Hi Whitie

This is a classic, you are certainly not the only ex-wife going through this.

Perhaps you can tell your son the reason why ex husbands have to pay spousal support.  The main reason is that MANY wives get off the professional fast track to raise kids and take care or the home so that the Dad can stay ON the financial fasttrack.  At the time it seems like a good idea and necessary, especially with an alcholic Dad who often does NOT pick up the slack or help out much if the Mom works.

So...the LAW wants to be fair and just and compensate woman for the "sweat equity" that they put into the family and husband's career.  She is often a very important part of a husband's successful career.  If she were not raising the kids, taking care of the home, driving the kids around, the husband likely would not have had as much time to put into his career and would likely not have accomplished as much.

The law and the judge see women like you everyday.  Who may be a receptiontist but not because they are lazy or stupid or unambitious, but because they sacrificed a hard driving career to raise their kids.  They are usually the one to sacrifice a successful career and let work take a backseat to child rearing. 

Also, if your husband is being "financially ruined" it is because he is bad at handling his finances, as alcholics often are.  A judge NEVER orders enough spousal support to leave the ex-husband destitute.  That is the reason why a judge has to determine it, he looks at the circumstances of both and comes up with a fair number.  Funny, how he thinks owning up to his responsibility is breaking him financially, but blowing money on expensive alcohol isn't...

You have "earned" every penny you are getting in support and don't ever let your EX make you feel guilty for getting it.  The law only gives you what is fair and just and they have a lot of e xperience in how to decide how much spousal support to give you.  So, don't geel guilty.  It will not even begin to make up for what you have given to him.

I read a study that in ten years after a divorce, the husband has often recovered financially and is almsot always MUCH BETTER off, while the wife is often still struggling.  That is also due to the greater earning power that men have.  The law knows that too...and tries to level the playing field with spousal support.  So, once again, you have it COMING and OWED to you so take every penny without a shred of guilt.  You will need it later.

Maybe you could write these things to your son in a letter, with some statistics to back it up.  Go to the library and get a book about the finances after a divorce and it will be a eye opening experience for you to read about how women almost always get a raw deal in the long run, even figuring IN spousal support!

It is because a woman can never regain those lost years that she was on the "mommy track".  Even if she tries to jump right back in the rat race, she now has age against her and age discrimination...sigh.  So, she will never catch up.

My husband tries this line on me too...says it is cheaper to stay married to me even though he despises me, since he knows he will have to pay spousal support.  SIGH!

I tell him "The judge will only give me what is right, fair, and just and even then it won't even begin to make up for what you have done".  I will tell the judge how I had to drop out of my MS in psychology degree program, when I got a scholarship I worked for  years and years for in undergraduate school, since my husband was drunk driving our daughter around and being drunk the whole time I ever left the home.  I will also tell the judge how I had to quit so many jobs since he consistantly got drunk every time I left the house, or took our daughter out drunk driving around.

My daughter would call me at work, crying, that he was barking like a dog or peeing his pants and she was terrified he would "go crazy" and hurt her the way he was screaming at her.  I would take her to my Mom's to be watched while I was at work and he would go and get her, bullying both of them.  Yes, I plan to tell the judge all of that...

So, as you can see....I will collect every single penny I can of spousal support and even then it will never make up for the lost wages I could have had if he had not so totally destroyed my career by making it impossible to even work a job, much less devote myself to a job.

If I can ever get him to move out, I even plan on moving to another neighboring county that has a higher and longer scale of spousal support, LOL.  Like I said, it won't even begin to even out...

(((((Whitie))))))

I know this is hard for you, and painful.  Hold your head up, you are a hard working mom and can be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished in life.  Despite I am sure many problems with an active A husband, you still managed to work as a receptionist. 

Don't let your EX husband reach out accross the gap between you and still rob you of your serenity and peace.  The judge NOT YOU decided on the spousal support.  You have it coming to you, so take it.  Tell him to manage his finances better.  Turn things around...tell your son that the judge never orders "too much" support, so if your husband is needy, then he is very financially irresponsible and needs to learn to bugdet.

Isabela

 Honey, your alcholic was just pissed off that he had to take responsibility. Alcholism is a disease of selfishness and self centerdness, one that at its core evades responsibility. It is not your son's responsibility to pay alimony! That's like saying your son is the reason your marriage broke up! And you know that's not true! Your son probably isn't returning your phone calls because he's hurting. Alcholism is a tornado disease--it just plows through and destroys everything it touches, leaving devastation behind. Your son will heal in time. If you're truly worried, send him a funny ecard, send him a thinking of you card, then let it go. Pray. Hang out with us. Let go and let god.

 And next time you see or have contact with your alcholic, say something to the effect that if he needs to bad moulth you, do it to your face. The stuff that goes on between you and him has nothing to do with your son. If your son needs to get involved at at all, tell your alcholic it'll be for a long vacation or to pay for you to have dinner at an expensive restaurant.