grieving - Al-Anon Family Group

omajoy · Veteran Member

grieving

dori · Senior Member

Hi

welcome to the forum. I am so glad you posted.Have you been to face to face meetings find one in your area and go .It is hard to watch some one we love destroy their lives and the sad part is we cant fix them.We cant take the pain or despair and make them whole.

We can gop to meetings and post and get a sponsor and work the steps and learn to cope.

I am GLAD you are here dori

CAM0914 · Veteran Member

Omajoy,

You made the first step by posting here.

I think a meeting would help you a lot. They will not judge you & will give you support you so desperately need. You don't have to speak, you can just sit & listen. Maybe look at some literature. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you have done NOTHING wrong.

There are also online meetings here which were very helpful for me. It sounds like you have a lot of wisdom & are handling it well. You just might need to vent.....

I'm glad you found this forum

Keep coming back!

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you are here. You are not alone. I encourage you to read How Alanon works for Famlies and Friends of Alcoholics (you can order it online). It really does a good job of explaining this program. It took me seven years to walk into a f2f meeting. I had fears, fears that my husband really was an A, fears that I would see someone who knew me, fears that if I let out the secret within me it would all just get worse -- because someone would know. Well I thank my Hp who I choose to call God that my pain got to the point that it was worth risking my fears to get help. And Help is what I found, a fellowship of people who really did understand.

There is no one type of alcoholic, they come in all shapes, sizes, and social classes. They can be bing drinkers, beer drinkers, or 24/7 drinkers, and it isn't uncommon for them to be "high functioning" in their job/life. They all suffer from the same problem, which is physical, spritual, and emotional in nature. It is an addiction and it takes priority. No amount of pleading, threatening, or bargining will work to get them sober. That is something that they have to want, and work at. We might want them to want sobriety, but we are powerless over them becoming sober. So what can we do?? That is what we learn in alanon.

Please keep coming back. There is hope here, and people who work their program that will share their experience and strength.

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi omajoy,
You're welcome............I'm glad you chose not to bear this awful time alone.....there are people here who do not have all the answers but who are very happy to listen and understand, and so share the burden with you. Hopefully,in time you will gain a different perspective and a strength to find a way forward for you.

I feel your son would be helped by talking to a face to face counsellor himself. When I was in the throws of depression myself I was urged daily by my very concerned sister to exercise, eat healthily etc....For a long while I wasn't very accepting of her advice, but she cared and she was gentle and eventually through her caring eyes I was able to see a way out. I started walking...an hour every day. I did it for six months (and lost weight!). Whilst doing this, I had time to think...rather than try to escape my thoughts, which I think is what your son may be trying to do. Sometimes when life is so bad, we just want to protect ourselves by escaping. Anyway, I realised slowly that I had to claw my way back...no one could do it for me. I went to a counsellor, although reluctant at first and got better (for now) in time.

So, my advice to you omajoy for now is to let him know you're there to support him. Be sensitive and give him time (he needs this)....but point him in the right direction....gently.......maybe mention a sporting activity he enjoys.........And the sooner he can do something for himself, the better his recovery will be.

And for yourself, be kind on yourself. This is a hard time for you and I know you feel frustrated at times. Try and absorb the fact that sometimes we can only accept. We can't always fix....no matter how much we want to.

I spend many years trying to fix, and refusing to give up. I wasted so much energy. I am now learning that I can't control nor fix for anyone else, no matter how much I love them.

I have to look after myself first. Otherwise I have no energy left for anyone else.

Keep coming back........

Sending you love,
AM

omajoy · Veteran Member

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I wrote a few phrases which struck me and taped them to my computer to continue to read and absorb. Just for today I will try to follow the advice, especially about acceptance. This site has give me great pain as I read some of the posts about others' situations, but I am blown away at the great heart and character so many of you display. It is just mind-boggling to see how many years many of you have been engaged in this battle. I believe in God and I trust that He will continue to guide me and direct me and my family if only we can calm ourselves enough to listen. Thanks again, everyone.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad that you are here. They have meetings here twice a day which are so so so very useful to me. I would also say that there are many many opinons by counselors. I don't much go by those who "tell" you what to do. Counselling is for me about being able to talk through my feelings not be told what to think and do.

I can appreciate your dilemma seeing your son destroy himself on some levels. I can also understand that you want to have some contact with your grandchild and that you have some investment with your former daughter in law. I can also understand that you have your own feelings about the custody issue. You are absolutley entitled to those feelings.

