Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Frightened new comer
Post Info TOPIC: Frightened new comer
tls515


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
Frightened new comer
Permalink  

I'm really new to this.  I don't know if I am doing the right thing.  I do know that my partner of 8 years drinks alot lately and has been terribly hurtful when in that sloppy drunken state.  He becomes belittling, condescending, and argumentative when he's drunk.  I feel so hurt and angry and alone.  I've tried to talk to him about it but it does no good.  He says he feels bad and doesn't want to behave this way or cause the pain he has caused, and that he will right things, yet he does nothing.  He then just goes on as if everything is fine.  I don't think he takes seriously the kind of emotional pain and damage he causes when he is that way.  I am sad alot of the time, and frustrated at his blindness to the situation.  Everything has become about him;  I'm forced to take care of him when he drinks to the point he can no longer care for himself, then when reality comes back, he just goes on as if nothing happened.  I have run out of ways to deal with him when he is drunk, and have found myself recently losing my patience and I start yelling and crying then he blames me for everything (arguing) because he doesn't want to be yelled at.  I'm at my wits end and am very edgy and anxious.

__________________
TLS
Rita G


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1491
Date:
Permalink  

((((TLS))))


Welcome to Miracles in Progress - Glad you have found this site - you posted a lot about your A, but not much about you - Have you been to an Al-Anon meeting?  For me, a face to face Al-Anon meeting was great to help me learn about the disease of alcohlism, plus learning to take care of myself, setting boundaries, and not accepting unacceptable behavior.  


Hope that you will continue your posting, seek those meetings and keep coming back -


Rita



__________________

No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK - teamwork.gif
Christy


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3223
Date:
Permalink  

tls,
Welcome :)

Have you found Al-Anon meetings in your area? If not please call 1-888-425-2666. They will give you meeting addresses and times.
You said you are forced to take care of him when he's too drunk. Reality is, that is a choice you have made. When he's that drunk do what it takes to take care of you. That's the best time to find a meeting to attend. He's made his choices and you can't save him. You can only save you.
Alanon's 3 C's- You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.

I hope you allow Alanon to help you find your way.

Christy

__________________

If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Dolphin123


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1328
Date:
Permalink  

((((((TLS)))))),


Welcome to the MIP board, so glad you found us. You are in the right place.


Loving an alcoholic is so very very difficult. Alanon has made it easier for me to live with the disease of alcoholism.


Something I heard at my first meeting really helped me. The 3 C's of alanon.


1) You didn't cause the drinking


2) You can't control the drinking


3) You can't cure the drinking


Hearing that it was not my responsibility helped me so very much. And then when I finally accepted this, I found my serenity.


My "A" lives in denial alot. It protects his addiction. Which he is very careful to protect. Living as if nothing has happned is easy for him, and helps him to not see the full effect of his addiction.


I have learned to not focus on him. When I take the focus off me, then I am wasting my energy. He is the only one who can help himself, and my helping him has hindered him from hitting his bottom at times. He knows he is hurting me, and yes that pain is hard to deal with, but I throw myself into my recovery and it truly helps me.


Someone once told me that Hurt people, hurt people. My "A" is going through so much pain and has so much anger that is why he acts the way he does. Does this make it right, no. But I have learned that I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. SO when he gets angry, I tell him that I don't deserve to be talked to like that and then I leave or he leaves.


Keep coming back. There is so much love here and you are welcome to your share of it! 



__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
canadianguy


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2962
Date:
Permalink  

Welcome TLS, and yes, you are doing the right thing by reaching out, and glad you found us!  In addition to the great folks and suggestions you have already received here, I would highly recommend you getting yourself a copy of the book entitled "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.  It was a lifesaver for me, and is often referred to as the BEST book on the market, for those living around active alcoholism.


Keep coming back!


Tom



__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
marchgrl


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 51
Date:
Permalink  

 


 


You are at the right place!  We are all very much here to help you.  We also know what you are going through...it is all so familiar!  Just keep coming back here to post and to vent ok?  We are glad your here.  Have you ever gone to a meeting..Al Anon meeting?  That is a good place to start too if you need face to face support but it's ok to not do that now if you don't feel so comfortable with that.  Like you said, you are at your end with trying to figure out how to handle him?  Well, give yourself a hug because it might be time to start working on you now so that you can maintane some sanity through this.  It's called detaching and the more you read post's here the more you will understand how you might go about doing it!  Smile...you have people who love you and care and you don't have to do this alone.....One person gives a spark, two people give a little more, but an army causes a fire!!!!!!!


