The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First he goes on a 5 day bender...either passed out or working on getting there. Then when he "comes around," he is angry that I have made plans to spend the evening with a friend. I said, "do you expect me to sit around anxiously awaiting your return? How was I to know today would be the day you sober up? I am happy you have sobered up but my life goes on whether you are here or not."
Then, the next day I have to confront a complicated financial situation which I found upsetting. I went to him for support and reassurance, instead he acts like I am blaming him and gets upset as well. I said, "why do you think everything is about you? This has nothing to do with you! Why are you acting like I am blaming you when you have nothing to do with this? I need a hug, I need to be told I can handle it. I don't need you acting irritated with my being upset." I am always boosting him and supporting him and what do I get in return? nada.
I know this program works, because in general I feel so much better when I use my "toolbox." But sometimes I get tired of being the only one pursuing change.
One thing over the years that I have learned is that my "A" is jsut as codependent as I am. So when I am upset about something he usually gets mad and takes it out on me. He does this because the situation is beyond his control and he can't fix it, and that really bothers him.
We have talked about this when he is clean/sober. And I have told him that I really don't expect him to fix anything that I am looking for some reassurance from my husband, but since he isn't actively pursuing recovery, it doesn't make sense that I expect him to change. He can't because that isn't where he is right now.
It doesn't make it any easier to deal with that, but i have learned to focus on me and to talk with people who can handle me being upset. Healthy people who can give me what I need.
Keep working your program, it works!
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I tend to do that. I tend to put everyone on a pedastel and me in a one down position. It has taken me a long long time to get to understand and work through that I need to reflect on others' actions and not just assume someone is sane. My A is not sane, he has shown me that many many times, his life reflects that. I can join him there or I can find ways to make my life positive and loving. I was way way way over loving, over involved with the A. I chose to step back these days. Do I take care of stuff I should not, probably. The A is a total slob so I am left to take care of the house. Will I do that for ever, I don't think so. But I choose to do it for now because the alternatives are that the house is a mess. Making choices is different from assuming for me. I assumed the A had my best interests at heart for years. He did not. I had to put my best interests at heart rather than his. I had to swap the relationship being first for me first. The relationship I have with him is very very compromised, it took me a long time to work through the rage and grief over that. These days I accept what it is which is not much.
I guess we can't change the fact that our A's are selfish. I can be sure that my A thinks of him first, and me second. I'm leaving for a trip...I asked him how much cash he had, and told him I had $200 in my checking account and $3 cash. I will not have more money deposited til Sat. My trip is 12 hours, and my truck sucks the fuel, and of course, it's nice to eat, etc, as well as unexpected things. He said, "Well, what do you expect me to do for money"?, after telling me he has $300 cash.
So.... you are with others, here, who live with the selfishness of an A. Good for you that you are continuing to live your life, and look for happiness whether or not he is there for you.
Yes, the program works for me too, if I can just stick to it.
Sorry to hear that you didn't get the ((HUG)) you needed -
Someone in my home group gave this example:
"Would you go to your microwave for a cold glass of milk? I said no I would go to the refrigerator. So why do we continue to go to unhealthy people seeking healthy behavior? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
So, I still struggle with disappointments when the A's in my life don't meet those emotional needs, but I am getting better with voicing those needs before they get a chance to react, sometimes getting those needed hugs from a healthy al-anon member, my sponsor, or letting my HP send me comfort through other means - service work, a sunset, nature, or how ever necessary. The way I had pictured in my sick mind that those needs had to be met has so been expanded that my AH doesn't feel so pressured and I can feel content and loved no matter what.
Hoping your HP sends you a special gift of love to show you how special you are,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I know all of our situations are very serious, and very difficult to manage, but doesn't it kinda make you laugh sometimes, how messed up OUR thinking becomes?
Our A's are sick - typically physically, and almost always spiritually and emotionally....
And yet.... we 'expect' them to act healthy towards us, and have healthy perspectives towards us, their lives, etc... Hmmm.... lol
As for the 'emotionally selfish' part, there are lots of theories that A's stay at the emotional maturity level they were at when they started drinking.... for some of our A's, that is at the age of a 'young teenager' or even earlier, so I guess that can explain why their maturity levels can be so frustrating...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
