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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Fighting the urge to call...
Post Info TOPIC: Fighting the urge to call...
AlaMom


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Fighting the urge to call...
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I talked w/ my husband last night.  Rather I should say lectured my husband last night yet again regarding some financial issues.  I am in the process of seperating out joint account.  I have told him this.  I left enough monies in the joint acct. to cover what was out there.  Hubs took some money out so he could eat dinner as he was working evening shift.  I know I should not be lecturing and letting things fall where they may and allowing him to deal with the consequences as they are his bills that the checks are out for.  I did call to apologize for lecturing him as it was not my business.  He cut the conversation short telling me he would call me back.


He did not call and I have yet to hear from him today.  I can theorize all day as to why but in the end it does not matter.  I am trying to break the pattern I have of reaching out first to him.  Each time I do I show my weakness and inability to keep healthy boundries.  Each time I reach out and let down the guard I am one step closer to pushing a decision that needs to take its time in making .  Although I need to listen to what my heart and head have to say combined - I cannot allow one or the other to weigh to heavily as I will surely make the wrong decisions.


I miss my husband, but in fact I have been missing him for the past year.  Although we lived together, we havent had much of a relationship as a result of this disease.  And I miss that as well.  Now that he is out of the house I am trying not to go into that panic - I need you mode which I have in the past.  I am trying each minute to turn it over to my HP and not succumb to a moment of weakness that I will regret later.


Karen


 


 



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hersh


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(((Karen)))


This is SO hard.  I know, I try not to call first every day too!!!  It is the most challenging thing, to break that "neediness".  My husband hardly ever calls me, and the only thing I can suggest is that if you smother love, it ruins it.  That's what I try to tell myself.  The more I put myself out there, for him to KNOW that I will always be there, always, no matter what, NEEDING him way too much, the more he will take advantage of that.  It is a really hard thing to do, to worry about something else, detach, make YOURSELF feel better.  You can do this, though.  Just know you are not alone.  I am getting better, but it is taking severe willpower and practice.  AND prayer... which it sounds like you are doing....


Good luck and love to you!!! 


HeidiXXXX



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Dolphin123


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((((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))),


When I found myself wanting to call my "A" I would keep myself busy. When I knew that he was at our neighbors house getting high, I wanted to so badly go knock on the door and tell him to get his a** home. But I knew that would do no good, so I just kept myself busy, I cleaned alot :).


Take it one minute at a time.


Yours in Recovery,



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Rita G


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((Karen))


Sending Hugs & Encouragement your way, Remember This to shall pass (wish I could tell you when, but I can't-trust in your HP -rely on HP to get you through it)


Rita



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RamzDear


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Amazing..I was going through that fighting the urge to call issue today.last night saw me lecturing and trying to demean my A as i hadn't done in a long time.I referred to it in my post as "losing my mind". I turned off the phone for the entire morning and refused to call. I don't know if this applies to you but i can tell when he's been drinking and listening to the slurs,muffled speech and what-not..just angers me even more. It makes my crazy notion of trying to talk some sense into him and control the situation OH SO much more futile.


Thanks to posting, I came to my senses. I need my mate as well....but as you've acknowledged yourself...the weakness of one's heart makes one do the most unwise things. Stay strong.This too shall pass.It's better to pull yourself back to a place of sanity and calm then to rush out into traffic and get stomped. My goodness how many times have I given in and felt even WORSE (as if I took half a dozen steps back).


Take care and keep your resolve strong.Ram.



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Andrea12


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Dear Karen,

I can so understand and feel your pain dear friend, first of all just try and sit down and breathe, just breathe deep..try and keep busy, maybe just do something special for yourself....anything....

When I lived thru the very situation you are in right now....At first I cried, then I was mad, your normal emotions...Then a funny thing happened, I felt relaxed....I wasn't a nervous wreck anymore....I didn't have to worry....and the worrying about an active addict/alcoholic is hell...plain and simple....

I am sending you prayers for a little serenity.....just a little to help guide you today...just for today dear friend.

Best Wishes,
Andrea

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nmike


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Karen,


My AH always says I will call you - usually in a couple of days. I think that this is his way of controlling the situation. Half the time he doesn't call. We lecture, we get mad, we screw up but I am told that in recovery you are going to make alot of mistakes. I miss my husband too. This separation was his choice. I too go right for panic but I am learning to have my plan ahead time. Keep busy, call a friend (lots of calls), cry when I need to, and when all else fails, just be. I know for you and for me our decision will review itself.


In supoort,


Nancy



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MsSteph


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UGH! I feel your pain!   It's driving me nuts.  I moved out in April, split the account, got my own place the whole thing.   We stayed/stay friendly enough and he's been calling every day at least 3 times a day.   Not saying much really just checking in.   Well a few days went by where he didn't call.  Or only called once, or "sounded strange".  My mind did not/does not need to go on that trip.  It's been driving me nuts.  So I've been calling him first from time to time and it does not feel right at all.  My therapist says I need to get my eyes off him, put the focus onto myself.  I know she's right but it's so hard. 


 


 



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