The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess I just need some validation for my feelings! Things with my mom have been strained our whole lives. She left us when I was 14 years old, drank heavily then and pretty much never stayed in touch with us (my father raised us). Though she drinks rarely now, she is addicted to painkillers and is full of drama of thinking she needs surgeries, and I think she is pretty much a drug-seeker, going to all kinds of doctors and fighting with them because they tell her she shouldn't be taking all of these painkillers. She had back surgery and thought she would not need the pills anymore, well now claims that she has to take them for other "pains" all over her body.
TO make a long story short, our relationship is a bit strained. I never felt like she was emotionally supportive for me - and every time I went to her with a problem, she blew me off pretty much. But, you know... she's my mom and I am trying hard to get along. It is really sad that we never had that connection, that wonderful mom-daughter bond that a lot of people have.
Last night I went to her house for dinner. It was tense, and she told me she had just had an argument with her husband. He was nice, but tense also. It was uncomfortable, and I felt like they were pretty much not listening to anything I said when I tried to make conversation. After about 1 1/2 hours, I just had enough. I calmly said, I think I am going to go now... I need to go home and go to bed. She said, WHY? I said, well, Mom it just seems that you guys are not in the greatest of moods after your argument and I just think I best go. She said, of course, "I'm in a GREAT mood, I don't know what you are talking about!" It was weird, but I removed myself from the situation because I felt it best. I didn't act mad, or disturbed, but she always seems to turn things around on me. I feel so guilty today for leaving! Why does your mother make you feel so badly! I just feel like I should have had more patience, I should have just smiled and not said anything, sat there with them and then gone home a little later. I don't know, sometimes I have a good time with her, and most times it is difficult. God grant me the patience and tolerance to be kind and loving towards her. She is getting older and is looking unhealthy. I just wish we could have some kind of a relationship while she is still alive.
My mom was very abusive and my parents were both alcholics and I was taken away from them at the age of 12 and never returned.I went to find my parents at the age 18 not to much had changed I did keep contact with her but I had it limited and when she would say something negative or mean i say mom i gotta go.
I never let her around my children .Now that might seem mean but I had to protect them and me.You cant not chose your parents and you love them on some level cause they are your parents but some times loveing them is from a distance.
Keep in contact with her if you chose to but set your boundaries and if she goes over the boundarie say mom i am leaveing talk to you later or on the phone i gotta go .
we cant change our parents we cant make them be real parents .
I know growing up in that kinda of family we have the need to fix to make right and be the glue.I learned after many years and being in this program I cant fix any one I cant change any thing and our Hp which I called God can only make things right .
Be kind to your self and let your self off the hook you are not responsible to make her ok.You are not a mean or wicked person cause you want to set boundaries for your parents you are being smart.
Let me know how things are going I did say prayer for you this morning..
What is it about our Mom's? - I can usually work my program great with my AH, my adult daughters, my friends, but my MOM - no way!!!
My Mom is the ultimate untreated Al-Anon. I can go right back to that 8 year old kid filled with guilt, shame, despair and all those other emotions with one 5 minute conversation with her. I haven't reached the point yet where I can distance myself from her. And just like those A's in our lives, I love her so much, don't know that I ever will . . .
Don't know that I have any words of hope for you, except that you are not alone and there are others out here dealing with some of the same issues - I guess we'll keep coming back to try to help each other.
Wishing you peace and serenity One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Seems to me you did exactly what you needed to do. You made the effort to go there, it was uncomfortable, so you left without making a scene yourself. Congratulations. You may gain more respect that way, so wouldn't that be nice.
