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hi everyone, I think I might be going crazy....certainly can't see the wood fro the trees...can anyone advise me please.
My Aboyfriend did a disappearing act for a few days......has been dry for a few months (was in rehab) but had a couple of relapses lately....started smoking dope again as well....doing nothing towards recovery although at the beginning of being sober he was going to meetings etc....I was supportive then but am losing it now!
Anyway, he went drinking...until the money ran out I guess. Now he's ringing me and I haven't answered any calls. He left messages saying he wants to talk...please ring him back etc. Obviously I was worried about all this and find it very upsetting and draining.
I just don't know what to do now......
If I talk to him, he will easily persuade me to "go back to normal", and really this is just not good enough for me. I've had a chance to see the situation objectively, and know that I don't need the heartache anymore. However, I know I'm not emotionally strong enough for him at the moment. He could persuade me.
Or can this be an opportunity for him to feel guilt and remorse, and maybe focus him on sobriety again?
I hate this not talking as well, and know I have myself to blame on this on. Communucation is important to me and I feel I am going against my beliefs by being so stubborn. (I'm sure he'll point this out to me)
I know this is all a bit mixed up....a bit like me at the moment.... If it makes any sense to you, could you please advise me.
PS I've been reading on these boards recently about people pleasing, and the need to be assertive in oneself. I guess I'm trying to learn this lesson too at the moment. AM
I think you are doing exactly what you need to do. If he has relapsed several times already since rehab and you have taken him back, he expects the same thing to happen. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Keep in mind you aren't doing him any favors by saving him, especially after a relapse. That's when he needs to feel the full consequences of his choice. He's out of money? So be it. This was his choice. You didn't cause it, it's not your responsibility. By detaching with love we allow them the dignity to hit bottom in their own way without padding the fall. Keep the focus on you and try not to let what he has done take you down with it. His relapse is simply not yours deal with, it is his. Eventually, what I came to learn in this program is that their actions don't warrant handing over my power to worry, to save them or anything else. It only prolongs the recovery process, theirs and mine. It is their path, I have my own to walk.
Stay strong Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Remember to take the focus off of him and put it back on you - You are special enough to deserve that focus of your attentions. Take care of you - If he truly wants recovery - he will get it no matter if you are there or not. That's his recovery not yours. Three c's - You didn't Cause, Can't Control it, or Cure it - Seek help for you - MIP, Al-Anon meetings, read literature, work with a sponsor - Not saying you and your boyfriend can't save your relationship - that may come later - but it might be better to take some time to take care of you first - like it's been said "Nothing changes, if nothing changes" - What you have been trying so far hasn't worked, maybe give something else a try -
Keep coming back - Don't stop before the miracle happens in you,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Codependence for me was manifold, people pleasing, boundarylessness (easily manipulated) losing myself in others, resentment (what resentment it was corosive). If he can take time out to go do his thing, I don't see why you can't take time out to do your thing (your thing being recovery).
I didn't find recovery easy. I came here 6 months ago in a real mess, depressed, isolated, hugely resentful. I spent a lot of days in the chat room (have you been there) started going to meeting 2 a day (that really helped). I also started reading lots of stuff on codependence and working on me. I stopped focusing on what the A did next. Did he still rope me in on stuff, yes. I have to say the roping in has gone from once a week, several times a day to once every few months. Do I still over react, yes. I also have to say that has gone down greatly. These days I look elsewhere for validaiton, the A gives none never did, never will.
I hope you will chose this path for you, whether your A stays sober or not is irrelevant, it helps certainly but that is not what this is all about. Now it is time for it to be all about you.
When I read your post the defenition for insanity popped into my head. Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
You need to focus on you. That's all the advice that I can give. I know for me that when I take the focus off of him I stop worrying about saying or doing soemthing that might make him seek recovery again. That is extremely important for me because of the 3 C's. I can't control his drinking, I can't cure his drinking, and I didn't cause his drinking. It isn't about me at all, his addiction is all about him. My recovery is all about me.
When I am seeking strength I read my literature, I call my sponsor or someone else in the program, go to meetings, and most importantly I talk to my HP. My HP is much stonger than I am. My HP loves me so very much, and will help guide me through any situation.
Keep coming back.
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I so relate to your post. i have been right where u are. When I was there, and i had my alanon hat on, I found that if I just did something for today. Maybe decide not to take the call, just for today. Then try to get on with me...Take a walk, do some yard work (i like that), read a book.....talk with my hp (pray) and listen to my hp (meditate), hit a meeting...Good luck!
Well I don't think you not talking to him goes against your beliefs...you are only protecting yourself because you said that you feel like you wouldn't be strong enough to say no to him so you are only buying yourself more time to understand what you need to do.....what is right for you ...you know? Be kind to yourself..you are doing the right thing not calling for now.
Detaching takes time...but you can begin now and learn what works and doesn't work for you. It's all trial and error!!!!
Hi everyone, just an update.... thanks so much for all your eyeopening words and advice...all very much appreciated. the calls from him are continuing...and getting more desperate (by now he won't even have any money left for cigarettes, let alone booze....so guess who he's falling back on!). If I'm honest I have had my heartstrings tugged a bit...I've felt a bit sorry for him...fleetingly....and did allow myself to remember the good times...until I realised it was not in my best interests to do that! It's very hard to do the right thing and give him a wide berth....but so far I've managed to do that. I haven't taken calls, nor have I replied to any. He hasn't called to my house thankfully...not yet anyway...he will though...and I'm praying that I will have the strength to handle it well when he does. I keep remembering the words "if nothing changes nothing changes"....so very true, and this has spurred me on in the right direction.
He will be expecting the same old thing...nothing changing...I have never gone a week without talking to him before...I bet he's verrrrrrrrry confused now!!!!!!!!!
I have been looking after myself these days, and am busy at work too, which helps.
I feel stronger now though, and maybe in control (of me!!) for once. I owe so much to you all for listening, and showing me the way.
