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My son called on his way home from work today in a lather over actions from his ex. He was so angry. And that is how he often is. He is sober during the week, saving his drinking for Saturdays and Sundays. He is enrolled in a continuing ed class and started to gripe about that. When he is drinking we just don't communicate; that is my boundary. When is isn't drinking he is either the most charming and sweet guy in the world or he is ranting about something. He blows situations way way out of proportion. Tonight he had a test at class and I realized later (after he hung up on me for not saying something right) he was worried sick about the test. He has little confidence in himself. He called me back after he arrived at class saying his apologies for his outburst and for hanging up on me. I am trying so hard to detach and remain calm when he is out of control. I just told him to get a grip and say a prayer and I would say one for him. He told me he doesn't believe in prayer anymore because nothing has ever been answered. This is sad for me to hear. But you know, sometimes I feel the same way. This disease is a faith breaker if you are not careful. I have taken a deep breath, turned it over to God, and am trying to believe that he will be OK. This "sober" behavior combined with his weekend drinking is how he lost his wife and baby...all in a six month period. We are trying to heal and accept. So difficult.
The A I live with (sometimes the word boy-friend is not apt there is not much friendly about him at times) is much like this. I have to detach and set limits. I am glad that you have some. I am working at night at the moment. I fear the A will bring his friends over and drink in some ways I'd rather he did that than be out drinking and driving. Who knows? I turn it over. If I am not here I can't find out what happened. I get cues though that people come over when I am not here. I don't socialize much with his friends I used to then I found it an incredible burden and stopped. I have enough to do to take care of me and our pets.
My A would like the world to revolve around him. I have to continually adjust to taking care of me. If I let it all be about him it is a set-up for resentment for me. I'm not willing to be bogged down in resentment anymore. In some ways I've got to a place where I see resentment as a cue to set a boundary. If I get enough of them I set a boundary.
I am glad that you are here and sharing. It can be a real roller coaster dealing with them. I try super hard not to over identify with the A. I did that when he was sick and it got me nowhere. He certainly did not appreciate my compassion and sympathy, he milked it to the nines then he dumped on me. So I keep my distance but I also try to be straight forward. I was not going to tell him about my night job but I won't be here so I can't really. I am not specific about who it is with or where it is. But I do share that much with him.
Hi I read your post kind of late, sorry. Just wanted to say that I fully understand how you are feeling. My A is newly sobered but has decided he doesn't want program right now. He is not a very happy person and blames me and whomever else he can for his unhappiness. He does not think rationally and therefore does not have a handle over his emotions. He reacts as he feels much like a child. It is very difficult not to engage in his mind games and chaos but this is what I was told to do. My sponser basically said that fighting back is what he wants to asuage his guilt. I continually read July 14th in the ODAT book because it clearly says there is nothing I can do or say that will help the A while they are in this state of mind. Their minds are not clear their judgement is poor and their frustration tolerance is very low. My goal of the weekend: to practice not responding to his snide comments, his fits of rage, or his sarcastic remarks no matter how bad I'd love to just tell him off. If I begin to justify myself and begin to tell the truth he combats me. He is not interested in hearing logic or truth, just wants to make me hurt because he's hurt. Hang in there... I know it hurts, I know what his wife went through. You didn't cause this, can't cure it, and cant change it. I know as a mother myself an innate response to our children is to make it better, but nothing we can say will make it better except to tell them we love them and praying for them. HP hears all your prayers. He/she doesn't always answer them when we want it, but I think answers come eventually.
Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
First off, speaking from experience, your son isn't sober. His weekend drinking/weeklong dry spells speak of someone who is a binge drinker and is dry. Good for you for being assertive with your boundry.
Second off, concerning his nonsense with self confidence, you don't have to affirm him or build him up if he's not going to take the steps to be affirming toward himself (did he mention if he'd studied? what about working with others in the class? how about talking with the professor?). I would have simply said "Hon, sounds like this test is a big deal for you. Why don't we talk after it's over and you can tell me how you feel about your performance? Right now it sounds like you're really scared and not thinking straight because of how scared you are."
You don't have to affirm people or build up people who aren't going to take steps to do so themselves. Even if your son had taken the necessary actions to be self affirming, it's not your job to be his whipping woman. You can tell him that too--"Hon, it sounds like you're really uptight about this test, but taking it out on me won't make it easier or make it go any smoother. Why don't you and me talk later when you're calmer?"
Lastly, just because you talk to him when he's "sober" doesn't mean that it's loving, kind or honest. As you found out he doesn't think straight--and winds up apologizing; he'll react--and wind up kicking his own butt over it; you can set boundries for the sober conversations just like the drunk conversations.