I am so happy that you posted here and put out here what you are dealing with. You will get a lot of support in this room. I have. I have got understanding, love, comfort and companionship and no one judged me ever. I never received one iota of judgement which is a lot of what I get in the outside world living with an A. That comfort companionship and the program helped me immensely with my shame.

I hope you will try an online meeting. All you have to do is go and greet the speakers to be present. There is enormous recovery within this fellowship. I have felt loved and cared for in ways I never have in my every day life.

Maresie.

frankie · Newbie

Just a few minutes ago I signed up and started reading postings. Your's has touched me because I am in a very similar situation. However I am the mother/wife. I have a 16 month old daughter and her father is an alcoholic. Yesterday was my 35th birthday and for my birthday I told my husband to leave as I can no longer continue to support him with his alcoholism. It is tearing me appart but I have no other choice. He must wake up and seek the help he needs, or kill himself on his own terms under his own roof because I can't watch anymore.

I have given him the ultimatum, alcohol or family. He chooses alcohol because he thinks I am crazy. You know he works hard all week, why can't he come home and down 6 or 7 beer after work............ it's just beer, I'm not at the bar, I'm at home, I go to work everyday, I pay my share of the bills, etc, etc, etc. That's not the point. I work full time to and I have 110% reliability for our daughter. I'm the one up in the night with her when she's teething or sick because I'm not "burnt out" like he is. That's just through the week, on the weekends he usually starts drinking between noon and 1pm and drinks 17 beer!!! This saturday after I woke from a nap with our daughter to find he had already had 8 beer by 4:30pm and told him no more in our home he sat in the basement and drank the remaining 10 beer that were left. No consideration for my feelings at all. His beer is first. Our daughter is sick with croup and I have a nasty head cold. She was up at 12:30am covered in vomit and I was changing bedding and trying to console her at the same time. Where was dad, passed out in his lazy boy. I was so angry inside I just wanted to scream.

So, I made arrangements for him to go stay at a friends place and told him to go. I think he was very surprised. However I don't think it will change anything. He has a very long and lonely road ahead of him. I've told him numerous times that I would help him with what ever it takes to get sober. He doesn't addmit he has a problem, remember I am the crazy one.

Maybe this will shine some light on how your ex-daughter in law is feeling. I don't know. She's lucky that you are ready to acknowledge your son has a problem. My mother in law is also an alcoholic. So when she gets wind of our situation, again I will be the crazy one.

I am sure your daughter inlaw is feeling very angry and hurt. It's not an easy thing to have your husband choose beer over family. I feel that in order to protect my daughter and give her the life she deserves I need to be away from her father as long as he is drinking. He can come and visit under supervision but no beer.

My mother is also torn and in the middle of this and tries very hard to stay out. She lives quite close and watches our daughter every Wednesday in our home. She's threatened me to stop helping because she can't watch the situation anymore, it's breaking her heart as I am her baby and my daughter is her first and only grandchild. They have a wonderful bond. I also fear the effect this is going to take on my daughter. I'm sure she is the one that will suffer the most. That is why I have to take action now. For her sake. She is the light of my life and deserves only the best.

I think you are one person that can maybe bring your son to the realization that he is where he is because he chose it. If he has any chance of reconciling with his wife and child he will have to be sober. That is just my oppinion. It's the only chance in my situation.

I have a long road ahead of me. I'm most likely going to have to move as I can't afford it here on my own. I am going to have to seek help for myself as I am very stressed, depressed and who knows what else. This is my first step. I have to help myself, and then if my husband is ever ready I can be stable enough to give him the support he will need.

I haven't even read the terms here, and hope I haven't crossed any. I just felt the need to reply to your posting as it was so simmilar to my situation and I guess I needed to get my story off my chest.

Stay strong and best of luck. Thanks for listening.

frankie

omajoy · Veteran Member

frankie, thank you so much for responding to my post. Yes, our situations are so alike, except for our relationship to the man involved. I appreciate hearing from the wife's point of view. My son's ex refuses to discuss it with me. She has not even told me the divorce is final although I know she knows my son told me (quite by accident, by the way.....it happened in less than 3 months which was shocking to me). She will talk about the baby and that is about it. I keep this precious grandchild daily while she works and she allows his Daddy to come to our house after work to see him IF she is having a good day. If not, she won't and will pick the baby up early or just tell my son he can't see him today. I hope you will try to remain friends with your in-laws if at all possible, especially if they love that little granddaughter. I feel that my son't ex is punishing him severely at this point. Perhaps she has to work her way through her own hurt and resentment somehow. I recognize that she is hurting and angry. But the promise was that they would co-parent and live close by one another and be there daily with the baby. As soon as the divorce was final, she changed and since she has full and complete custody, the heartbreak is unbearable. My husband and I are in the middle of this and don't want to be. We have to try and get a life back ourselves. If your mother-in-law was the caregiver for your daughter, what would you want her to do and be? Would you want her to continue caregiving? Would you remove the baby from her daily care? I know you said she is an alcoholic, too, so perhaps you cannot imagine this from my view. Anyway, may God touch and bless you in this very difficult time. I hope that somehow your husband will see the light and choose his family. You are in my prayers.

