The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started going to a psychiatrist last week. I saw him again Thursday, and I'll see him once a week for a few more weeks, then once a month. In just two meetings, he has helped me understand that (1) I should not feel guilty for my A's addictions (2) I must set boundaries and learn how to keep them (3) I cannot wait forever. My A asked me to "wait for him" but I'm not sure what he meant by that - how long am I supposed to wait? My doc said it was a manipulation tactic and that I should not put my life, my happiness, my future on hold while he continues to abuse drugs and thinks I'm going to be waiting for him. He firmly said I should file for a divorce and that would suffice as far as a determined amount of time for waiting. I am working on learning how not to be an enabler and at the same time how to keep my boundaries set. My main boundary right now is that my A cannot come over to the apartment unless he is sober. Now, defining sober is easy for me but not so easy for my A. He thinks that sober means only taking the prescription pain meds. which he takes double and triple doses of. I have not been on line for a while b/c my A was on vacation and had just had his scripts refilled -- it was sickening. My son, on the other hand, (remember I have double A's - husband and son) has stayed sober all week b/c he has his 3 year old son for a week. I told him I was so proud of his decision to stay sober and that he just proved to himself that he can do it. He smiled. He actually smiled. I just wanted to share what I've been going thru with all of you. My doc said that this board is a great support system for me and that I need to go to AlAnon meetings f2f, too. I will start doing that. I only went once months ago. I bought a workbook at Barnes & Noble for the 12 step program and have been working on it. It is helpful. I'm so scared of being alone, but I have to face the fact that I have been alone for a long time now since my A is incapable of making sound decisions, incapable of enjoying family, etc. I guess I'm just scared of the finality of it all. I get sick at my stomach whenever I know my A is coming over b/c I don't know who will be entering my house...that's why I have to work on setting boundaries and keeping them. He is off this weekend and I'm panicking a little bit. That's all - I just wanted to share my anxieties and my news.
How wonderful that your son stayed sober. I'll bet you his smile did you a world of good. I hope he realizes that he CAN do it; he's just proven it to himself.
I feel for you and what you're going through with you A. I applaud you that you're helping yourself. I'm very new here and I have a very long journey ahead of me, but a lot of what you wrote about, I am feeling also. The part about being alone for so long, even when the A is there..I can so relate. Mine abandoned me for his addiction years and years ago. I only realized how alone I was and how I've been raising kids by myself. It really is very sad.
I hate that you feel so panicked about the weekend coming and him being home. I'll say a prayer for you.
Setting boundaries and sticking to them is one of the most difficult lessons to learn. But once you do, it is incredibly empowering and freeing.
How you enforce that with an A who takes pills, I can't tell you. I took back my hubby's keys when I told him to leave. When he wanted to come over and get some things, I decided when he could come and only if he had not been drinking. I made it clear not one drink could he have if he wanted to come over. To me there is no difference between having 1 drink, and being drunk with an alcoholic. I had just reached my limit. Luckily he has now found sobriety. But heaven forbid, if he ever did become active again, I would tell him to leave again. I will not live with an active alcoholic.
I am troubled by the fact that your doctor so blatantly and boldly told you you must file for divorce. To me that is very unethical and way out of line. To guide you, and councel you is one thing. To tell you what to do, is not appropriate. Whether or not you decide to divorce is your choice, not your doctor's.
Please remember to be good to yourself and be gentle with yourself. You will slip in your program, we all do. Don't be so hard on yourself when that happens. It's how we learn.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You sound absolutely wonderful. That is awesome. Detaching with love works for me because I don't end up feeling guilty afterwards. Congrats on your son. My sons aren't A's (thank you God) but I still try to look for ways to compliment them which builds their self-confidence and lets them know that no matter if the world is against them, I am not. I hope I am their soft place to fall on when they need.
You are doing a great job taking care of you. I also recommend face to face meetings. Alanon suggests you try six different meetings because you are apt to find one that has the flavor of your liking. Choice is a grand thing.
Keep coming,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Wow and thank you everyone for your wonderful words of support and encouragement. I agree that the dr was a little bold in his recommendation to see a lawyer and file for a divorce; however, my A is also a diagnosed paranoid szichophrenic (sp??) and compounded with the mind altering drugs has left him incapable of making sound decisions. We are ruined financially. I think the dr. was trying to encourage me to protect myself from further financial destruction. I am not going to react or act at this point. I know I have given 100% and I know my husband has been on a downward spiral of self-destruction for years. I just don't know if I can crash with him. I don't think I can otherwise I wouldn't have left. I guess I sound a little wishy-washy. I appreciate this life line of friendship and care and trust.
