The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i have been apart from my a/c for 3 months,this seemed to me the only way i could survive,as i am very new to this program,i have read the book courage to change ,which i find so helpful,the words are very incouraging.i think im doing well,until i meet up with certain members of my family,who i think have the upperhand at the moment (stronger) ,by the time they have finished telling me what or what i should not do i feel like im spinning.
my husband visits me every week as this is also the only time we see our new grandson,by the time hes left im tottally confused,he begs me to take him back,telling me he knows hes made a mess of things
i am torn between someone ive been married to for 36 yrs whom for the last 3 yrs has made me so unhappy,losing us nearly everthing we worked hard for,and family members telling me never to have him back in my life
can anyone tell me if they can turn around so quick,he has counciling once a week plus AA
There is no simple answer to your question, of course.... some A's "get it", relatively right away, and others never really do....
I'd encourage you to reflect on the actions of your A, and not just his words.... He is begging you to take him back, but what is he committing to? Is he committing to a life of sobriety, and 90 meetings in 90 days, or is he doing whatever he need to simply 'win you back' right now.... My experience has been, until they are truly committed to their sobriety, the latter is the most likely....
Speaking to members of your family about details here is very risky, especially if they are not in the program themselves.... Try your best to keep them as 'family', and utilize your 'recovery family' (i.e. Al-Anon, sponsor, this board, etc) as your sharing about what's going on surrounding the addiction stuff. Your family might mean well, but they can't know.....
I'd encourage you to continue your path of recovery, and find some serenity with yourself.... If your hubby really wants you back, he will earn his way back, via sobriety and actions, not just words.
Take care
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
its helps so much to talk to someone who knows exactly what im feeling,your kind words have put things in the right place,my piece of mind must come first,this im trying to learn,as im sure you know ,all i have done for 3 yrs is try to fix him,my life being on hold,i only joined you 3wks ago and already i dont feel alone any more,i only wish i had found the site a long time ago.
FIRST OFF I HAVE TO AGREE WITH CANADIANGUY WHO REPLIED TO YOUR POST
FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND THE REST OF THE WORLD HAVE OPINIONS AS TO WHAT YOU SHOULD DO WITH YOUR LIFE---YOU ARE PROBABLY THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS ALL THE FACTS---IT WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR DECISION---IF YOUR FAMILY TAKES YOU DOWN A PATH YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO-YOU MIGHT PRACTICE A PHRASE THAT WOULD POLITELY SAY "WELL ENOUGH ABOUT ME-HOW ARE YOU DOING"
YOU ASK IF A QUICK TURNAROUND HAPPENS-MOST OF THE FOLKS WITH EXPERIENCE WILL NO DOUBT SAY--CAN BUT SELDOM DOES
YOU KNOW MORE THAN ANYONE HOW LONG THIS TURMOIL HAS BEEN BREWING-YOU MENTIONED THREE BAD YEARS-I WILL NOT ASSUME THAT THERE WERE THIRTY-THREE GOOD YEARS---THE VERBAL PLEADING IS TYPICAL---I AM A BELIEVER IN "ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS" AND "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY"
THE SAD PART ABOUT SOBRIETY IS THAT PROOF IS MEASURED IN TIME--IT TAKES TIME TO PROVE INTENT--THIS TIME OFTEN LEADS TO ANXIETY AND CONFUSION
THIS LEADS AGAIN TO WHAT CANADIANGUY SAID-TALK ABOUT THESE KIND OF ISSUES WITH PEOPLE THAT CAN RELATE AND OFFER CONSOLATION BECAUSE SO MANY HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SAME SITUATION AND FOUND PEACE AND SOLICE
THERE ARE A LOT OF EMPATHETIC FOLKS HERE THAT YOU CAN HELP AND THEY CAN HELP YOU
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER---KEEP READING AND GET THE POWER---THERE IS STRENGTH IN NUMBERS AND THE FOLKS HERE CAN GIVE YOU THE NUMBERS...
thanx so much for you reply,already i feel i know what i should be thinking instead of my head just being puddled,you are so right ,the more i learn the more i can handle things,i wish i had found this site when things were at the worst ,just knowing you wonderful people are out there has brought me so much calmer with my self,some times you just need to hear the words from people who know just what you are talking about.
Just some stuff that helped me as a newcomer into Al-Anon. This is a disease with a spiritual solution. The alcoholic is sick not bad and we are as sick or sicker because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. We go thru the whole junk wide awake!!
You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it (3 c's). Don't fell bad about what you didn't do or guilty about what you did.
Go to ninety meetings in 90 days (if that is possible.) See if there is an Al-Anon hotline number in your local phone book and ask for help. Get a sponsor and start working this program.
People in the program know more about where you've been, where you're at and how you got there, and what it has taken them to get off the merry-go-round of this disease. Those out side of the program, no matter how well meaning, don't know and often times don't know that they don't know and will give advise anyway. Listen in the meetings or on this board.
Chances are if it took this long for the disease to progress this far with the alcoholic, you and the family the solution will not come over night although the desire might and the initial willingness also. Alcoholism is a disease of compulsion. It is a compulsion to drink even with the knowledge that he cannot and if he does everything around him gets broken. His desire to drink will be the strongest desire he will ever have, stronger than the desire to have a sane and happy life until now. When he gets really sober, he will know it and then you will know it. Until then get help for yourself and concentrate on that and take the focus off of fixing him. His counselor, sponsor, AA meetings and HP along with his capacity to be honest and his willingness to be sober will take care of that part without your help.
Ollie keep coming back here as often as you can because you need to be around those who have been where you are at and survived it and go thru the earlier suggestions and pick those you can follow up on for now. Come back to the rest later.
Take some ((((((hugs)))))) these work to let you know that you are not alone and don't have to be ever again. Welcome home.
When I first started coming to this board I thought no one knew what I was going through. Afterall look how long I have been married and can you believe he walked out after all those years together. And all those plans we made together. I have been married 32 years. Although my Ah has been sober a long time, he shows all the traits of an alcoholic. He bailed out on all our life plans. He is only interested in himself. So in Alanon we are told to focus on ourselves. Here we can make changes. And remember that you are not alone.
This is so true when i first found this board i felt like i was the only one to have been through this very tough time,then all these wonderful people wrote with thier experiences and such good advise,in the short time i have been here,i have learned so much.
when i think about being apart from someone you have lived with for so long ,i think its fear.just being in your own,but hopefully as i progress the fear will go.
(((((ollie))))) want you to know ... your in my thoughts and prayers. So glad you found Alanon. You are not alone. ((hugs))
This 12 step program just reaffirms and reaffirms.. its marvelous. I love that I have the "Tools of Alanon." (....and can grow stronger AND STRONGER with FAITH and having faith in MY *SELF by working the steps into my every day life) Tools that help me know the way I know is right *is right.... and better still is that it is "my" choice. HP/God is at my side 24/7. Knowing that. I can ...Let Go and Let God/HP. I can .... Keep it Simple. I can.... change my life and feel good Today. One Day at a Time. I am only one but have the support of so many others like me. Here. I have found ways to accept those things that I didnt cause, can not control and can not cure.
((hugs)) 
I love that I have the 
"Tools of Alanon." 
Knowing that. I can ...Let Go and Let God/HP. I can .... Keep it Simple. 
I can.... change my life and feel good Today. One Day at a Time. I am only one but have the support of so many others like me. Here. I have found ways to accept those things that I didnt cause, can not control and can not cure. 