The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After my last post on how the A is completly callous and cold towards me I took some much needed time for myself. I didn't get much work done on Friday, but was able to come in for a couple hours on Saturday and accomplish at least one major important task. I was able to finish my weekend stress free about it. I took a couple of hours Friday afternoon and drove around looking for house rentals, grabbed some books on houses for sale in my area. I spent some time analyzing where I would be at if I sold my home and got out on my own. Well, the prognosis was not good. Regardless of whether I stay in my current home or sell, financially I can't make it on the salary I currently bring in. So I'm asking for some prayers to find new employment. I have awoken from my contentment with my job and have found new ambition to start this side business and find something new with a much better salary. I have to be able to care for myself and my kids and I don't want to rely on the A for any help. If he does help out great but I can't count on it. That same Friday night he came home with a huge beautiful Equadorian rose and a wonderful card telling me about all the good things he thought on about us and that I'm his world and he doesn't want to be without me. It was wonderful to hear it and I needed to hear it after the week I had with him. None the less, I still feel bruised and I logically see now that his happiness with anything is short lived.
He may have some mental health issues but approaching this subject will take being gentle. I'm not ready to propose that he get an evaluation at this time. I spent the weekend keeping the kids out of his hair because he would have just yelled at them. Its sad that he can't find the ability to connect with them the way he used to. I have come to the realization that eventually his up and down mood will create turmoil for our children. They will not understand what to expect from their Dad. One minute he's happy the next he's a raving lunatic blaming everyone for his crappy attitude. This weekend I was able to stand up for myself and not feel guilty when he attempted to manipulate me. So until I can financially make it... I'm here working on my issues and my program working on staying happy and busy as much as I can. Thanks for the ESH and the prayers, you are all my extended family and I'm glad I have you all in my life to help keep it real and sane. Blessings.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I can definitely empathise with your position greatly. It mirrors mine in many many ways. My finances have been irrefutably tied with the A's for years. Last year was probalby one of the worst years of my adult life because of that. I detach from the A as best as I can day in day out. I have no doubt he is one selfish, self absorbed addict and that his moods are like a yo yo. I do not spend much time arguing with him these days but I am aware that he has very very little to offer in terms of nuturing, love, caring or even stability.
I know you are not going to beat yourself up over this. I know you are going to go on making a good life for your children and yourself and take every opportunity to work your program.
My prayers are with you during this time. I can relate to your situation as I, too was looking around for a place to live earlier this year. It is such a painful thing to realize that you may need to just get out on your own for your own sanity, after living with someone for so long. But, like you said, you never know what to expect living with an A and it is a horrid roller coaster. It is really hard because when your husband does things like giving you the rose and saying he can't live without you, that gives you hope and makes you begin to wonder, well yes this may just work out! That is all fine but action by them is what tells us whether they want to get better or not.
I pray for you, for your health and for your peace in this situation, and for your example to be for your children, and that they look up to you and realize that you have come to enjoy your life, and that is what life is here for! So sad that our As cannot grasp it, but it is a precious gift, this life.
I'll keep you in my prayers. HP will help find you the job situation that will help you.
I have at times thought about moving out on my own. In fact the apartment I am in now I rented without his knowledge. He found out about it when I started the whole packing process and when I called the landlord of our house to ahve my name removed from the lease. Well then all the promises started again. And not having a solid program I didn't set up great boundaries. He ended up moving with me. And a few months later ended up in jail.
In your shares I have heard how you are working on your boundaries and how you approach your "A" when they are crossed. Thank you for your honest shares with the group. I have really gotten alot out of them.
Keep working your program.
Yours In Recovery,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
