The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted here many months ago about the destruction of my marriage due to this disease. My ex husband and I were using addicts / alcoholics for years together. The birth of our daughter (born addicted) finally brought me to sobriety. I stopped seeing him when she was a baby because I needed to, and I thought she needed to be free from growing up with a practicing A. When she was almost 4, he came back to us and got sober. Some time later, he started to slip - I won't ever know the whole truth about that. Things got very bad and I asked him to leave last August; we've been divorced since February. Not only our marriage, but our business, our home, and everything was lost.
This month is the month of our wedding anniversary. It is the 2 year anniversary of my father's death, which has been very hard for me. Because of my situation, I am living with my mother (I am 50 years old) who has Alzheimer's. I am taking care of her. Throughout a day with her, I go through many changes ranging from a true appreciation of "one day at a time" to profound sorrow to unbearable anxiety.
My now 19 year old angry, resentful, disrespectful, entitled-feeling daughter (who I love to death, with all my heart) lives here too. She and I are having a difficult time of it. Her father is using her to manipulate me, and I don't know how to handle it. He will call her and tell her he is about to committ suicide. My guilt about not protecting her well enough from him (he was very verbally /emotionally abusive, sometimes physically, and had bad anger management issues) is clouding my ability to be a proper mom to her. It has her whole childhood.
My ex has women in his life (including his mother) who continue to email me about what a bad person I have been to abandon the poor guy. You should hear their point of view about what happened to our marriage.
On top of all this, a very dear friend of mine (another former using / drinking companion who happened to get clean and sober 4 months after I did) was found dead in her bedroom. She had moved back to her parents' to help them out in their old age. She died of an overdose. I had really depended on the thought of her, helping her parents, maintaining a positive outlook and her sobriety. Even though she lived in another state and we didn't talk very often, she was such a pillar of strength for me. And she lost her sobriety and is dead.
I'm sitting here reading this forum because I thought of it while in the midst of typing a response to one of my ex's "dear friends" emails to me about how she attributes my hideous treatment of him to my "psychological decline." She shares her revelation that the primary reason for my divorce is my feeling threatened about her friendship with my ex. I had a lot, a lot, a WHOLE LOT to say to this woman - and I stopped typing it and came here.
I'm feeling so beaten and I do feel so responsible for my ex. I feel that I've been carrying him for years and that I've just dropped him. At times I think I would feel better than I do now if I just submitted to sacrificing my life to him. That's what it would be.
I think I am in dire need of some real meetings, or to go back to AA or NA for myself. I have over 18 years clean and sober myself. I don't want to end up like my friend.
Anyway, thank you for being here. I hope that someday I will be in a position to offer any support - so far I've just come here seeking it for myself.
Welcome , first I am going to ask you to delete the email , why do u want to listen to that crap you do not have to defend your decission to anyone about why u left . Besides they have already made up thier minds that your the problem so don't bother trying to explain yourself.
I am sorry your daughter is having a rough time at the moment but gotta let her go thru whatever she needs to and just be there for her. Please go back to meetings for yorself you need support from people who love and accept u just the way u are . 18 yrs sober is a big accomplishment don't threaten your own sobriety for something u cannot change anyway.
I do not have any advice for you... but I send you my support and positive vibes in dealing with your situation.
I am sure your HP will show you the best way...
One observation: You did not respond immediately to the email.. instead came to this board for support before sending out anything...that is a good sign
Wow, I am so so glad you came here. I agree with Abbyal. My first thought was "block" those people from sending you email.
Start protecting YOU. I hope you can get to face to face read lit. and be good to you.
As far as your daughter, I bet you feel guilt about her being born drug affected. My wish for you is, start today, be the best mom you can be and let go of the past. If she says something about the past, be strong and say, "I am here now, and will cont. to be" and be strong for her.
You have grown a lot I can tell. Believe me she will listen to you and respect you. It may take some time, but heck start now!
It is no wonder you did not protect your daughter, you have not been able to protect you. YOU are worth it.
I am so sad about your friend you lost. I have seen that a few times now. So the thing is, focus on YOU. Be proud of you for how far you have come.
Please don't listen to those other negative people. please. I know the feeling. My A's whole dysfunctional family is horrid to me and they have never even me tme. I feel sorry for them as I am a nice person and had a lot of love to give.
They do not deserve the loving heart the creator gave me.
