The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Will apologize first off for cursing but don't have any milder words. The first thoughts were much worse believe me. I am confused and befuddled
Have been attending f2f meetings, went to my 3rd one yesterday and I enjoy them and am learning lots. This is where the confusion comes in.
Some folks have active A's, some folks have A's that are recently in recovery and some have A's that have been in recovery for years. What I am failing to see (and maybe I won't, hence this post) is a place where these A's grow up.
So here all of these people are working there butt's off to make themselves well and the A's (using or not) do what??? Are we supposed to spend our lives figuring out how to live with these people. Does there ever come a point where we are recovered and can focus all of this energy into other endeavors??? Or do we get to recover forever? Do we ever get to be done???
Am looking forward to insight on this subject. You all continually amaze me with your wisdom.
lilms
__________________
Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
For me the trick was, just giving his disease to him totally, I decided that I wasn't going to carry it around with me anymore, it was just to heavy......
Are we ever done is a question I have asked many times.....Probably not, in my guess.....however we do get well, we can find serentiy.....and what more is there...the crazy insane world of addiction is hell for all involved......today is all we have...I try to stay in today and tomorrow will be here soon enough...
I hope you find some solid ground to walk on real soon dear friend,
I was sick before I met my "A". Otherwise, I wouldn't ahve chosen my "A" to be my hubby. I grew up in a home that was affected by alcoholism not directly, but the damage was done.
So my dear, I think I am going to be in this program until I can no longer go. I use this program at work, with my friends, not just my "A".
The program teached me to focus on me, not others, because I am the only one they can control. And I will always need that.
Yours in Recovery,
Mandy (Dolphin123)
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Suggest you check out Hersh's post called Don't Put Your Life on Hold. I find it very helpful today and every day. It took some of us a long time to get to this point, where we became powerless and needed help. So, it may well take us a long time to grow up as well. This is a step by step program and is up to each of us to work at our own pace. I personally can guarantee you that it is a wisely planned program and applies to all of life, all difficulties....at least this is my opinion, which only strengthens as I go on.
I hope you'll keep coming back, lilms :) Anyway, where can you find a chat room so caring, sincere, and loaded with fun at times?
It's great you have a good mix of people in your f2f group. My sponosor helped me with my illusion that IF my A ever found sobriety that all would be well and my life would be normal. Alcoholics are still alcoholics whether drinking or not, the "isms" are still there. This is also where we read about "dry drunks," those who don't drink and don't have a program. The wonderful thing she did share with me is that with her spouse (20 yrs sobriety w/ AA) they now speak the same "language." That there is an earnest effort on both their parts, but that they both have old behaviors they work on.
I think sometimes we have the hope that once the alcohol is removed that the person becomes normal...whatever that is. The fact is that they can still be selfish, immature, abusive etc. I've never known my A w/out the affects of alcohol, I've often wondered if he ever found sobriety, would I even like him. Maybe he's just like that even without alcohol.
The bottom line is that I am here for me. I am here to learn, heal and grow. That is my desire, whether he continues to drink or not - I want serenity and balance in my life. I want to rid myself of old behaviors that I don't need and work towards living this life that I have. It just got so tiresome trying to change things to what I wanted them to be and being so bumbed out that my life wasn't working out as I had planned (of course it was all his fault, lol) I wasted so much time, years, that I'll never get back. I missed so much. But no more. I am free to live and let live. What a relief, alanon gives me that. I'll be a lifetime member
Here is something to consider. If an Alanonner had to pick up a white chip after every slip (as AA'ers do) how many would you have? Personally I could wallpaper my entire home .
A few weeks ago on the way to a f2f meeting, I was asking myself the same question. Some people say there is no such thing as a coincidence...
at the meeting was a woman in her late 80's. She was one of the founding members of al-anon in my area. She was married for 50 years with her husband sober for 40 years of their marriage. Her husband died 3 years ago and she still attends meetings once or twice a month. When asked why, she said "Because I am here to improve myself and noone else; and self-improvement takes a lifetime."
I get frustrated sometimes thinking that I am the only one in the relationship working on change, but perhaps the changes in myself would be necessary whether I were in a relationship or not? Either way, I am a happier person for doing the work.
I was 39 yrs old when I finally got in the program of recovery, so I have 39 yrs. of "stinking thinking" to undo. That kind of change does not happen over night!!! On September 3, 2006, I will have 3 yrs in Al-Anon - so I have 36 yrs before I will even out the scale - then my former sponsor said I could start thinking about if I had enough time in the program to "graduate" HA!HA!HA!
My AH has 3 plus years in AA, he is very active in his recovery. We both are - But we still can get on each others nerves in a heartbeat - Our programs help us learn to take life, our marriage, our children, grandchildren, jobs and everything else - One Day At A Time.
That is why I keep coming back and my friends in my home group promise to always save me a chair,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
This is why in our opening we talk about our attitudes. Our growing. Our thinking.
We persue Al Anon for us. Reguardless of the choices of the alcholic, we need to realize--and continue to realize--that we are individuals seperate from the alcholic and their alcholism. So we keep coming back. And if, by some mericle, the alcholic chooses to persue recovery, theres a whole new set of problems. The alcholic will change how they react, how they feel, how they live, and so all the things we took for granted about them are no longer viable or applicable. So now we are faced with the fact that we need to change our reactions, too.
That's the disaster of alcholism. Because we get sucked in to "fixing" or trying "To fix" the alcholic and the affects of the alcholism we lose our ability to really see our situation as it is (an alcholic I know with 18 ys of continuous sobriety calls the time he spent in active disease "my 23 years of active insanity" for this exact reason--everything he did was insane and everything people did to try to stop him was absolutely insane, because him and other people were trying to control a disease that is about, at its core, the loss of control).
It's also important to realize that as we continue to get to know ourselves and get comfortable in our skin we will learn more about ourselves. I did my first 4th step 12/2004; now I'm doing another 4th step of sorts, where I'm looking at a very deep and personal level how the dynamics of my alcholic home have affected the way I relate to other people in relationships, how I relate to institutions, how I look at the world when I am in distress, and the type of living I do when there is no distress. These are very eye opening experiences that wouldn't come about if I was basing my recovery terms on an alcholic's dedication or lack thereof to AA/behavior modification programs.
Lastly, it's important to realize that Al anon is fun. We here in Dayton tomorrow are having a district wide round up for all of the al anon groups in Dayton/Cinncinnati area. Over Memorial Day, Al Anon/AA had the annual Doc John's memorial BBQ--dual leads and everything. For alot of us it was these types of functions that we learned how to be social again--for so long we had shut our selves out of going to movies, going to dinner, going out period because the alcholic would get drunk and embarass us and we felt we couldn't do anything without the alcholic; therefore these kind of forums allow us to get re-integrated back into the socal fabric of society in a safe way. Everyone at these functions are in AA/Al Anon, they're all working programs and even if we make complete fools of ourselves, someone there is gonna take us aside and say "Honey, I remember when I was exactly where you're at right now..." And they're gonna tell us how they got comfortable doing things like going to restaurants--even if the alcholic got drunk; going to movies--without the alcholic. And these were so important to me, I had spent so long taking care of and trying to control my alcholic father I had no idea how to behave in a social situation that bombing out in these situation was the best thing I could ever do. People were loving, forgiving, they knew where I was at in the process, and they loved me right through my embarassmend and they didn't let me beat myself up.
Keep up with those f2fs. Get yourself a sponsor. Work the steps. You'll find your way.
"The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step." ~Lao Tzu, THE ART OF WAR
)