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

I am the mother of an A son also. He has been separated for about 9 months now. I have 2 beautiful granddaughters. My suggestion is to keep your relationship with your dil separate from your son. I love my dil and I love my son but I can truly understand that she cannot live with an active A. I have a relationship with my dil. I also see my granddaughters whenever I ask to. If my son wants to see his children then he can come to my house when I have them there. We try not to make any promises any more to the children about things that their daddy is going to do with or for them. An A cannot keep promises and we must try to protect them as much as possible.

Like I said above...I love my dil and I love my A son but the most important relationship for my husband and I is the children. I want nothing to interfere with that. My dil insures me it will not and I would do nothing to undermine her. I strive to stay out of whatever is going on with them. It all has made me very sad over the past year but with the help of Alanon and my HP I have really been able to detach.

I feel there is absolutely nothing we can do for the A or the A's relationship to his wife. Please try to do whatever you have to do to stay in that little child's life. Then when the child grows up you will be able to help her understand the disease of alcoholism.

My prayers are with you at this very moment.

YFIR...Gail

ollie · Veteran Member

I too have just joined this site,

I bought a book recomended Courage to Change ,this book has been a life saver for me,very easy reading with little quotes to help you each day.

I also would not have courage to go to face to face meetings,but take great comfort here,with people who know exactly how we feel.

my husband only drank beer too,but the outcome was still the same ,i do understand your problem as we have a new grandson,my daughter in law has given me a very hard time over his drinking,which has been for the last 3 yrs out of a 36 yr marriage,she blackmails me over him saying i will not see him ,through this site and its wonderful people i am learning to put myself first ,and take each day as it comes.

Hope this letter has helped,we can get strong together

take care ollie

frankie · Newbie

omajoy,

thank you for responding. If my mother-inlaw wasn't an alcoholic and was caring for our daughter I would want her to continue. But yes it is quite hard for me to imagine it as she is one.

I think your ex-daughter in law is very hurt and angry and would probably benifit from some help of her own in dealing with her situation. Maybe because she is a "profesional" she may feel that she's above that. I don't know. I just know there are many people who think they know everything or think they have a grip on everything. They think getting help is for weak people. This is not true as we are all human and all equal. We are all vulnerable and can all feel loneliness and defeat in our lives because of many things. It is the is the ones who seek help in life's moments of weaknesses who come out stronger in the long run.

I think the best thing for you to do is to respect her wishes and not get involved so you can continue to care for your grandchild. If she feels you are getting involved she may think it easier to seek child care else where. I can only imagine how difficult this must be. I also think you should try to get your son the help he needs, as his mother. Keep his issue seperate. It is unfortunate that she bases his visitation on how her day was. I agree with you, she must be trying to get back at him or hurt him. I also agree that your grandchild shouldn't be used as a pawn in this and it seems she may be doing that to hurt your son. I don't know.

I think your ex-daughter inlaw is lucky to have you. I have resentment inside as far as my mother-inlaw is concerned (her being an alcoholic) and will be seeking help to deal with it also. My husband thinks it's normal because he was raised in that environment. He doesn't see the pattern and doesn't understand my concerns for our daughter. When my inlaws come to visit (they live 5hrs away, so it's only a few times a year..........thank God) they bring the beer and it's a weekend for my husband to party with his parents. Very sad. I also dread going to visit because it is the same thing. We've only attended 2 family reunions with my daughter since she's been born. I dread the visits because so much alcohol is involved I now find intoxicated people very appauling.

I think it is very important for my daughter to have a relationship with her father's side of the family. I will never keep that from her. I know they all love our daughter very much and I would never "take her away" from them. I hope your ex-daughter inlaw feels the same way. She would only be hurting you, your husband and the baby in the long run of it. I heard something not to long ago about grandparents being granted visitation rights. I'm not sure if it was in Canada or the States. It might be something for you to look into incase things did turn ugly. This could be one gaurantee that she will never take the baby away from you and your husband. I don't know.

Thanks for your prayers.

I will pray for you too.

frankie

peewee · Senior Member

omajoy, I'm sorry for your pain and surely that of your son and dil. Keep coming back, you're in a good place.

Peewee

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.