So keep coming back. Sending you lots of love,debilyn
Who could dislike someone with a name like phoebemoonpie? :)
One of my favorite sayings is "What others think of me is none of my business". It's another one of things you didn't Cause, you can't Control and you can't Cure. People will think what they think.
The suggestion to block the offenders is an excellent idea, they will just get the mail back stating that it is unread, undeliverable.
Just for today.... Don't let their hateful words affect who you are.
We hold the power to create whatever we desire. Our ability to manifest the changes we desire depends on the depth and passion of our beliefs and on the focus of our attention. With this understanding, we, as individuals and as society, can design a whole new future for ourselves. Our challenge is to break free of society's world view, to truly empower our imaginations to create brand new realities. It brings a whole new meaning to 'vision.' "By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."
-- Nikos Kazantzakis
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Just because someone says it doesn't make it true!!!
Sometimes I have to stop contact with unheathy people if they are affecting my serenity. If you need to do that, don't feel guilty about taking care of you. With the load you are carrying sounds like you might need a little "me" time.
Hoping you will keep coming back,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Sweetie, I am concerned for you just because it seems like their is a revolving door of sick people that can come in and out of your life anytime they want to sabotage any energy you have...all of these e-mails you are getting from people who seem to think your A...or let me say..ex-A is ppppeeerrrrrfect are HIGHLY mistaken and please believe that. I would throw whatever emails from these people far from your body that you don't get contaminated..lol! I would change that e-mail address. They want to suck your life out. Take care of you girl. It seems like you have alot of sobriety under your belt. Detach from these people that are living in Chaos because you don't want this...you gave that up once your daughter came into your life and gave you a new start. The father needs to stop calling and putting her in the middle...I would change my number all together and explain to your pumpkin that dad has some things to deal with before he can talk to her.
I don't know how hard it would be caring for mom....my husband went through a similiar situation and he said it was extremely hard. I don't think that task is ment to be easy. Pray to HP everyday to help. As for your friend who just recently past away....I heard in an AA meeting one time(and I am sure you have heard this too) some have to die to save others.....you are still here for a reason and I will pray that HP gives you what you need to grow more..I will also pray for your little girl too..well 19 now. How fast they grow huh!
I also want you to know that it takes a strong person like you to come on this board and share your heart....
I am praying for you today and sending you thoughts of love and support.
I, too am recovering and dealing with an alcoholic husband (who I still live with). It is such a sad disease, and you wish you could just give someone the program, but you cannot, they have to find it on their own.
I'm sorry about your daughter and your relationship with her. All I can say about that is it is probably the age (hers, of course!) My daughter is 19 and she goes from being a wonderful loving person to a you know what in about five minutes! Of course, I don't remember being that way...hahah! Anyway, love her the best way that you can, and forgive yourself for your guilt, with your ex and with her. Detach from chaotic situations, and treat yourself nicely. You WILL feel better, believe me. This year has been horrible for me and I thank God I found Alanon, I felt like I was suffocating! This board is wonderful...and try to go to some face to face meetings too.
I'm so so sorry about your friend's passing also. How sad... My prayers are with you....
Thank you so much for being here. You said that you hoped that one day you would be able to offer support to those of us already here. Well, you have already. 18 years wooohoooo!!!! That is callled hope from where I am sitting. Something that is so far out of the realm of possiblilty for many of us here to even imagine possible.
The best ESH I can offer you is to keep the focus on you, on your recovery. It is a gift that should be cherished above all else. Keep coming, keep reaching out and let your HP lead you.
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today’s reminder: I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.
Great Step 1, keep coming back yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Phoebe, just look at the conversation you started here. It's awesome. So thanks for "venting" because the results are not just for you, but helpful to me too.
Thanks all, and Maria, the bridge story is exactly what I need.
Thank you all, and especially thank you Maria123 for posting from "Codependant No More." It has been many years since I read that. Reading it now brought tears to my eyes. I DO feel guilty for having my own sobriety and leaving my husband alone in the horrible world where he is now. I DO feel many times that the "good" thing to do would be to "sacrifice" myself. Also, sometimes it seems like it would be a lot easier, because even though I am "clean and sober," I am not in a good place Alanon-wise. I'm not sure how much better it could be at this stage, but I do have faith that it can get a lot better and I do know that there are tools that I can use to help that happen.
I did NOT send that horrible ex friend and email and I will not.
