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Hi all! I am fairly new to alanon....have started working the steps.....and have also committed to learning as much about alcoholism as possible so I can be understanding and patient with my AH.....i have two questions for anyone with some insight..... 1- If you feel confident you have accomplished a step, but later find you "slip up", did you really accomplish it? Is to err human the motto? For example, if you admit you are powerless and give it all to your HP with faith your sanity will be restored, is it okay when you still find yourself trying to fix things or shift them the way you want? I recognize it and try to catch myself, but its instinct, I guess. 2- Second is my biggest question to me "surviving" right now. I am reading and hearing alot about how alcoholism isn't just about drinking....it changes the person and their family. That the alcoholic isn't him/herself, and don't believe what they tell you. How extreme can this be? I am perfectly aware my husband has changed and I swear sometimes I can even hear the alcoholism has its own voice coming out....not my AH's. I can see through alot of lies and false hopes. I just wonder who comes out on the other end? How deluded is an alcoholic's thinking? My AH stopped drinking two months ago and has been attending meetings, but his choices for his life- including a desire to not be married to me anymore- seem so drastic and out of character. I know I shouldn't "change" anything for a year, but if he has moved out, how long do you let your heart wait to see what kind of person emerges? If anyone emerges. I won't need any talks re: he may not stay sober, or worry about/heal yourself now....I get all of that, but I am learning patience.....its my weakness, and tying your family's lives up in "who knows what"s gonna happen is so hard. Is there hope he will see things SO differently if he is already not drinking? Do his 12 steps have that much effect on his wishes/personality/love? I TRULY appreciate any insight, stories, advice any of you can give me right now. These questions weigh too heavy on me right now, and I need to let go of them. Thanks, Virginia
I can answer the first part of your post easily. We work the steps and they are not finished. I may have to work steps 1, 2, & 3 again every day. Life happens. Challenges drop in our laps. And again I find myself powerless. I have to admit to that powerlessness and turn it over to my HP.
So yes you can work a step and assume you ar finished and then have to do it again later. The cool part is...the more often you admit you are powerless over something....traffic, another persons words or actions, the weather, etc. the easier it becomes a part of your life. It does not mean you did not work it right the first time.
The second part of your post is a bit more complicated. It is true..thee alcoholics have to stop drinking and also change their personalities in some way such as working the steps. If not they ar on a "dry drunk". They are just a dry alcoholic. They still have the personalities that alcohol brings out inthem.
Working the steps is not what usually causes them to divorce. Its usually more complicated than that. It is sometimes the fact they were not happy for a very long time and the alcohol covered up the unhappiness and now they are not medicated and dont want to feel the unhappiness. Sometiems it is they want to make a fresh start and that includes putting everybody they associated with while drinking in the past. Sometiems it is jsut they dont really know what they want. They want to blame anybody but themselves and usually that blame falls on the person who loved them the most. There are probably 100 reasons why a newly sober alcoholic wants a divorce and I'd bet not many of them ar the fault of the spouse. Probably most of the reasons and excuses are just in the alkie's head.
If he has moved on...perhaps you need to do the same. One day he may wake up and see what he gave up and crawl back. Do you want to wait around to see if that happens? That's up to you.
So hang in there. Keep working your own program. focus on those thigns you CAN change and try to let go of the ones you cannot.
Aceptance for me is the key when I can't understand a WHY.
I too am a newbie. As a matter of fact, I haven't responded to anyone's posting yet. I plan on using this site for daily journaling. I need to write responses to what I read, or it just doesn't stick.
Anyways, I wanted to respond to your entry. Since I am so new, I don't have any ancient wisdom to share. But you said something that reminded me of one of my fears as a person who has codependent behaviors.
The alcoholic in my life is my boyfriend/fiance. (I have taken the ring off--tucked away in its box, in a drawer.) He has been trying to sober up for a little over 1 year. In the past, he's drank either every two weeks or he'll wait until he hits his 30 day. Yup, I've been frustrated. I'm learning now that it's not my place to have frustration--for my own peace.
At any rate, I do talk with him about splitting up after he's been sober for some time. I let him know that the possibility is there (the freedom is there at the very least). The possibility that he really doesn't know me enough to want to be with me, because he doesn't know himself. I have been unsure if he has been sober long enough to really enjoy the person I am, and who he is, and us. Booze gets in the way of truth. But those are my thoughts--I'm not an alcoholic that has reasons to share with you on why they leave.
I will say, however, that I met a man yesterday at an A.A. BBQ that said he left his wife after he sobered up because she wouldn't go to al-anon or A.A. He saw the importance of it. She wanted to keep her behaviors. He left.
I felt awesome to know that I started my own pragram in al-anon after hearing that. :)
I hope it's okay that I shared all this. I don't know anything at this point. I'm a sponge. I'm interested in hearing how your story prgresses.
Welcome to MIP. I am working my steps as well and taking my time this time because after being involved in Alanon for two years I still had a great deal of acceptance and surrendering to do. I don't think we are ever finished evolving and learning. The steps are here for us to apply them to everyday life and often now I'm saying a slogan silently to myself as I'm struggling with something through out my day. Applying the steps with regards to the alcoholic can be tough. I'm not sure what's tougher for me him continuing to drink and drunk and pretend everything is great with him and awful for me or having him sober and still believing everything is great with him and I'm to blame for all his unhappiness in life.
On you second question, if the A has chosen sobriety and committed to working a program it can take some time before the steps become a part of his/her life. My A is not working a program and has not made a meeting in almost two weeks. I see the big difference in him. He's moody, irritable, continuously blaming me, lying to himself and others to make him feel better about himself. Still spending too much money and lying about how much he brings in. Instead of spending it on alcohol and pot he spends it on other things. Its just something else to fill the void within his soul. Living with his problems sober or drunk can be too daunting and intense for me and the kids to bear some days. I often think of leaving... he thinks of leaving as well. This way he can continue his way of life without having to be responsible or accountable to anyone else. I agree that a newly sobered man who immediately wants divorce is again trying to avoid something. My A has been drinking for our entire relationship I believe its difficult for him to face marriage, intimacy, fatherhood, and responsibility sober. He often will say I'm not sure who I am or what my personality is. He has no clue where to fit in, especially at family gatherings. So while your A may say he wants a divorce now... I'd say work your program and stay calm because chance's are he doesn't really know what he wants or who he is right now. A different man may emerge into your life a year from now. Stay strong and take it ODAT.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
