The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How to detatch with love, this was a real struggle for me. The love bit was fine....but detatching....that was difficult. I wonder can anyone else identify with me here.
I know I must detatch with love in order to protect my sanity. That's what I need, what I want doesn't even come into it.
Last night my Aboyfriend from whom I am splitting at the moment (the Aboomerang, he keeps coming back) called me. He was on the beer again. He was in a bar although he told me he was at a lake fishing (his hobby when he's not drinking)!! Somehow he thought I wouldn't hear the obvious bar background noise!! He proceeded to tell me a few more lies...I let him carry on....it was his phone bill.
I didn't say much.
As usual, when I hung up the worry set in...my natural instinct of course. Where was he really, was he going to be okay etc etc......
Anyway, I was advised here not to give my energy away to the negativity of worry, and I chose to heed these words. I calmly went about my evening as best I could. Everytime I felt the worry and the questioning and the anxiety set in, I chose to push it to one side. There were no more tears. I know I can only let him walk his own path now, and its the hardest thing for me to do. I am detatching, I am letting him go his own way. Someone here said I have to allow him the dignity to reach his own rock bottom without trying to cushion him.
And then, having consciously detatched, I went to bed. Usually I would toss and turn all night with worry in these circumstances. But last night I didn't, I had a good nights sleep. I woke this morning, and was immediately alarmed....where was he, is he okay, and all the usual.... So again I chose to detatch with love..............I'm not worrying now either. I'm sad that it has come to this and we will never be happy together again. But I know too that I am being succesful in saving myself...saving my sanity.
Just hoping someone understands, Thanks for listening, AM
I completely understand how you are feeling right now. Can I say great job for you!! Worry and anxiety seem to go hand in hand for the people affected by the A'ism. Detaching is difficult for me as well. Detaching with love was completely foreign to me when I first came to Alanon. The anger and resentment I felt for my A overtook any compassion and empathy. If I detached it was with cold silence or just completely removed myself from his presence until I could face him again. I began learning detachment with love when I stepped back from his behavior and drinking and said nothing. If I was uncomfortable with how much he drank or his behavior I'd find something else to do to keep me busy. I did it with a good attitude. If he became angry or beligerent I simply said I don't appreciate what you are doing and saying and until you can calm down I don't think its a good time to discuss it. It works for me when I work it. When I fall into a trap of manipulation and begin feeling shame and blame and take on guilt that is not mine and feel the need to justify myself that's when I get in trouble. I'm not detaching emotionally or with love, I'm right back in the unhealthy pit of codependency. I still have my slips but they are getting farther and fewer between. Keep doing what you are doing, that self talk helps when the worry and anxiety sets in.
Thanks for posting this topic because it really helped me think about where I was at a week ago.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I hear that detachment becomes easier with the development of boundaries. So you surround yourself with self love and let them live their lives. For me it helps me pull myself out of my A's #$%^#. And then I can keep the focus on myself and my recovery program.
