The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Number one-I started hounding my A as to when he was going to call around for treatment centers after I collected many references. Every hour I saw him get more drunk I would ask when,when,when he would call. It's a neccessary step in him keeping his state professional license this summer (a patient may have called him in..we still don't know) He promised for the last four days to call..and just finds every obvious excuse to not do so. I'm so desperate to have him save himself and ease this ugliness in my life..I've lost my mind.
Realization-I damn well know that until they are ready...it does no good. Goodness knows I SHOULD be smart enough to know you don't ask anyone who's drunk ANYTHING of importance.
Number two-out of the blue I just glared at him and asked"Are you hitting the hard stuff??".He was shocked and mumbled something about staying with the beer and I should know better. I wanted to spit at him. I wanted to scream at him.I wanted to grab him by the *&&&**'in collar and drag him to a mirror and shove him at it ans scream"Look at what you look like!!!!! You're a fool. You're sick,you're sweating..how the **&^* can you twist yourself into some pathetic sick creature in the course of a few hours on pure beer!!!!" He started a fight with his truly equally sick ex-wife(she is certified bi-polar on lithium and has nightmarish harassing episodes) on the phone..and with his slurring and cussing and yelling he gives her more fuel to burn. I wanted to lecture him like a child and tell him his faults in creating more garbage when he's drunk;it's not just the rest of the world. I didn't say these things but damn it if I didn't shoot him nasty looks and speak in the most harsh tones in an attempt to ...I don't know what I was attempting. I just wanted to hurt him.
Realization-this is a man I love. I hold him dear and this is a fight he's struggling with and for all of the positive support I've been trying to give..it's a horrible way for me to try to hurt him..and that is one thing we learn to not do.
Number three-after half an hour I was sick enough to try to approach him and asked him if he wanted a hug or a kiss.It was my feeble attempt to get across to him that I still loved him.Iwas slipping into the same old crap of taking responsibility of making things as comfortable as possible so he's happy...me taking the blame for eveything...me thinking if I relax and leave him be,he'll come around. My feet are itching to dance to a same old jig of insanity and it's discouraging to say the least.He was disgruntled to say the least(can't say I blame him) but I found it hard as hell to leave him be as he walked to the bedroom to pass out.
realization-I can't engage in this madness of trying to control this grown man's life.I can't reason with an unreasonable state of being.
I just feel like I lost my everlovin' mind,ya know? It's like I have been simmering in tears and schemeing and frustration and trying to work a program on MY terms.I've been trying to detach but I get my peepers on the man, lose my faith that the pain will subside in my life and desperately strike out.
See...I know what resembles the right things to do and not to do..I find that a comfort. I just blew a 'tire' today and if my mistakes for today alone don't remind me that I need to work this program the way it was MEANT to be worked instead of the way I IMAGINE it to be...then I'm truly self-doomed.
hi and welcome, ok did anything you did do any good?
The three C's come to mind big time here. Did not cause it, cannot control it, cannot cure it.
How many times will we beat our head into a wall to move it, to realize it cannot be done?
If we do anything, it is to take care of us and stop looking at what the A does at all. I found, for me, it is NONE of my business. What he does with his life is no different now than before i met him. Just becuz we have a relationship I have no right to try to change him.
I sure don't want anyone changing me. In fact it would make me feel so unloved. I am an adult, I know who I am and my faults and good things.
It would not make me want to change having someone in my face.
Of course it drives us crazy to try to change someone else. It cannot be done. So what makes us keep trying?
Maybe you could take one day, just one day, do not mention or deal with the A in any way at all. Just treat him like you would a person ya just meant. Treat him like the man he is, not the behavior of the A disease.
and or take care of you, read, watch a movie, whatever, quit focusing on his stuff.
You said something very wise in your post..NEVER try to ask them anything important when they are drinking. That was one of my very first tips I learned. The first was DON'[T argue with them when they are drunk.
And through your post I read frustration and I can totally relate. I feel the very same way many days..just want answers. ...jsut want a commitment of WHEN and HOW he plans to do something about his problem. The truth is, it realy is HIS problem. My only problem is how I allow it to eat me up. I can detach...accept...let go and MYOB and I'll be a whole lot happier.
One little trick I use sometimes when I have had totally ENOUGH. I type him a letter. I pour out my thoughts, my questions, shave my support and either delete or print it out and hand it to him. That way he cant throw it back at me and say I yelled at him. He can read it more than once and maybe the words will sink in instead of swooshing in one ear and out the other. And he can't see only negative from me. If he wants to talk about my letter, he will come to me. If not..i have said my peace and can let it go. It's in HIS ball court now.
I started hounding my A as to when he was going to call around for treatment centers after I collected many references. Every hour I saw him get more drunk I would ask when,when,when he would call.
Although I do not have an A spouse, I have an A son, it is true with any A.
I believe (only since Alanon) that they have to be left to their own recovery. I have found with my son in the beginning that I gave him ultimatums to get into recovery. He went to an extensive outpatient program. It did absolutely no good what-so-ever. I use to help him find jobs that I thought he would like and that would be good for him. If he didn't do it all by himself I felt more like a failure than he did when it did not work out. I have learned that I cannot be a part of his recovery in any way. I am only taking care of myself. I don't discuss his drinking habits with him anymore. I don't ask him where he is if he calls me anymore. Letting it all go is so freeing to me.
I know the letting go part is much harder when you are the spouse and living with an A. I hope you will take some of the esh that you got from other spouses to heart. If you are willing to stay with your A spouse then you must do whatever it is to take care of you. I believe that is probably the best way you can help your A.
You aren't the only one who blew a tire, lol, I did the same last night. What I read in your post is that you know what your suppose to do/not do, but just couldn't do it. We all have those moments and the regret/irratation at ourselves later -- I sit here with them now. The thing that is positive is that your aren't justifing them. That is a good thing. Often I end post like yours with "see all the things I know? lol" It's just putting them into practice that can be difficult. One day at a time. Progress not perfection.
What helps me is removing myself from the situation when I start feeling those controling feeling. Sometimes I just go in the bathroom and talk to God/Hp. Other times I go out in the back yard to the woods and I yell out all my frustrations -- I'm sure I look insane doing that, but it saves me from having to make amends later.
It is so true about the "dance" I really love how you put that. I have an tough time with that also. First I want to zap my A, then I want to help him feel better. What is that? lol I'm so glad you took time to post.
I hope posting made you feel a little better.....I totally get it, he makes you crazy....
The thing is, not a damn thing you can do about him.....you can however, help yourself...with knowledge and understand we learn no to live in the world of addiction with the alcoholoc.....I learned to seperate myself...live my own life........
This did not come easy and it took me a few months just to be able to get out in the world again, I did and wow, I actually remembered that life is good......
Please, keep coming back, look forward to talking to you in chat......Help yourself Dear Lady........let him deal with the consequences of addiction all on his own.....stop cleaning up for him...you will feel better about yourself...
