The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am looking for work again. My temporary assignment ended. I feel like I am going to have to be far more vague with the A around my money. If he thinks I have some he finds a way for me to have to pay some of the bills. I think I need to be vague in order to protect myself.
I know that is not the way of good partnership but neither is him spending considerable amounts of money on drugs. He once asked me to contribute to the rent money and promptly took it and bought dope with it. Somehow I am supposed to contribute to his drug habit he thinks and I am not prepared to do it. I am also not prepared to have the knock down drag out fights about money. He can't be honest about one thing ever. I need to accept that.
So I am going to hold back with him on how much money I make, when I make it and how. I am tired of his making drugs the priority for him in money and me being abandoned.
I am looking for work at the moment and I don't even expect him to ask me how it is going. Needless to say he doesn't. He never did ask much about me he is so totally taken up in his life.
What I wanted was a partnership, what I got was taken hostage to his drug habit and what I also got was a bunch of lies every day. He never can tell the truth about anything. That is hardly a partnership being lied to day in day out.
I fully expect him to go get loaded on July 4th, every holiday is a reward for him. This time I will not be bailing him out. I will also not be sitting stewing in resentment I have done enough of that. He does not want to give up the drugs, it works for him. But his habit is not going to work me into a corner of resentment and self pity, not anymore.
Way to work it! I hope you find something for yourself to do on the 4th since you know what is coming.
I have a friend that is in somwhat the same money situation. Whenever her A asks for money for something that she feels she should contribute to, she either personally delivers the money for the bill or tells her A to give her his money and she will take care of it. She also has a seperate (secret) account.. The monthly statement is sent to a friends house. When her A asks how much money is the (joint) account, she can give an honest answer.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I guess being "vague with him" is one option, but I think the downside is it kind of gets you caught in (something close to) lying, which doesn't honor you, or your needs.... Can you consider another approach, where you simply separate your funds from him, have "yours be yours", and he just does NOT have access to your money?
Just nice to be able to find a solution that keeps YOU and your recovery in the forefront....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I can totally relate to your post. I was actually too niave to know what my ex-AH was doing to me but every week I was left with a few bucks in my pocket, shopping at the thrift stores for clothes, picking up food for the week at cheap grocery stores while he was spending money on new clothes at Neimans and going out almost everynight. I look back at it now at this moment as I'm typing this out how sick I was letting him get away with that because I wanted to feel sorry for myself and I wanted him to look at me and feel sorry for me! It makes me feel good that I don't have to act out like that anymore. My HP and this board and program has helped me see what was really important.
In your case I totally agree that you should pay what is rightfully yours to pay and then keep the rest for yourself. He is a big boy and he should be able to pay his half right? If I could only see that when I was going through that myself but I guess I had to go through all that to gain wisdom...just like you too.
I will pray you get a job soon and take care of yourself...I don't have to tell ya that...you are!
I totally understand the money thing, drug habbits are very expensive....I use to stash money everywhere...sometimes would even forget I had it...lol...then suprise look what I found...lol
Maresie, I went to a different bank and had my own accounts that he knew nothing about...and thank god I did...because when he was not living here man it came in handy....that is my words of wisdom for the day maresie......open an account somewhere he has no idea about.....and just start yourself a little savings...even 20 bucks a week add up after awhile....
Maresie, I am sorry for your pain, living in addiction....I use to hate for any holiday to come around....because, they have to celebrate......
I appreciate the esh. I do have a separate bank account, always have. I am grateful these days we are not married. But on some levels we are "married" as we have a lot of stuff in common. I do not want to be his nursemaid. housekeeper, banker anymore. He has no clue at all how very very unhappy I am these days as I do not wear it on my sleeve as I once did.
I think my A also thinks as long as I am poor he does not need to make an effort. In some ways that is true because I am not about to make myself homeless to leave him. But one thing that gets me through is breaking down the stuff I need to do to leave and doing some of them every day. However long it takes I will do it.
