be a woman in this country tonight who is contemplating suicide as she's nursing broken ribs as her baby is screaming in the bedroom because some drunk bashed her around for the umpteenth time. I hope you realize when things get out of hand many spouses(men included at times) question their intelligence enough without added trouble. Their love is so deep for such a monstrous soul it is heartbreaking. Thank God there are outreach programs-to understand,offer suggestions without criticizing.

the best you  could possibley do( and I'm not meaning to sound insensitive to you) is possibley gain more insight by going to more meetings,befreinding more women/men in this situation and just listen.

Take good care Rich. Remember.. 'ears and eyes open...'.