The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well yesterday I had one of those old fashioned "Poor me" parties.
Hubby was driving me crazy (or was that my reaction to him?), work was same old same old, .... On and on it went. I was in a foul mood, and although I wasn't arguing with anyone, I was just miserable. I went to work feeling sorry for myself. I mean after all, I've done everything for hubby while he was active, and now that he's sober. I do everything for work, and how do I get treated? Why is everything such a struggle? I found myself asking God: "When is it my turn? After all the good I have done for everybody, when is it payback time?" Boy was I in a state. At work I was determined that I would be miserable at home. Nothing was going to ruin my foul mood. Well hubby did ruin it. He had dinner cooked. Darn him!
This morning I got up feeling really good. The was out and the temperature perfect. I realized something. I was being so selfish asking HP when is the payback coming? The "payback" already came. I stopped and looked back at this past year.
1. I escaped the fire we had in our apartment complex. 11 years ago I looked at one of the apartments that was destroyed by the fire. My coworked lost almost everything. That could have been me had I not decided to take the one in the 1 building that was not affected by the fire at all. How lucky could I be?
2. I have escaped the floods this past week. So I had to boil water for a week. Big deal. That's nothing in comparison to family and friends that have lost everything. I'm on my way to help a friend try and salvage more of her things. I may get dirty, but big deal. How fortunate am I that I chose the apartment that is on a hill, as well as the one that has really good drainage?
3. I have escaped the death of my husband. He died and came back last month. I could have lost him forever. He is now sober and in recovery, working harder than ever. When I think that at my tender young age I could be a widow, it just blows my mind. There were so many times when he was in the hospital that he wasn't going to make it. I was preparing myself to say goodbye. But here he is, sober and alive. Why God decided that it was not his time (when all the doctors said by all accounts he should be), I'll never know. To hear him in the morning talking to our beloved Pipers Kitty, brings tears to my eyes. I never thought I would hear that again. But how lucky can I be?
I have been blessed more than once this year by God. That is the payback. HP is looking after me and my family. I only have to stop and count my blessings to remember those things. My gratitude list is long, including my great family here.
Love and blessings to all you and your families.
Live strong and grateful,
Karilynn, Hubby and Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I loved your post, it made me laugh and you hie on some thoughts that I have had in the past.
Karilynn wrote:
Well yesterday I had one of those old fashioned "Poor me" parties. Hubby was driving me crazy (or was that my reaction to him?), work was same old same old, .... On and on it went. I was in a foul mood, and although I wasn't arguing with anyone, I was just miserable. I went to work feeling sorry for myself. I mean after all, I've done everything for hubby while he was active, and now that he's sober. I do everything for work, and how do I get treated? Why is everything such a struggle? I found myself asking God: "When is it my turn? After all the good I have done for everybody, when is it payback time?" Boy was I in a state. At work I was determined that I would be miserable at home. Nothing was going to ruin my foul mood. Well hubby did ruin it. He had dinner cooked. Darn him!
I giggled when you mentioned him runing it by cooking dinner. Hehe, my "A" has done that as well. I am thinking on the drive home how much I have to done that day and that I don't want to come home and cook dinner and pick up the house, and then lol I walk in the door and see the tidy living room and smell dinner in the oven.
I think for me it is just old resentments keeping a hold on me. Just becaus eit wsa like that in the past doesn't mean that it will be the same way again.
I have to remember that he is a work in progress just as I am.
And then there are the blessing of HP, just as you were able to see. HP gives us so much. And it is so helpful when we are able to see that.
Keep coming back. Your posts have helped me.
Yours in Recovery,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I am laughing so hard reading your post - early in the program I was having one those days, went to a meeting and someone shared about a gratitude list - said when they felt the "poor, poor me's" their sponsor made them write a alphabet gratitude list - (Something you are grateful for that starts with A, starts with B, etc.) Went home that night, still feeling blue, thought I'd give it a try - I didn't make it half way through the alphabet, I was saying to my HP - I'm so sorry I was so ungrateful -
Sometimes I have to feel those feelings of sadness and disappointment, then sometimes I have to change my perspective and change my attitude to an attitude of gratitude.
So glad that your HP is blessing you and your family with wonderful things!!