 


hugs,


March



__________________
tina cobb
peewee


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 420
Date:
Permalink  

Tis, so glad you came here.    Keep reading posts, and take what you like.     Hope to see you in meetings too.


We're all in the same boat, more or less, and the paddling does get easier in the program.


Peewee



__________________
aunitedway


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 580
Date:
Permalink  

WELCOME to Alanon!   You are not alone. Alanon is wonderful program.  All here   have been affected by someone we love that has a problem with alcohol and/or drugs.   There are links from this website too to help you locate a  meeting.   OR  call for locations: 1-888-4AL-ANON  its toll free and you can get information about meeting schedules and locations nearest you.   The local meeting places near you are great places, You are safe there to talk. All *Wonderful places F2F  (face to face meetings) to feel comfort and support. You can sit and listen and / or share your self with others that understand what you are experiencing. That have been where you are now.  Members sharing their own es&h ~ this helps us help each other.  


___________________________________


***You can also talk with others *One on One--online    at the *Group Meeting/Chat Room ( see upper left corner of the message board pagefor link)     or use this link: http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html         Sign in with a nickname by using the little white box at bottom right of that screen.    OH~ haha  ..    If you need help signing in,. just say so and others will gladly help ya out. :)  


 


Al-Anon Meetings on Schedule


Current meeting times for Al-Anon Group. 
All Times Are Eastern. 
 *
Al-Anon
(Mornings)
Mon., Tues., Wed., Thur., Fri. 9:00AM
(Nitely Meetings)
Mon.-Sat. 9:00PM
Sun. 7:00PM


All times are Eastern Standard Time
-1 hour  for central time
-2 hours for mountian time
-3 hours for pacific time
+17 hours for Sidney Australia


Room is open for general chat at all other times! 


IN "open chat" ,   general chat,    others just talk with each other..,  if you need to talk with someone one on one  you can ask if someone will PM (private message )with you. 


ALL of us  give  * e s& h  (experience, strength and hope)  to  each other and or just talk . it helps to just talk sometimes about others things  to help you relax....  Its time to take care of You.  Thats what the Alanon 12 step proram is all about.   SO GLAD YOUR HERE!


You willl feel better.....take it one day at a time.... and  give the program a try--  I'm so glad I did.   ((BigHuG))


The 3 C's:    You can not control it, You  did not cause it,  You can not cure it .   


Take careYOU!    Keep Looking uP!   (((((((((BIGHUG))))))))))



__________________
Elizabeth M


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 68
Date:
Permalink  

Hurt and alone...we have all felt this...this is a great site ...if you read the posts  (you can read past post too by clicking on people's names) you will slowly learn how to change yourself...that's right I said you must change...we can not control the problem drinkers in our lives but we can change the way we react to them...we can change our way of thinking...we can learn to take better care of ourselves and rely on ourselves as a source of happiness and contentment......you are not alone...go to a alanon meeting read alanon literature and begin your own recovery..welcome

__________________
dori


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 252
Date:
Permalink  

Hi


We do understand and we been where you are at and we are so glad you are here.Keep posting and go to on line meetings and soon as you can go to face to face meetings.It might be scarey to go to one but after you see you will be so glad you will know that you are not alone.


 dori



__________________
dorene morrow
abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3854
Date:
Permalink  

Hello welcome to  our program and I hope u find some meetings soon for yourself, they will help u get back on track. obsessing about someone else is a waste of your life and there is nothing u can do about him .  No u are not forced to rescue him from himself , until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themslves nothing will change.


Nothing changes til someone changes and since your the only one that sees there is aproblem that leaves u to do the changing , A's need enablers to continue with the life style and that is us , we lie for them , cover up or excuse bad behavior to others and accept unexceptable behavior when we stop doing that things begin to change.


Here is the toll free number for meetings in your area  1-888-4alanon  good luck  



__________________

I came- I came to-I came to be
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Frightened new comer