The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading your posts for a while now. I have an alcoholic 23 year old son. He has been to rehab twice-once at at a state facility and most recently through the Army's ASAP program. He joined the Army in May of 2005 after we had kicked him out of the house for the second time in two years. He had a girlfriend since high school (very religious, non drinker) who thought she could help him and was there to rescue him both times. When he finished basic training and AIT in September, they married and moved to his base. He started drinking again, got a DUI on Christmas Eve, and she left him on New Year's Eve. Their divorce was final in March. He went to the hospital in his base town with alcohol poisoning, the army sent him to rehab, and of course he was drinking again after rehab. He came home two weeks ago--"chaptered out" of the army, whatever that means with a general discharge. He planned (on his own) to attend college in the town where I grew up, and had asked my father if he could live in a home he still owns there. Things were ok for a few days--he went to meetings and seemed to want to sober up. He started drinking a week ago and when he sobered up, his father, two brothers and I told him that if he drank again he would have to leave. Needless to say, it happened on Monday. My husband dropped him off in town, with him begging for another chance. He has since ridden the bus to the town where I grew up, and is staying atmy father's house. My father lives in a town about 1.5 hours from there now. I have a sister, a brother and a sister in law who live nearby. They know his history, and I have asked them NOT to feel sorry for him and provide for him.
I know that I am powerless over him and his alcohol, and I trust God who is my HP to take care of him/me. I guess what I don't know is if "kicking him out" was the right thing. I truly believe it was right for the rest of us--we couldn't live with a drunk anymore. I worry that since he is at my father's, with aunts and uncles nearby, he still won't "be responsible" for himself.
My younger brother died on January 2, 2005, two days out of rehab for oxycontin of an overdose of oxycontin. Ironically, he was at my father's house, and needlessly to say, beyond the heartbreak of losing a son, my father was riddled with guilt that he wasn't there to stop him. I worry about my father, who is 82 and loves my son so much. I worry that he will enable my son, and that my son will take advantage.
I haven't been to a f2f meeting--I plan to attend one tomorrow.
So glad you are posting. I am so sorry for what you are going through. My A is my husband and I cannot imagine having a son going through this pain. You are doing the right thing, for you. I am so glad you found ALANON. You will like the face to face meetings, too. But, the main thing is you know that you are not alone. We tend to feel nuts dealing with others problems, especially those that we love. But people here will help you.
Earlier this year I was feeling so down, and had no idea that ALANOn would help me so much. I am feeling so much better and stronger. I wish and pray the same for you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Hi Sunnymom.... and welcome to MIP - we are glad you posted, and hope you will find a lot of love, experience, etc. from the great people on this board...
As to your question of whether or not it was the 'right thing to do' re: kicking your son out.... I would suggest that it likely was, in that alcoholics need to feel the consequences of their behaviors.... If we are continually giving them 'soft landings', we prolong the process, rather than allowing things to happen as they will happen...
The other thought, is that you are only responsible for yourself, and your choice of behaviors & attitudes towards your son's addictions.... You are as "powerless" over your father, and whether or not he chooses to enable your son - as you are over your son and his addiction.... I would simply encourage you to learn all you can, and offer the same learnings, books, education to other family members.... Some will choose to learn, and do the so-called "right" things with respect to his addictions, while others may not.
Take care...I hope your son chooses sobriety.... and I hope that you choose recovery for yourself as well, through the doors of Al-Anon, sponsorship, posting on these boards, etc...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow, the heartache you are feeling in horrible...I am kinda worried about your 82 yr old dad...he is not going to stop until he is ready....and he can't even tell you when that....Will your dad be ok living the life you did.....
I wish you some peace of mind...it takesg some people several rehabs to get it, the thing is the getting it.....
Welcome to this wonderful group. I hope you can make it to a meeting here there are some twice a day. I find them a great solace when I can get to them. Sometimes I can't because of work commitments but I post pretty regularly. I hope you will keep working on you and your own issues and stop worrying about others. I have a sister who is an alcoholic and I have really had to go to therapy to work on some of my issues with her. I found a lot of support and care there.
