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Hi Guys! I haven't been on in a while. I just wanted to update, and also get some opinions.
I had my baby girl almost three weeks ago. She was a preemie but is doing fine. The father (A to Narcotics) and I hadn't been in much contact. He was arrested in May for a parole violation (he had been giving his PO MY address as his own for 6 months), he's out and on ISP, still living w/the woman he moved in w/when we broke up.
Anyhoo... Don't know how much you remember of my story but here's the rundown so far since the baby's been born: I called him the night I had her, he called the next day. He came by the hosp once for a few minutes and said he wanted to come back to sign the paternity papers, never did. Came over to my house the past two weekends. First weekend brought a bunch of stuff he got out garage saleing, but stuff I already had (he knew I had a car seat, I had to have one to bring the baby home...) Last weekend he told me he bought her stuff at wal-mart, came over w/a bunch of stuff he got garagesaleing (he says)... He lies so much. Anyway, while he was here he just kept talking about how he wanted to come spend the night and take her for a night when she gets bigger, he's off drugs, etc. Meanwhile, at four different times while he was sitting w/her slurring his words his eyes rolled back in his head. I was sooooo angry but afraid to say anything b/c he was holding her and he has an anger problem. I do not want him in my house, I asked him to contact a visitation center so we could set something up but he never did.
He always makes these creepy comments when he holds her, like oh she has really changed my life, but he's all f'd up. I wonder if he's going to drop out of the picture, he's only seen her three times in the three weeks she's been born (3 weeks this Saturday). He doesn't really seem concerned about her health (preemie) and seems clueless as to what it's like to have a newborn. I really can't stand the thought of him "caring" for her as he is so irresponsible and does drugs in front of children and while driving. I want to be fair and allow him the opportunity to know her if he gets his s//t straight. but I feel like I have to protect her, and I don't know what to do to ensure that. Part of me thinks he will just drop out of site soon, as he has a son in town who he NEVER sees and he's two years old. I don't want to encourage him, but I don't want to deny him either. I need to set firm boundaries. Every case worker and social worker I speak w/says I am being way to generous and nice and warn me against that. I love my little girl and want to protect her from the potential harm he could cause, in this instance I actually think she might be better off w/o him. That's so sad, but so true. If he lies to her and lets her down as he has me it would break her heart and mine. If history is any indication I can assure you he still lies to me to this day, and he nothing has changed. At least that's the one good thing that has come from seeing him these past two saturdays for a couple of hours each.
Please share your experiences. I'm so happy to be the mama to this beautiful baby, and want to be the best mama I can and take the best care of her I can.
Thanks Yall!
Edited to say: For the record I have nothing against garage sale-ing! I just was annoyed b/c #1 he lies, and #2 I don't know where he's really getting this stuff from b/c he lies :P, and #3 he was getting stuff that if he had his mind about him he would know I already had, or at least ask what I needed b/f spending on stuff?? Thought I sounded kinda snobbish when I reread, and wanted to clarify.
I am sorry to hear about your dilemma. I don't have any personal experience in this but all I can say is take care of you and your little precious girl. Don't worry about him right now. Like the social workers told you, you are being too generous. If you don't want him in yoour house you can always get a temporary restraining order. My mother and bother are both A's and there is no way I would ever leave my 2 girls alone with them, I simply can't trust them that much. I hope this helps.
Congratulations on your New Precious Little Girl!!
Boundaries are a wonderful thing - Maybe looking at different visitation options might be a possibility - If your daughter is healthy enough to leave your home, can you meet at mutual location? restuarant? McDonalds? Mall? During a non busy time? That way, you have some control - if he appears to be under the influence, you have the option of leaving, plus the protection of being in a public place. Maybe even in the lobby of the hospital - There are usually security guards close by if he has a really bad anger problem, if you decide you need to leave. Also, a requirement that He be sober when he visit is a boundary you can ask for - he may not respect the boundary, but you can ask.
Whatever you need to do to make you and your daughter feel safe, you both are worth it!
Congratulations again - Hope that you are recovering from childbirth and feeling better also,
One Day At a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I just wanted to congratulate you on the arrival of your gorgeous baby girl! I don't have children therefore am not in much of a position to comment but my thinking was to go through the visitation centres if you decide you want him to have contact. I can understand you wanting your little girl to have a Daddy but also am all too aware of how irresponsible an A can be; your daughters safety, welfare and happiness have to take priority. It's not a comfortable or easy situation to be in but maybe with firm boundaries you can find a reasonable middle-ground. I would be concerned about his anger problem as parents need to communicate and maybe compromise when discussing and arranging the welfare of their children and if you are worried about talking to him this could be a potential mine-field of contention. I would also suggest you 'pray' to your HP (if you have one) asking for clarity and guidance. May HP give you the strength to make choices that are wise and compassionate. I hope you and baby are doing well and that her prem status has not caused complications. May you enjoy many happy hours with your darling little one.
Thanks for the responses and well wishes! I spoke at length to the guy at the visitation center, and he cautioned me that if my A (it sounds funny calling him "MY" A anymore, as I have detatched from him) can pull off the visits (being as how he's on narcotics not other more obvious drugs) that he may eventually want more (such as taking her with him overnight or out of the center) and that although he hasn't established paternity my agreeing to visitation would imply it and I could encounter complications later, blah blah blah.
So, I have no crystal ball and don't know what's in the best interest of baybay to do. I can't really afford a lawyer and I truly want to make the right decisions. I do NOT want him in my house that's for sure. I'm hoping he'll drop off the radar but I'm have no way of knowing. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but he is soooooo toxic. I'm battling depression and anxiety and it just seems to intensify w/the stress. Thank you so much for your supportive and nonjudgemental comments. I really appreciate the kind feedback. Did I mention that he hasn't called this week? I don't know if he's planning to come tomorrow or not. I wonder if he hasn't called b/c he knows I saw his eyes rolling back in his head (I asked him if he was okay one of the times when we made eye contact)?? Thanks for listening guys.
