The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have noticed lately I have been moody and grumpy. Been taking some time today just read a bunch of post and see if any of them relate to things going on in my life. But didn't see anything that triggered what I am feeling so I decided to post.
My A bf came to stay with me and try to make a go of it. Things have been going better. But now I am faced with a decision, do I want to drive him back to another state and pay for the gas and wear and tare of my car there out of my own pocket or tell him to figure out his own way home. I miss his son very much his is like my own, and I do love him and would love to see him. SO I think a part of me feels guilty for not wanting to go down there. But a part of me thinks why should I have to be the one to pay for the trip.
I am as of today getting my finances finally straighted back around. Since he has been back he has gotten a job. I have been focused on trying to get my stability back financially thanks to alot of prayers to my HP and my HP finally opening a door for me to get it straighted back around. While he was to focus on what he needed too, financially. But in the back of my mind the thought of his upcoming pending DUI case keeps coming back into my mind is he going to have the funds, is he going to go to jail! My mind takes me back to where I used to be and I have to start all over again in my way of reacting to different situations and to start thinking about things before I react.
I have said many times since joining recovery I have no way of knowing how this is going to end for my HP to decide my journey down my road has all kinds of turns and circles in it. I know I can't help who I fall in love with. I know I can't change who he is. I know I can't control him or any situations involving him. I know it isn't my place to fix him. But I think the reason why I am so grumpy is I have seen the side of him I hadn't seen in a long time and now the thought of him leaving when things are going better really is hurting me inside. I feel myself pushing away and trying to shut down again. Thing is so has he and asked me about it yesterday. My honest answer to him was "I really didn't know why". Has anyone else experianced this? I know in my HP time the answers will be reveiled to me. But patience has been something I have been ok with but never great at. So I guess you could say that is also a learning experiance for me too. LOL Sorry so long just needed to vent.
I am so new to al-anon. I wanted to respond to your post because of something you said in your last paragraph: "
I think the reason why I am so grumpy is I have seen the side of him I hadn't seen in a long time and now the thought of him leaving when things are going better really is hurting me inside. I feel myself pushing away and trying to shut down again."
I know that feeling, all of those feelings. There is peace for us, that is our promised path. I was bitter about many things that my Sweetie did in the past and didn't know it. I only knew that I would get angry at him during times that he was the sweetest to me. I grew frustrated with that. June 29th is the day my life changed. I read Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics. The entry basically told me to let go of my crappy thoughts and beliefs because they are in the way of my recovery. The sentence that changed my life was "My recovery is not dependent upon the resolution of yesterday's problems." I didn't realize that I had resentments against my Sweetie. It was enlightening for me. I let everything go and spoke freely of all the mean behaviors he and I did to each other... we've healed much in the past 6 days, but it's only a beginning. Recovery is a life-long journey. I will remember that entry every day if I have to in order to keep my sanity. :)
I don't know where I was going with all of this. I just wanted to share too--with you. At least know that you're not alone.
Oh, life with an A. I consider it a gift that I fell in love with an A. What a ride! You mentioned alot of things and alot of decisions. Sometimes you have to separate issues. For my A and I, we have agreed to talk about the children (grown) because we both care for them. I think that you have to make sure the children are in a good place. Just a thought.