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
What a needed, beautiful post. It is so true, I was thinking the same thing yesterday, to be grateful. Things have been really really shaky this year with AH, relapsing. It has been at times sheer hell. BUT, he did not die. Maybe he will try to get help, maybe not? I don't know what to expect. But, I have learned through this experience that it is okay. Things will work out if I let go and let God. I deserve a beautiful life, and I know I am capable of helping others in this life. I am happy that I am sober, and have been for two years. Gratitude is a wonderful thing. I have ALANON now to help me with my situation. I can learn something new every single day!!! There are many wonderful friends to meet, every single day! People need help, and are willing to give help if I ask.
And God is there with all of us, every step of the way. What a blessing and a gift that we have....
I too was on the pity pot all weekend. Had 4 days off and wanted to so badly do some fun stuff and to not waste the time off. Of course the flooding here cancelled many activities, the A was still drinking though he was claiming to stop all week in preparation for the long weekend, then we were going to go out Monday night to races and fireworks he instead got lost with an A friend junk picking (through flood damaged stuff people were throwing away). In my desperation to make the weekend fun I instead bitched all weekend and drove the fun away.
I too should be grateful A did not die two years ago or since due to his very poor health. I should be grateful he keeps trying and has in fact changed for the good a great deal over the years in his respect and treatment of me and how he now puts paying bills as a higher priority. I should be happy I have a job that gets me by and of course I should be happy I did not lose anyone or any of my belongings in the recent flooding either.
Your post has reminded me that I have much to be grateful for and I need to keep that in mind each and every day. Thank you.
Karilynn, we met this morning in the chat room; I hope you remember. I was expressing my impatience with the ongoing self-pity party I'd been throwing for myself and you mentioned that you posted just this morning about self-pity. I'd like to thank you and Kerry5 and the others who so welcomed me and encouraged me--this whole recovery adventure is a new one to me.
Anyway, I did come back here to read this post and afterwards I did some heavy-duty reflecting about what I have to be grateful for. If I can manage to look through the veil of misery I have enveloped myself in, I can look at my two wonderful children and be MOST grateful for them. I started to make a mental list of people and things I have to be grateful for and an amazing thing happened-an epiphany, actually. I realized that no matter how miserable, fed-up, hopeless, depressed and unworthy I may feel, I can lift my spirits by letting my thoughts touch on those people and things that bring light into my world. For a few hours today, at least, I let go of the oppression I live under and enjoyed, REALLY ENJOYED the day and the trivialities that it's consisted of so far. Even the small, automatic things gave me pause. Thank you for opening up my eyes to that. Oftentimes I feel very selfish for indulging in self-pity.
I am learning so much just reading through these boards. I also realize I have a frightening journey ahead of me, but this website, the message boards and the chat room are giving me hope. I decided fifteen minutes ago that I'm not even going to give tomorrow a glancing thought just yet; I have to make it through today and I think I'm off to a decent start.
Thank you for permitting me to relate this very small step.
I am grateful every day for my pets who although they are such hard work (one has a bad tummy at the moment) bring me such joy and affection. My A is not an affectionate person, he is sweet to the animals but rarely shows me much. I thrive in my animals love.
I think I often live on the edge of a resentment. I had to job hunt recently (well I am still job hunting) I do it on the edge of resentment and self pity. Poor me, when I do not have to contend with illhealth any more. My health has been so bad these past few years and I am now in a remission of sorts. I am grateful for it but I can still revert to poor me and poor me generally leads to some kind of in-action. I don't even consider stuff like floods or fires. I once lost everything in a fire and I know how that is. I've also lost stuff to burgalry, friends stealing things and more. Those are all things that happen in life I do not have a big target sign on my head.
I've had my share of good luck and my share of bad luck. July is generally better for me because I don't have as many triggers. Do you think I appreciate that not much really. I just walk around "poor me".
I know last year I worked with a woman who alienated everyone with her "poor me's". I try not to show them to others but I am sure they flip out and I know it alienates people. I try to make lists of gratitudes and I am grateful to be alive (I wasn't for a long long time) but I do tend to revert to the poor-me's it is something I need to be vigilant about.
.... On and on it went. I was in a foul mood, and although I wasn't arguing with anyone, I was just miserable. I went to work feeling sorry for myself. I mean after all, I've done everything for hubby while he was active, and now that he's sober. I do everything for work, and how do I get treated? Why is everything such a struggle? I found myself asking God: "When is it my turn? After all the good I have done for everybody, when is it payback time?" Boy was I in a state. At work I was determined that I would be miserable at home. Nothing was going to ruin my foul mood. Well hubby did ruin it. He had dinner cooked. Darn him! 
was out and the temperature perfect. I realized something. 
I was being so selfish asking HP when is the payback coming? The "payback" already came. I stopped and looked back at this past year. 
