Hello to all.  I am a new member; just signed up.  I've spent the last several hours reading everyone's posts and it has motivated me to reach out for the help I so desperately need.  My story is very similar to others I've read, so I will spare you the gorey details.  I am a mother of two, ages 13 and 11.  My husband and I have been married for 22 years and he's been an extremely heavy drinker/alcoholic for at least the last ten.  It is a nighty occurrence for him to start drinking the instant he arrives home from work, if he hasn't a one or two before leaving work.  He drinks a few beers, but as he's downing those, he has a large bottle of whiskey that he sips right from the bottle.  Inevitably, after about five beers, he starts heavily on the whiskey.  I must point out that he is not normally abusive in a physical way, but on a couple of rare occassions, I have been subjected to having objects thrown at me. (Luckily his aim was off.)  He frequently is verbally abusive.  Each night he passes out in the dining room chair well before 9:00 p.m.  He isn't abusive to the kids other than the fact that they are watching him slowly destroy himself.  They have to walk past him, passed out in the dining room chair, as they proceed to the bathroom or the kitchen.  They're both usually very good at ignoring it, but at the same time I realize they must be suffering the effects also. The entire story is a very sad,  very ugly one.  He is overbearing and controlling; I have to ask for money when I need it, he has control of the bank accounts and always has plenty of cash in his pocket while I have none to get a gallon of milk unless I ask for it.  He has a lot of 'friends' who just  happen to be 20-30 year old single females, all of them alcoholics also.  He owns his own business, so it's not uncommon to find these 'friends' hanging out under the pretense of answering his phones or sweeping the floors.  I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and watched my mother live in fear of his every move.  He controlled her, even up the the amount of medication she was taking for cancer pain.  Until the very moment she died three years ago, he had the reins.  She suffered terribly because he wouldn't let her have her medication.  It hasn't been until the last couple of years that I've realized that I have only taken over where my mother left off.  I never speak up for myself, never make waves, take all the abuse handed to me.  He's been arrested three times that I know of for sexual assaults, each time managing to get off with a slap on the wrist because the girls pressing charges either were too drunk to show up in court or decided not to persue it.  I could go on FOREVER listing the woes of my life.  Most of all, I really abhor the person I have become because of this.  I realized I never even use my own mind anymore; I let him make decisions for me, tell me what I can and cannot do.  He's a master manipulator, often making me doubt myself when I do find that rare spout of courage to stand up for myself.  I've been accused of infidelity, probably because of his own guilty conscience at being unfaithful.  I have lived in a veritable shell since my first child was born; they are my life and the only bright spots I have.  I attended AlaTeen meetings regularly while growing up and finally decided that I can't sit back and be miserable anymore.  I looked for an AlaNon group near me, and unfortunately, none were geographically possible.  I found this website this afternoon and have impatiently waited until I was able to post tonight.  I suppose what I'm asking for is help in realizing that I didn't create his alcoholism.  I'm sure there are underlying causes for why he is destroying himself, but to be frank--and I feel guilty for feeling this way--I am beyond the point of caring why he drinks.  He admits to being an alcoholic but steadfastedly refuses to seek help.  He has said several times that he knows I'll leave him because of his alcoholism, but he can be secure in saying that knowing that I don't have the means to take my kids and leave.  My family all live across the country and they are not in positions to help me financially.  I am embarrassed to have ended up in the situation I find myself in.  I wonder if I'm even making any sense at all??  I spend most of my time as confused and uncertain as one can be, not to mention desolate, as I can see no positive change in the near future. I know I have to focus on myself and my kids, but sometimes that becomes dauntingly hard to do.  How do I get started? 
Thank you all for letting me vent here.  I haven't told anybody the state of my life and holding it in for so long has certainly become burdensome.