The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Amazing what a day can do. Yesterday I was feeling great, taking care of myself, not worried about what could happen, feeling free and happy. My AH came home from a family reunion for the 4th, we had a really nice night his first night back on Wednesday night.
Lastnight I went to a face to face ALANON that is also an AA meeting - it is called Mixed Nuts, hahah! It was a great meeting, and asked an AA I really like if he would be interested in 12 stepping my husband if and when he asked for help. Then a former neighbor of mine was there - who happened to be friends with the guy I asked- I hadn't seen in a long time, who offered to help also, and he knows AH. I don't know if and when he will ask for help, but at least I feel prepared when he does. I felt hopeful and a little more like God was answering maybe a little prayer.
He didn't come home lastnight. At first I stayed strong, couldn't sleep well but didn't end up trying to call until 2:30 a.m., and I didn't leave a message. He still hasn't called or come home. I am at work, it is 7:50 a.m. No matter how drunk he is, he usually comes home by this time or calls. I'm just beside myself, though trying not to be. Trying to take care of myself. I wanted to call in sick to work so badly, but I know I need to be here. My mind is racing a million miles, I am TRYING to turn this over to God. I know it is a good thing if he is in crisis, that means he may ask for help sooner or now. But, I am thinking all kinds of other things. What if he is having an affair? Then I think, of all the stuff he puts me through, she can have him if that is the case, and if she can deal with his drunkenness she must be just as bad. What if he is gone for good? What if, what if, I am just so stressed. I know I am wasting my energy and a day that could be good. I wasted all night waking up every two hours and thinking, I am dead tired and just so sad. I am supposed to go to lunch with the boss today and I feel horrible, not with it.
Anyone have any words of wisdom? WHY is this such a horrible roller coaster and how long is this going to last? It is such a nightmare. He seems to have hit two pretty big bottoms I thought this year. How can you spend such good times with someone one year (last year) and then be just thrown apart the next? I feel like a HUGE cloud is storming over our life. This is just so sad and strange... I definitely feel dark forces around. I pray for him every day. I try to help others. I am trying to be better at detachment.... we have so much history together (17 years) and we are best friends, when he is not drinking. This is just too much to bear....
Oh Heidi...I can hear the horror in your post. Don't panic. try to stay calm. one small breath at a time. Coming here is good. My A is my son and not my spouse but I can relate to those feelings. When I lose all hope I just have to tell myself..."it is what it is" and ask my HP to give me the strength to deal with whatever has happend to him the night before. Whether it be jail...accident...or yes...even death.....please give me strength to accept whatever you give me. Those words use to be so hard for me but since Alanon I am starting to live with the reality of what can happen to an A. I can only hope that if anything bad happens I will be in a place to accept. I hope you can be in that place too.
Prayers are coming your way right now for some peace until you know what has happened to him.
Thanks SO much for your replies. I was feeling so alone. Tried to get into chat and no one would talk to me. THANKS, I really really appreciate just hearing from someone. I am trying to calm down.
One night, with a different A than the one I have now, I was howling into my pillow because i had called around to police stations and hospitals and he was nowhere to be found.After that, me with a pounding headache,puffed eyes and a five year old to play with..he showed up looking like holy garbage and he swore it would never happen again.It got worse through the years;the missing hours until 5 in the morning turned into two or three days missing.
The A I am with now fell down an entire flight of stairs many months ago,stone drunk (at his own place at the time) and landed in a hospital without me knowing what the hell happened to him all night. I was upset,crying and beside myself with fear. He would even stay away on rare overnight occasions and THOSE times he admitted he spent time with his assistant sexually.
It's hell. I wanted to relate these short tales to you to let you know I know EXACTLY what you're going through. I also want to let you know that in my experience of working on MY needs and new wishes for boundaries..I've freed myself from a pitch black blindness of fear.Yes, I know that anything can happen at any time with the A-s in our life, but you know what? The moment we accept this fact and not fool ourselves into false senses of security..it gets much better. It's like having on a seatbelt.You don't get into accidents all the time because you live a paranoid life of believing you're going to go thru the windshield at any moment,but when you DO get into a crash...thank God you had that belt on so that the damage is not that extreme.
As little as I had to give I certainly am glad you came here in your dark hours. Buckle up and take what you can from here.Keep reaching out and working on YOU.
Thinking the worst..when the worst is not happening can cause such heartache. Here's PRAYING you find a bit of peace Hersh.Sweet Lord lady...{{{{{{hersh}}}}}}}
