The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the last couple of days I learned that its real easy to get sucked into the A's drama and forget for a while about using the Alanon tools. I feel that I'm learning to apply the slogans and steps to my life and relationships, but some days it all feels like it went out the window.
My A created a huge dramatic play starting Sunday night and moving into last night. He got my brother and his friends involved as well. The big dilhemma... he wants a 500 dollar guitar. He put it on lay-a-way from a music store ( didn't bother asking if we had extra money to spare). He comes home and tells me that he is going to buy this guitar. Meanwhile, I'm not seeing the kind of money come in that he's predicted. So I get nervous and say can we have a family meeting to go over the budget? He begins losing it... projecting that this meeting will be a harp session on his faults and what he's not doing. He rages and says I'm doing everything I can to prove to you that I love you!! Some how I don't really see that he's doing everything he can but o.k. if that's what he believes can't change that. The big deal is that he believed that I wanted him to give up the guitar and music all together, but says I would never indirectly say this. Of course I'm not going to ask him to give up something that he gets enjoyment from. Lately the guitar has been a way for him to destress and not take things out on us. He's impressed with his playing and believes he can take his talent and create yet another band and play out for money.
Its a big deal for person staying at home watching the kids, cleaning, cooking, running errands, and trying to have her own life. The end result in our budget is not very good right now... certainly not enough to buy a guitar. He tried to schmooze me into putting it on my credit card I was truthful and said no because I didn't want the interest tacked on and I don't trust that he'd keep the guitar or make the payments. Never has before anyway. He would not compromise or receive what I was saying. I got caught up in trying to defend myself and help him understand that I was not asking him to give up music just pay for his own equipment, continue working his program, school, work, and make time for us. (Cause he's superman and can do all that)
The next day he says he's giving away all his guitars and music equipment because he's done playing music forever. His reason... so the arguments with me will stop. I pleaded and begged him not to give the equipment away, but after that did not register I just let him do what he wanted. He brought my brother his guitar back and gave him the amp that he just bought. My brother was shocked too. Told him he was being unreasonable and said I think you are doing this to rub her face in it... like an I'll show her kinda thing. He wouldn't listen to their logic either. Just had it in his head that this is what I wanted and he was going to choose his family over music. I let his drama get to me... I began feeling quite guilty unable to talk reason to him, I felt chastize for saying anything. He didn't care how I felt he was anger and bitter and was probably glad I was hurting over this. Finally after some more immature remarks yesterday, I got on the MIP group and just started reading and someone reply to a post hit me. I knew I had not been decietful or manipulative. My actions and words were truthful. Can't change his reaction, its not really about me. Its about him feeling like he was losing power and freedom. All this was a game to get me to give up and say you can do whatever you want honey.
I said "I'm sorry you feel the need to give all your equipment away, that is your choice I won't feel guilty anymore over it". I said I'm sure we could have worked out a compromise but if your unwilling to hear it I can't do anything about that". Finally he softened and began listening to reason. I simply told him that when he's home he needs to be physically and emotionally present. I let him know that trust has not been built yet and that I want to be included in practices occassionally and go and watch him play out. He agreed. I felt better because I used the tools and got a better outcome, I would have liked to have used the tools immediately and walked away from it and gone one with my life. Progress not perfection.
Have a great day
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am glad that you have a brother who can back you up. Generally I have no one. My a is forever creating drama. I have got to the point when he does that I say and do nothing. It is such an art to do that. I used to beg and plead before. That gave him the upper hand. The other day he stormed off and left me somewhere. I did nothing and said nothing. He came back within 2 minutes. That really helps me not to react, of course it is tremendous work not to. I also have a lot of help in not screaming, not remonstrating and not arguing. There are day sof course when I express anger but it one expression rather than an explosion.
I have to say I really bought into the A's sweet, calm, laid back attitude when I met him. That was all an act, behind it is a desperate manipulate, immature, addict who do and say anything to make sure he can continue using at all costs. He has already had all the bottoms one can think of health loss (he has hepatitis C), money loss (he is practically bankrupt, jail (not for a long time but he has had it), home loss (I feel his move to the place we now live at was fueled by his drug stuff) and relationship loss (he is going to lose me sooner or later) and he still keep s using. There is absolutely no question in my mind that drug and alcohol use is the most important thing to him in his life beyond his pets, his health everything.
That childlike behavior rears it's ugly head way too often with A's. "If I can't have what I want I'm going to be a martyr and have nothing" You're right, it's very manipulative.
It reminds me of a time when my now now adult daughter was in high school and we went school clothes shopping. She swore she would only wear Guess brand jeans. At the time our family was struggling financially and one pair of Guess jeans was $60. She said, If I wouldn't buy them, she wouldn't school shop. period. She wanted nothing then!! I said "let's leave then, we're done shopping".
It's hard to think of your spouse like a child but I found in those types of situations if I asked myself "If this was my child doing this to me, what would I do?" I usually got an answer right away and my attitude was quickly adjusted from guilt to I DON'T THINK SO..Your mouth, your choice, your actions, your consequences.
It worked for me :) Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Practice makes perfect. We are here to progress not perfect. It's ok to get sucked in because the only thing that matters is that you actually see a difference now in recovery. Congrats! The more we use these tools the more it becomes stuck in our heads...we learn a new way of life and eventually we can't be sucked anymore by anybody. Maybe on occassion let me say because we can never be perfect..lol! Your life seems like it's on track with a few bumps in the road and I am glad to hear you were able to have a decent conversation to comprimise after all that turmoil...it takes a strong person to bounce back after taking a few steps back.
We learn the word humility...We learn the word humble to the fullest extent in this program
Recognizing that his issues are really not about you!! Good job. Like our program says Don't pick up the rope, but if you did you can drop it at any time.
Great job twinmom!
See ya,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
